Broforce: Broforce Forever Update (2023):

Broforce: Broforce Forever Update (2023):

“The free update to the world's most patriotic video game is out now! New Bros! New Baddies! New Challenges! Play the entire campaign again. And again.”

Broforce added some new characters earlier last year. Let's talk about them. Broffy the Vampire Slayer is obviously Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her special is holy water which can resurrect her if she dies. It also kills demons. But, since I never got to the levels inside Hell, it's not very useful; she throws wooden stakes instead of shooting. The resurrection aspect is neat.

Seth Brodell is Seth Brondell from The Fly. He vomits acid for his attack. The acid is pretty powerful, and can even kill bigger enemies like the Bruiser in one shot. Plus, he can fly for a little bit with a double-jump. He can use teleportation for his special, which is nice to zip around and clear up challenging spots.

Speaking of challenging, Demolition Bro is another Sylvester Stallone character, from Demolition Man. He throws bombs, but not like the McGyver bro, where it automatically just works. No, you have to attack once to throw the bomb, then attack again to detonate it. Thank goodness he's got a standard melee attack. His special's pretty good though: a bomb that freezes everyone around him.

Bro Gummer is Burt Gummer from Tremors. He's got a big high-powered sniper rifle with a nice kick. Honestly, he feels a little overpowered. His special is sniper mode. It's like Brobrocop's special targeting attack, letting you select and take out several enemies. Except Bro Gummer's is way more powerful.

Next up, we have Xebro, Warrior Princess (Xena: Warrior Princess.) She can attack with a sword like Brolander and Broheart. For her special, she throws her chakram. (Her steel boomerang thingy.) It kills everyone around her and returns to her. Also, as with the Mad Max Bro, you can collect multiples of their special attack items. So that's nice!

Desperabro is obviously Antonio Banderas's character from Desperado. He can make enemies dance, by playing the guitar if you stand still. His melee attack is his guitar. He shoots two shotguns. His special is to call in his buddies with a rocket launcher and a machine gun! He has a lot of ways he can be useful. I think he's my favorite of the new bunch.

Of course, Broforce is still fun to play. There were even some minor changes to classic characters like Bronoversial Soldier (Universal Soldier.) He now shoots rapid shots, and his special has been updated to not only a resurrection ability, but also now his special scares nearby enemies, which is helpful.

Well, I just wanted to talk about the new characters. Definitely, my least favorite of the new bunch is Demolition Bro. Which is unfortunate, because that's a great action movie. Regardless, it's still fun to blow everything up and run-and-gun everywhere. It's Broforce's thing. And that's why I can play Broforce: Forever...forever!

Broforce (2015):

Broforce is a pixelated run-and-gun that is an homage to American action movies. Each hero or "Bro" has their own weapons and special abilities. For example, Rambro (Rambo) can throw grenades, while Brommando (Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando) fires a rocket launcher with a special attack that fires three missiles. My favorite bro is probably the duo pair known as The Boondock Bros (Boondock Saints), because not only do they both have to be killed for you to lose a life, but their special ability is resurrection. That comes in handy because as you progress the game can get really hard.

You start off just blasting terrorists in the jungle, and rescuing Bros. The bro parody names are funny sometimes, but sometimes they don't even try. Bro Hard should be John BroClane for example. But, others are pretty funny like The Brofessional (The Professional) and Brobrocop (Robocop). Honestly, I just like blowing stuff up sometimes. Your goal is to get to the chopper at the end of each level. Except when you just have to kill a boss. Everything around you blows up or is destroyed when you shoot at it. Even that can be pretty fun.

The fun and humor of the game count for a lot. I never did get much farther than the later buzzsaw trap levels. But, the fast pace and ultra-masculine satirical humor of the game is enough to keep me trying. At the end of each level, you have to kill mini-Satan and raise the USA flag for the chopper to come. But, I see that on the last level, Satan turns into his final beast form and throws fireballs that take up the whole screen that you have to run from while shooting at him. Holy cow! Other levels include aliens and underground enemy bases.

You can also design your own levels in the level editor. Mix and match your enemies and power-ups! Create your own obstacles! Screw around and shoot everything. It's a good time.

Ultimately, I think Broforce has enough challenge and fun to make it infinitely replayable. Though some levels are definitely not my favorite, like the Rail Fortress boss. However, once you beat a level, it's always really satisfying to see everything blow up, and hear that victorious heavy metal guitar riff. Try playing Broforce anyway you can. It's a blast whether you're playing solo or with your bros!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

“Conan! What is best in life?”

“To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.”

This is a classic sword and sorcery flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's village is attacked, and then he becomes a slave, and then an arena fighter. He serves some time in armies, and then he meets a succubus who leads him to find Thulsa Doom, the snake cult leader responsible for his suffering. He finds a sword in a cave, and runs off to find him, and reclaim his kingdom.

Along the way, he meets friends like Valeria The Valkyrie, a wizard, and the archer Subotai. It's a pretty good adventure. Some of the action is pretty surreal. Conan is crucified at one point, and bites a vulture. Thulsa Doom turns into a snake. Good swordfights near the end. It even has some comedy. Like when Conan steals some robes to sneak into the snake cult, or plants his face in a bowl of mush.

Highly recommended for fantasy adventure lovers. Just keep in mind it's not PG-13. Worth a watch though to see Arnold tear through some bad guys before he was Terminator. This also means that when Conan speaks, it's usually a manly growl or an epic line! (See above quote!) Well, what are you waiting for? Go watch it however you can!

