I, Tonya (2017):

I, Tonya (2017):

“Competitive ice skater Tonya Harding rises amongst the ranks at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, but her future in the activity is thrown into doubt when her ex-husband intervenes.”

Well, I learned a lot watching this movie. I was very young when Tonya Harding's trial was going on, and I don't remember too much of it. I remember it as she herself who attacked Nancy Kerrigan in 1994. Turns out, it was her abusive husband's friend of a friend who was pretending to be a top counterterrorism expert. What a wild and intriguing story.

Margot Robbie plays Tonya Harding, from her training with her controlling mother at age 4, to right up until she's BANNED for life from skating after “the incident”. She allegedly just meant to scare her competition off. But, her ex hires a wannabe hitman to break her leg. Tonya goes back to being a waitress. Later, she's approached by an agent who wants to recruit her for Team USA in 1994. Then, she gets in after Kerrigan is taken out, and then the court case begins.

To ensure that she wins, her then ex hires a wannabe CIA goon to take out Nancy Kerrigan, her competition in Team USA. It's a wild story. Like I said, I always thought she did it herself until I saw this movie. I had no idea how many people were allegedly pushing her, (even her mom.) and how forced she was into figure-skating. I think she should've just been a hockey player. That's just me. She had the talent and anger issues.

Ultimately, it's a story of narcissism and abuse. Everyone abuses everyone. Everyone acts tough and has insecurity. I liked how it showed what happened, and how it showed Tonya Harding as a human. She's vulnerable. Even though her boyfriend at one point calls figure-skating her “superpower”, she's not a superhero, or a monster. She's a human. This is the best biopic I've seen in a while. If you have time, give it a watch!

ONE PUNCH MAN SEASON 1 (2015):

ONE PUNCH MAN SEASON 1 (2015):

“The story of Saitama, a hero that does it just for fun and can defeat his enemies with a single punch.”

One Punch Man is something I've wanted to talk about for a long time, because it's so good. It's a comedy shonen. Usually, shonen are just about POWER GUYS who want POWER because POWER is good, so they quest to get more POWER. Here, Saitama already has ultimate power and is just doing the hero thing for fun. That's what makes it very fun and relaxing to watch, despite its action-packed shonen backdrop.

Early on in his hero career, he trains so hard he becomes bald. That's his origin. After that, he can knock out enemies with one punch. He even makes some enemies with the heroes from the Hero Association who are jealous of him. These make all the fights in Season 1 hilarious. The villains and other heroes talk a big game, and then it's over in one punch.

But, he doesn't just make enemies. While fighting a giant mosquito lady, Saitama befriends a cyborg Genos, who's training to become a hero. Saitama takes him on as a disciple. Then, One Punch Man takes out the “House of Evolution”, Hammerhead's "Paradiser Gang", and some others like “Speed o' Sound Sonic", who is a ninja. Eventually, Genos convinces Saitama to join the Hero Association, so he can have fans. From there, he passes the physical exam with flying colors while completely forgetting the oral test!

After multiple heroes struggle to take out the “Sea King”, One Punch Man arrives leisurely. After he punches him out, some kids and heroes start to claim that Saitama is a phony, or a job poacher. From there, the anime becomes a weird alien invasion story. Their leader Ouroboros has a heavily armored spaceship, and about 5 “final forms” of armor. Of course, the only thing Saitama really fights is boredom. He just says “Ok.” after Ouroboro's villain monologue. But, he has to break out his “finisher”: Serious Punch!

Even after all that, Saitama finds that most the aliens are good. So, he keeps to his apartment and lets them hang around. The reason I like Season 1 is it tells a pretty chill, self-contained story which is pretty much the opposite of your average self-serious, meandering action shonen. That alone makes it funny. The next seasons are about the arrival of the Hero Hunter villain Garou, and a tournament arc, with the ending teasing the arrival of the Monster Association. These are good, and deliciously self-depreciating, but nothing really compares to that first season.

One Punch Man is always looking for a good fight, but can never find it. Despite this, he's never boasting or talking himself up. He battles boredom, and gets excited for simple things like clearance deals on food. That's pretty much the entire joke. Some people hate that kind of humor, but I loved it. I haven't seen a shonen quite like it. If you've got a chance, definitely watch it. It's one of my favorites, and free on Hulu.

The Rocker (2008):

The Rocker (2008):

“In the 1980s, a drummer is abandoned by his band just before they become rock superstars. Twenty years later, the drummer sees his second chance at stardom arise when he is asked to perform with his teenage nephew's high school rock band.”

