Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (1987):

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (1987):

“The Man of Steel crusades for nuclear disarmament and meets Lex Luthor's latest creation, Nuclear Man.”

Look, you don't need me to tell you it's bad. There's giant plot holes, cheap sets, reused shots, and cartoony action scenes. And yet, in light of current tensions, I thought I'd still enjoy Superman throwing nukes into the sun. I was wrong. Very wrong. It's like they had one good idea...Superman throws nukes into the sun to try to achieve world peace. But, didn't think through the rest of it at all.

Lex Luthor busts out of prison and creates Nuclear Man from Superman's hair and the energy from the nukes thrown into space. Superman meanwhile, is trying to go on a double date as both Clark Kent and Superman. Nuclear Man crashes through buildings and says he'll “hurt people!” and “Destroy Superman!” He also talks like a caveman.

So, Superman does the logical thing, and fights Nuclear Man around the globe. In Italy, and China. He rebuilds the Great Wall with his eyes somehow, and stops a volcano by throwing a mountain into it (Why?), and freezing it with ice breath. Finally, he fights Nuclear Man on the moon, where Nuclear Man is shown to have less power, and still Superman gets pounded into the moon like a Looney Tunes character.

When the sun rises, Superman flies back and drops Nuclear Man into a nuclear containment facility after a short battle. He reasons that the sun must be the source of enemy's power. (Did he forget it's his too? Did he forget he has ice breath?) Meanwhile, in a goofy subplot, the Daily Planet almost turns into a tabloid that says Superman is dead. But, then is just bought by Perry White again, without Superman at all.

None of this makes sense. There are too many inconsistencies and plot holes. Superman is shown at one point to have radiation poisoning from Nuclear Man. That was kind of interesting. But, then how was he cured? I thought at least the fights might be cool, but instead it's Looney Tunes style bonks, and slap fights in space. I think the most Nuclear Man does is bonk Superman.

I like Christopher Reeve as Superman. He's a hopeful incarnation of the character I think we need back, in terms of style and body language. But, not like this. Not as a big goof flying around back and forth in re-used footage. I think they had one good idea. Superman trying to help the world. The rest is just idiotic. Do I need to say it? Skip this one.

Doctor Who: Cold War

Doctor Who: Cold War 

“Hair, shoulder pads, nukes. It's the 80s. Everything's bigger.”

-The Doctor 

How do you make Clara relevant? Add David Warner! David Warner in this episode plays a Soviet crewmember/mechanic on a nuclear sub where a frozen Ice Warrior has been discovered. Clara is amazed that she can speak Russian, so the Doctor has to explain that the TARDIS translates, again. Anyway, the Doctor had planned for a Las Vegas trip but mistakenly arrives on this Russian nuclear sub in the 80s, and the Ice Warrior perceives it is captured, and discovers the missile abroad which could start WW3.

   David Warner’s mechanic is obsessed with Western culture and rock music. He serves as an intermediary to the Russians and the Doc’s Crew and convinces the captain they aren’t British spies (as originally thought.) For once, the Doctor tells the truth that he’s an alien. David Warner inspects the screwdriver and says maybe they’re telling the truth. Clara acts like a dope and confronts the alien but not before the Doctor explains that maybe now’s not the best time for questions. (Again, she doesn’t understand that theoretically the world could end in the 80s.) But, The Doctor is discovered while Clara again asks The Doctor what to say to the giant alien warrior.

    Well, this makes the creature angry and it busts free to find the missile. Since the TARDIS vanished away in defense mode when the Russians shot at it upon arrival, they can’t just zoom away from the nuclear crisis. David Warner makes funny remarks and asks what happens to Ultravox in the future. He has a stylish walkman. The Doctor finally confronts the alien and tells it that it has no honor, which is an affront to his warrior code. Meanwhile, with the creature’s cooperation, The Doctor shuts down the missile, but not before the mad Russian captain attacks it with a machine gun; The Doctor tells him to stop though, and eventually the Ice Warrior mothership arrives, the problem is resolved. The TARDIS materializes (Wa, wa, waa…) in the South Pole and The Doctor asks for a lift as Clara and the Russians laugh off this near-Armageddon episode in Classic Doctor Who manner.

