King of The Dragons (1991 Arcade/1994 Super Nintendo):

King of The Dragons (1991 Arcade/1994 Super Nintendo):

“Set out on a great adventure in a fantastical world to defeat Gildiss, the mighty Red Dragon, and save the kingdom from darkness!” – Steam

King of The Dragons is a fantasy beat-em-up that came to Super Nintendo in 1994 (As I remember it!), ported from the 1991 arcade game. It was just like playing a good hack-and-slash DnD game. I still remember a lot of the bosses, characters, the level design, and the great music that made it all unique and part of my formative DnD experience, even though it wasn't directly related to the DnD games. I just want to talk about it.

You start off by selecting your character who's on a quest to slay a dragon. There's a fighter, a cleric, a wizard, a dwarf, and an elf. The elf has the best range. The dwarf has the least range. The cleric is okay, and the wizard is a gamble, since with every level his attack spell, and thus range, also changes. Your weapons level up after every boss fight, but for some reason...I guess for the added challenge, you can also not pick up new weapons and let them disappear.

The first boss fight is the Orc Chieftain. He's got two chain whips and you have to stay in the middle of him while taking out baddies in the forest. Then, the Minotaur who charges every so often after swinging a giant axe. Then, the wyvern, who you attack in the sky, so if you don't have good range, you're just doomed unless you're really good at jumping attacks, or have a lot of magic. The hydra is pretty sneaky with it's multiple heads shooting different things out. I could go on, but really, all of the bosses are are so good, and tough. I usually die right before the giant spider on my own.

Later on, there's a cyclops, a giant spider, a dragon knight, a dark wizard, and of course, King of The Dragons, Glidiss. Each boss has its own trick to beat, but it can still be pretty tricky, if you waste a lot of health getting to them. Heck, I still can't beat the game on my own. But, a lot of the enemy designs, and level designs like spooky giant spiders in the forest, the cyclops who throws rocks, or the shifty mermen still influence many DnD campaigns today.

The settings and music are phenomenal for the 16-bit era. I feel like, in any beat-em-up, since you'll be attacking and doing the same things a lot, the sound can make or break the experience, and boy, does King of The Dragons go all out from the first level onward. Even the character select screen music feels like an epic quest, the level up sound “Wooo!” let's you know you just became more powerful, the magic screen-clearing lightning attacks or frog orbs that turn all your enemies into frogs (BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!) or (RIBBIT, RIBBIT!) feel satisfying and strong.

There are a few minor things I don't like about the game, but they're not deal-breakers. I still like it. I hate the slime enemies that capture you and drain your health. I hate the freeze spell that freezes you until you click really fast to get out of it. I hate the mimic treasure chests that bite you and you have to click really fast to get them off. Basically, I can never click fast enough to avoid them, and that always dooms me during a solo run. I do better as player two!

Despite all the annoying little enemies, it's still a great game, and its music, settings, and characters keep me coming back to it again and again to try to slay Glidiss. Taken together, all the good parts of the game make it an unforgettable experience of an epic DnD quest! Just make sure you pick the elf, in my opinion. Unless he's taken, then just pick the next best-ranged character. Check it out, if you can!

Breathing Fire (1991):

Breathing Fire (1991):

“A Vietnam veteran with two kids leads a bank heist that ends up killing one of his war comrades, leaving him to protect the murdered man’s daughter.”

Never did I think a family comedy/martial arts movie would revolve around plastic pizza. Like, toy pizza. Anyway, some bank robbers put some keys to a vault containing Vietnam War gold inside pieces of plastic pizza. Meanwhile, some kids, Tony and Charlie, are training for a state karate tournament.

Well, Charlie's dad gets murdered by the mob after being mailed toy pizza. So, the kids go to live with their Uncle David. He teaches them martial arts, and they try to impress his murdered brother's daughter. Except wait, weren't they already in a karate tournament? None of the karate should be unfamiliar.

Meanwhile, they get made fun of at a dance club, and some mafia guys attack them, where they learn that Tony's dad was part of that mob, and one of his goons was the bully. Also, the dwarf bartenders attack them. I'm not joking! So, then they go to the bully's house, where he's EATING WITH HIS MOM and beat the snot out of him.

Then, he agrees to call the police on the mob. They find the mob boss Angelo, and beat him up, but then decide it's just easier to give him the toy pizza. But, they beat him up, so...they win? You just made it easier for the bad guys to get the gold. Honestly, it all comes back to a kid calling the police. The karate and the crime drama feel really disconnected. None of the karate scenes actually do anything to advance the plot. Also, don't be fooled by the poster: Bolo Yeung is not the main character.

Look, I know someone wanted to follow that Karate Kid money. But, none of the karate here (While fun to watch.) matters. We know they've already trained, but then Uncle David trains them again anyway. It's like they forget that part, just so that we can have more training scenes! They already won a karate tournament! And the pizza plot is just...strange. Who puts keys in toy pizza? I guess it was supposed to be funny.

Overall, I don't think this movie has good enough action to be a good action movie, or good enough comedy to be a good comedy. The plot makes very little sense, and could've easily been a crime drama instead of forcing it into a Karate Kid-type family movie narrative. Definitely skip this one. You aren't missing much. Unless you like pizza jokes, I guess?

Dead Space (1991):

Dead Space (1991):

"A deadly virus attacks the crew of a Saturn space station."

Here's a weird film. When a flesh-eating virus nearly kills everyone in a space station, a scientist (Bryan Cranston/Dr. Frank Darden.) gets the idea to combat it with a metamorphic virus that can shapeshift and take on biological forms.

Meanwhile, a shipwrecked mercenary (Commander Krieger/Marc Singer.) and his robot companion help investigate the murders going on at the station, trying to restore power to his own ship. Great use of puppets, and music.

My only complaint is, they keep shooting at the creature, after saying several times that bullets can't hurt it. Other than that, a decent sci-fi horror/mystery. It keeps you guessing how they'll defeat the creature. Watch it if you have time.

Kafka (1991)

Kafka (1991):

"Kafka is a 1991 French-American mystery thriller film directed by Steven Soderbergh. Ostensibly a biopic, based on the life of Franz Kafka, the film blurs the lines between fact and Kafka's fiction (most notably The Castle and The Trial), creating a Kafkaesque atmosphere."

Here is a strange film. It's about Franz Kafka working as an insurance salesman and trying to write his uncanny stories. While it presents itself as a biography, he soon finds himself pursued by anarchists, a zombie, devious cops, and even a mad scientist.

Kafka finds that his regular office life is now subject to the uncanny horror he writes about, including being summoned to The Castle. While it does take some liberties with Kafka himself, what this film does is essentially put Kafka himself, in the role of his stories' main characters and mixes them with a monster movie. Jeremy Irons plays a good Franz Kafka. Definitely a weird film. Check it out.

Dollman (1991)

Dollman (1991):

"A hard-boiled, intergalactic policeman lands on Earth where he is only 12 inches tall."

Tim Thomerson plays a Clint Eastwood-esque cop with a tiny but powerful gun out to stop a criminal who's just a head who has an interdimensional bomb. Also, he has to stop a Bronx gang. And he's helped by a kid and his mom, who think he's a toy. It's great schlocky fun! This and it's sequel, Dollman vs. The Demonic Toys (1993) you can watch on Tubi for free! Check it out.