Rainn Wilson plays a washed-up rocker who teaches some emo high school kids how to rock. He's kicked out of his band Vesuvius in the past. When they make it big, he gets bitter and resigns himself to an office job. A new success by his old band triggers his bitterness again. But, then he plays with his nephew's high school band at prom, and wants to drum again.

Afterwards, they get noticed on YouTube. But, it's because people are laughing at them. He doesn't care though. It's enough to get them noticed. And then, they start playing big shows again. Gradually, the band's success goes to their heads. The lead singer Curtis kicks out Fish. (Rainn Wilson.)

Meanwhile, Curtis realizes he made a mistake. Even though he was a crazy drummer who changed their looks and lyrics, they see the new drummer as a wet blanket. They invite Fish back and play in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Warming up for his old band.

Fish's old band all became sellouts and speak in faux British accents. The rest of the movie is basically him confronting his old fear of his successful bandmates. It feels like it starts to repeat a little. I recognize their was a period where every 00s teen movie tried to be an 80s movie. It feels a little weird that all that needed to happen was for an emo band to change it's look and sound entirely to hit it big. I know it's about standing up to The Man, but you're better off watching School of Rock for that.

All the movie needed to do was have the kids learn who they really are. But, then it repeats itself for their mentor. The first three acts are ok, even if a little cliché. But, that last act with Rainn Wilson suddenly losing his edge just falls flat. Overall, you can skip this one. Watch School of Rock.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006):

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006):

“When a regular guy dumps a superhero for her neediness, she uses her powers to make his life a living hell.”

Everyone in this movie is crazy. Even the superhero. Matt Saunders works in a design firm, and has bad luck with the ladies. His pervert friend Vaughn says the answer is just a quick hookup. Unfortunately, the woman he hooks up with is a superhero. Things start hot and heavy, as Jenny Johnson (a.k.a. G-Girl, whose hero moniker is never explained. What's the G stand for? Great? Gamma? Genetically-enhanced?) is just looking for reprieve from her job. But then, she gets psychotically possessive.

G-Girl routinely controls who Matt can see and won't let him go to work, breaks his stuff during making out, and is paranoid to a fault. When Matt tries to break up, she breaks his apartment, ruins his meetings (by stripping him with super speed in public.) and throws his car into space. At one point, she even throws a shark into his apartment. That was funny, because it was so unexpected!

One day, after a date, Matt is kidnapped by the goons of G-Girl's archnemesis Professor Bedlam. He reveals that he and G-Girl used to be in love. (After Professor Bedlam hangs Matt from the Statue of Liberty.) But, after she gained her powers from a meteor, she ignored him. Luckily, he has a piece of the meteor that gives her her power. If she gets too close, it will de-power her. Matt, tried of having his life screwed up, agrees.

Meanwhile, back at Matt's office, a girl named Hannah is always getting Matt to ogle her. I told you everyone is crazy in this film. G-Girl has been jealous of her since the beginning, so when she shows up as he's luring G-Girl towards the meteor, a huge fight erupts. But then, Hannah is exposed to the meteor, and can suddenly give G-Girl a fair fight. Then, “Berry” Bedlam realizes he should've gone out with G-Girl, and Hannah and Matt take it steady afterward.

Honestly, everyone in this movie is just a huge relationship red flag. I thought it would end with G-Girl realizing she's a villain, but I guess since it's a comedy, it's all played for laughs. But, the only one who kind of made sense was Bedlam. He shouldn't want to de-power her, but it absolutely makes sense in this case. Overall, this is a movie best enjoyed with snacks, and a huge grain of salt! It's free on Hulu, anyway.

The Bronze (2015):

The Bronze (2015):

“A foul-mouthed former gymnastics bronze medalist with local celebrity status reluctantly trains a rising Olympics aspirant.”

Melissa Rauch plays a fictional foul-mouthed Olympic bronze medalist (Hope Ann Greggory.) with a heart of...well, bronze. I mean, I guess she turns out to kind of care about other people. She's still selfish, entitled, and jealous. She expects people in small-town Ohio to give her free food, and gifts. She doesn't really respect her dad, and lives off his money after her injury.

So, she receives a letter from her dead coach, asking her to train her new rival for another Games. Well, she tries to train her wrong, as a joke, but then discovers 1.) she won't get her coach's money if her trainee doesn't qualify, and 2.) another rival coach is there, ready to tell on her and break the deal. This mostly results in her trying to undo the damage she's already done, giving her good gymnastic advice, and putting her on a better diet...but, not without insults.