Iron Mask (2020):

Iron Mask (2020):

“Early 1700: Cartographer Jonathan Green (Jason Flemyng) from Viy (2014) is back to map the Russian Far East. He's forced on to China, where he confronts the Dragon Master et al. The iron masked Russian Czar escapes the Tower of London to a Russian ship.”

So, there's basically two films going on here. One is a basic supernatural wushu (historical Chinese fairytale.) and the other is the action movie between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan that American audiences were sold. Well, they fight for five minutes. They aren't even the main characters.

In this world, tea is actually the healing tears of a mystical dragon. An evil witch kidnaps and replaces the Russian czar with an imposter, while Johnathan Green is trying to map China. Are you following? Good. Of all people, Arnold plays a British guard. There are some funny moments, but ultimately it pivots to being just another wushu film, with some line about how the lead actress is Jackie Chan's daughter, the rightful empress who has to fight the witch, and reclaim the throne.

By itself, it's an alright movie. I just feel it's a bit bait-and-switch. It feels like two movies. Arnold and Jackie come back to end the film. Jackie explains to Arnold that the dragon is everywhere. Usually, I like wushu films for their effects. But, I think here they just ran out of money to show the dragon again. I would recommend this film. But, just bear in mind, it's a little convoluted.

THE TERMINATOR (1984):

THE TERMINATOR (1984):

“A human soldier is sent from 2029 to 1984 to stop an almost indestructible cyborg killing machine, sent from the same year, which has been programmed to execute a young woman whose unborn son is the key to humanity's future salvation.”

The Terminator is one of the greatest sci-fi action films of all time, mostly thanks to Arnold Schwarzenegger as the killer robot. Kyle Reese is sent to protect Sarah Connor from his rampage. And the cyborg doesn't spare anybody. He shoots up punks, anyone named Sarah Connor, cops, and even tracks Sarah down to a hotel where she thinks she can be safe. But, she's not, because the Terminator will never stop until she's gone.

Time travel shenanigans ensue though here. You see, if Kyle Reese wasn't sent back from 2029, then the leader of his resistance wouldn't be born. It doesn't really work out. But, oh well, the action is good. Plus, it gave us the greatest sequel of all time, Terminator 2: Judgment Day. The cyborg comes back to protect John Connor, who will lead the resistance against the robots.

If there's one thing that dates this film, it's not just the robot puppets, it's the fear of machines and computers. I wonder if a film like Terminator would be as effective today. But, Arnold Schwarzenegger makes such a good monster killing machine that it's hard to look away. Definitely watch it, but for the great action scenes. Everything else is kind of stuck in time. But, I like that.

T2: Judgment Day Review

T2: Judgment Day Review:

When I first saw T2 I must’ve been 7. It opens with a futuristic war between Terminators and mankind. However, even as a kid, I think I knew it was trying to say something about the future. Or at least one possible future 1997. I remember being relieved when August 1997 came and went, because that was the date the war started in the movie: “Judgment Day”.

After the war scene of course, I probably remember the T-101 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) appearing in the time vortex, getting the biker’s clothes, etc. And the role reversal between the terminators was great. The T-101 is the rebel biker and the cop is the hunter/killer of John Connor, who will one day lead the human resistance against the machines.

Now, in the first movie, the T-101 hunted John’s mom, and the role reversal means that Sarah Connor, John’s mother, needs to overcome her trauma. Which she does when the T-101 says “Come with me if you want to live.” John is a bad kid even, hacking into ATMs and using early 90s slang. Truly the mark of a rebel. So, it makes sense that the cop would be after him. But, it turns out that the cop is the T-1000, a liquid metal robot from the future sent to kill him.

I know a lot of people know this plot because it’s classic, but those are the basic details: one is the killer, and one is the protector, and mother and son need to prevent Judgment Day. Let’s get to my interpretation. For some reason, as a kid, I felt like I was a good terminator. I felt like the relationship about good vs. evil robot was somehow tied to me and my wheelchair. For me, it was the realization that technology can be good (like my wheelchair.) or evil (T-1000, who chases John and Sarah.) Now that I’m older though, I know it’s about the future in the abstract.

Specifically, it to me is about the future of technology. Will mankind use advanced technology for good or evil? Will we be bound by old prejudices? Will technology destroy us, or can humans and machines “learn” to live in peace? Initially, the “good terminator” is just a killing robot that’s been reprogrammed. But, he learns early 90s slang ( “Hasta la vista, baby!” was made famous.) with John and swears not to kill people. Not even when battling a whole police squadron does he kill people. The last life he takes is his own to prevent the future war.

The special effects and battle scenes remain legendary. The T-1000 is like a slasher-movie villain, and is almost unstoppable. He stabs whoever gets in his way. But, he is also very smart and tries to outwit the humans before stabbing them and taking their forms. He knows that humans usually obey police authority for example. And he even imitates John’s foster family. The T-101 however, knows that the T-1000 can do that, and so prevents John from going into the trap.

My favorite scene is when the T-1000 reforms his head with his liquid metal ability. His head comes apart in two; but then it reforms and you think, “Uh oh.” Heck, I like just about all of the morphing scenes. I'm even sad that the liquid metal concept was abandoned in later Terminator movies. The female Terminator in T3 just wasn’t as threatening, in my opinion. She is obviously less advanced than the T-1000.

To me, The later movies seem to undo all the events of T2, which is a great tragedy, and just means they’ll keep re-booting it. T2 had an actual message: There’s no fate but the one we make. The later films undo the message of hope, and all those great battle scenes! But, the time travel aspect of the film ensures that there’s always hope. Perhaps the T-1000 will re-appear, and will do the franchise good. Until then! Hasta la vista, baby!