  A nice funny episode which reintroduces newbies to the Ice Warriors and concepts like the TARDIS translation matrix. Unfortunately, it still makes Clara look like a newbie, but David Warner’s giddy Russian portrayal at least excuses and expertly equals her naïve behavior. The dénouement  with the ice warrior’s code of honor being invoked felt particularly classic, as did the laugh-it-off ending. So 80s. Although the 7th Doctor hated the Ice Warriors, here we see a Doctor with the knowledge that the Cold War can end peacefully, and so he negotiates with them, instead of vowing their destruction. A nice mix of old and new that’s been a theme this season; no doubt for the 50th anniversary!

T2: Judgment Day Review

T2: Judgment Day Review:

When I first saw T2 I must’ve been 7. It opens with a futuristic war between Terminators and mankind. However, even as a kid, I think I knew it was trying to say something about the future. Or at least one possible future 1997. I remember being relieved when August 1997 came and went, because that was the date the war started in the movie: “Judgment Day”.

After the war scene of course, I probably remember the T-101 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) appearing in the time vortex, getting the biker’s clothes, etc. And the role reversal between the terminators was great. The T-101 is the rebel biker and the cop is the hunter/killer of John Connor, who will one day lead the human resistance against the machines.

Now, in the first movie, the T-101 hunted John’s mom, and the role reversal means that Sarah Connor, John’s mother, needs to overcome her trauma. Which she does when the T-101 says “Come with me if you want to live.” John is a bad kid even, hacking into ATMs and using early 90s slang. Truly the mark of a rebel. So, it makes sense that the cop would be after him. But, it turns out that the cop is the T-1000, a liquid metal robot from the future sent to kill him.

I know a lot of people know this plot because it’s classic, but those are the basic details: one is the killer, and one is the protector, and mother and son need to prevent Judgment Day. Let’s get to my interpretation. For some reason, as a kid, I felt like I was a good terminator. I felt like the relationship about good vs. evil robot was somehow tied to me and my wheelchair. For me, it was the realization that technology can be good (like my wheelchair.) or evil (T-1000, who chases John and Sarah.) Now that I’m older though, I know it’s about the future in the abstract.

Specifically, it to me is about the future of technology. Will mankind use advanced technology for good or evil? Will we be bound by old prejudices? Will technology destroy us, or can humans and machines “learn” to live in peace? Initially, the “good terminator” is just a killing robot that’s been reprogrammed. But, he learns early 90s slang ( “Hasta la vista, baby!” was made famous.) with John and swears not to kill people. Not even when battling a whole police squadron does he kill people. The last life he takes is his own to prevent the future war.

The special effects and battle scenes remain legendary. The T-1000 is like a slasher-movie villain, and is almost unstoppable. He stabs whoever gets in his way. But, he is also very smart and tries to outwit the humans before stabbing them and taking their forms. He knows that humans usually obey police authority for example. And he even imitates John’s foster family. The T-101 however, knows that the T-1000 can do that, and so prevents John from going into the trap.

My favorite scene is when the T-1000 reforms his head with his liquid metal ability. His head comes apart in two; but then it reforms and you think, “Uh oh.” Heck, I like just about all of the morphing scenes. I'm even sad that the liquid metal concept was abandoned in later Terminator movies. The female Terminator in T3 just wasn’t as threatening, in my opinion. She is obviously less advanced than the T-1000.

To me, The later movies seem to undo all the events of T2, which is a great tragedy, and just means they’ll keep re-booting it. T2 had an actual message: There’s no fate but the one we make. The later films undo the message of hope, and all those great battle scenes! But, the time travel aspect of the film ensures that there’s always hope. Perhaps the T-1000 will re-appear, and will do the franchise good. Until then! Hasta la vista, baby!