The most interesting character is Ben (Thomas Middleditch), the gym owner's son, who suffers from facial ticks. Hope mockingly calls him Twitchy. Ben later confesses that he admires Hope for her athleticism. It spurs her to go on a date with him, and shape up a bit. She becomes a little nicer when someone appreciates her as she is...injury and all.

Look, it's not going to win any awards or anything...but I enjoyed it. Especially as a look into what motivates people to be better. She doesn't change who she is, just becomes a little less bitter. Watch it with some snacks, don't take it too seriously, and this sweet-and-sour comedy will be a treat!

Coneheads (1993):

Coneheads (1993):

“Aliens with conical crania crash-land on Earth.”

Well, Coneheads was free on Hulu. I figured if there's ever a comedy about seeing through alien eyes, this is it. Beldar and Prymaat come from planet Remulak to conquer Earth, but end up staying as “illegal aliens” after a malfunction. A lot of the humor comes from the way they talk so scientifically. For example, “re-numerating with metallic tender discs.” for “paying in change”; or “consumption of mass quantities” for eating.

Beldar and Prymaat slowly adapt to American life despite being aliens. Beldar is a hard worker, and can succeed at almost any job because his cone or body can interact with machinery. Meanwhile, he has the government chasing him and his family down. Beldar's child, Connie Conehead, was born in America and quickly falls in love with a car mechanic (Chris Farley!) because she can describe in detail all the equipment in his shop! Yes, Connie has normal teen problems and fights with her parents, but is still an alien!

Eventually, Beldar's ship returns for him. But, Connie convinces him to stay in America, because they have a good life. They may look funny and talk strangely, but they are good people once they stop being chased around. It's a great comedy, if you have time. Direct your ocular sensors upon it! (Give it a watch!)

Cryptozoo (2021):

Cryptozoo (2021):

“Cryptozookeepers try to capture a Baku, a dream-eating hybrid creature of legend, and start wondering if they should display these beasts or keep them hidden and unknown.”

Well, I guess it helps to know what you're getting into before you watch a movie. I expected this movie to be bizarre, but I didn't expect it to open with two naked hippies getting viciously attacked by a unicorn with South Park-levels of gore. It's a wild movie! Free on Hulu.

From the hippies, we go to our main protagonist Lauren, a cryptid hunter. It's the 1960s, and she's globe-hopping to save mystical creatures. They save Russian storm birds, a satyr, a medusa, and a guy with a face in his chest (voiced by Michael Cera.), to build a zoo for cryptids...Cryptozoo!

One day, she discovers that the Baku (dream-eater) who helped her with nightmares as a kid, and inspired her quest to become a crypto-zoologist, is being held by the US military. So, she gathers her cryptid friends and quests to save her from them. Thus, the movie turns into a sort of mystical spy epic, with tons of gore as the animals and soldiers are both killed/or captured.

I'm not necessarily against violence in movies, I just think I wasn't prepared to watch an officer get eaten by a South American megaworm. Or goblins get shot, or a hippie to be impaled by a unicorn. The general message seems to be that nature wants animals to be free, not used as weapons or entertainment. The animation is psychedelic and 1960s-inspired, so at least it's never boring. Watch it with some snacks, and you'll have fun.

Iron Mask (2020):

Iron Mask (2020):

“Early 1700: Cartographer Jonathan Green (Jason Flemyng) from Viy (2014) is back to map the Russian Far East. He's forced on to China, where he confronts the Dragon Master et al. The iron masked Russian Czar escapes the Tower of London to a Russian ship.”

So, there's basically two films going on here. One is a basic supernatural wushu (historical Chinese fairytale.) and the other is the action movie between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan that American audiences were sold. Well, they fight for five minutes. They aren't even the main characters.

In this world, tea is actually the healing tears of a mystical dragon. An evil witch kidnaps and replaces the Russian czar with an imposter, while Johnathan Green is trying to map China. Are you following? Good. Of all people, Arnold plays a British guard. There are some funny moments, but ultimately it pivots to being just another wushu film, with some line about how the lead actress is Jackie Chan's daughter, the rightful empress who has to fight the witch, and reclaim the throne.

By itself, it's an alright movie. I just feel it's a bit bait-and-switch. It feels like two movies. Arnold and Jackie come back to end the film. Jackie explains to Arnold that the dragon is everywhere. Usually, I like wushu films for their effects. But, I think here they just ran out of money to show the dragon again. I would recommend this film. But, just bear in mind, it's a little convoluted.