Review of my book Treole Horka!:

“My name is Bruce. I was born in the 80s after a nuclear war. A time they call 20year. But, I call it butt-kickin’ time…or Justice Time.”

- Treole Horka!, book jacket

Armageddon week, Day 1: As stated before, Treole Horka! is my comedy about nuclear war and spoof on big 80s action stars, or the post-apocalyptic genre in general. I recommend you buy it if I publish it. It’s protagonist Bruce, has a monkey fused in his right shoulder (“The shoulder of justice!”) He’s a big beefy mutated rebel biker pitted against the evil Dr. Kirp who is served by an army, the B.A.D. I wanted to have Bruce use as many smooth one-liners as possible, invoking stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Campbell, so that it really drives home how cool he is. Along the way, he meets the forces of G.O.O.D.

A major theme is the epic battle between G.O.O.D. and B.A.D. Whereas Bruce is the go-to mutant biker who wanders the nuclear wasteland beating up “dweebs” Communists, and oppressive biker overlords, all while wearing his best punk outfit; G.O.O.D. is a cyborg army led by Commander T that stops threats to the nuclear wasteland, which are caused by B.A.D. and the evil genius Dr. Kirp. Commander T is always pumped, and calls himself “The Master of Pumptitude”. Thinking that’s
cool, Bruce follows them in their hunt for Dr. Kirp.

So, they hunt B.A.D. together. Bruce fights ninjas, bikers, cultists, mutants, the undead and giant mosquitoes among other things. And yes, he has a big gun. It’s just what you would want in a good action story! As Bruce bashes through 7-11 overlords, board game obsessed tough guys, and a trailer park with a Communist Cola vending machine, he pieces together where Kirp’s base is. I won’t give away the jokes, but if you read the sentence before, it’s some pretty absurd stuff, and still cracks me up. Bruce’s insults don’t even need to make sense to sound cool.

A major source of comedy is Bruce’s image. And the monkey. The whole monkey-in-the-shoulder thing kind of offsets Bruce’s tough guy image. “No one gets out that lucky after a nuclear war.” Also, Bruce’s “girlfriend” is the mutant Laboratory Octopus. She’s sexy, but has tentacles growing out of her head. They ooze slime and stuff. So, they are too mutant lovers with opposite sort of juxtaposed images. I really wish I could talk about the jokes, but you’ll have to read them!

As I’m good at doing, the whole story is written in a sort of faux-epic style. Contrary to what this blog conveys, I don’t always write like I’m writing a Communication thesis! Ha! Here’s a little taste from Bruce’s encounter with the dastardly Slasher Gang:

 “The Slasher Gang…” Bruce's voice roughened in deadly preparation for a snappy insult. “Not the sharpest knives in the box…”The Slasher Gang-- that bunch of rude-looking knife-nuts-- was perhaps best known for their love of sharp objects and bubble gum comic strips. Together, they formed a fearsome band of dagger-wielding degenerates under the iron rule of the infamous teen idol and criminal mastermind known only as “Razor.”

And that’s just one of Bruce’s fiendish foes to face! Bruce explores the vast nuclear wasteland and discovers such venues as a post-apocalyptic 7-11 (which is huge, and a valued resource!) a perfectly good Perkin’s Pancakes, and a bombed out pet store which arouses strange primal memories in a certain shoulder-monkey!

Will Bruce uncover Kirp’s base and discover the meaning behind the acronym B.A.D.? Will Commander T lead Bruce astray in the doomed nuclear wasteland? Will you ever find out how the heck a monkey ended up inside Bruce’s shoulder? Does Bruce do laundry? All these questions answered and more in Treole Horka!! (Special thanks to my twin, who edited it and got it bound.)

      (Bruce; photoshopped by Robert Bogl.)