TMNT (2007):

TMNT (2007):

“When the world is threatened by an ancient evil, the four adolescent turtles must reunite and overcome their faults in order to stand against it.”

I have no idea why someone thought it was a good idea to make a Ninja Turtles movie take place after they defeated Shredder. Part of it takes place in Central America. You have hundreds of villains, characters, and plots to choose from in the TMNT universe. What they decided was to use a standard villain named Winters, and slowly introduce Dimension X, while back in NY, the turtles struggle with menial jobs.

Leo disappears to Central America to learn how to be a better leader...or something. Raph is a superhero vigilante called Night Watchman. Mikey becomes a party clown. Donatello lands a job in IT. It's kind of fun...for a one-off joke, not bringing together the whole team for the entire run-time.

Anyway, monsters start appearing in NY thanks to Winters and a Central American tablet which makes a portal appear. Stone soldiers and mutants start attacking. This is just about the only good fight scene we get with all the turtles fighting as a team. The rest of the movie is them rescuing Leo from the monsters.

It does have a few redeeming qualities. There's a fight scene between Raph and Leo. That was pretty good. The voice actors are pretty good. Patrick Stewart is Winters. Chris Evans is Casey Jones. Mako plays Splinter. It's free on Netflix, but absolutely skip this one, since it's trying to set up franchise sequels we know never happened. I think there was a videogame, but otherwise what a waste of some good ideas.

Lucy (2014):

Lucy (2014):

“A woman, accidentally caught in a dark deal, turns the tables on her captors and transforms into a merciless warrior evolved beyond human logic.”

I've wanted to talk about this movie for a long time. It's very good, even if its thesis rests on the 10% brain myth. That's just an excuse to give Lucy superpowers, have her talk about evolution, and philosophy. It's a very French action film, in that it introduces meaning-of-life-questions into a shoot-em-up. But, let's get to talking about it.

Average Lucy is going about her day as a tourist when she's kidnapped by Chinese gangsters and forced to ingest CPH4, a new drug. Meanwhile, Morgan Freeman plays Dr. Norman, who's giving a speech on evolution and the brain. While Lucy is expanding her brain, she finds that she can move objects, and heroically escapes her kidnappers, and gets to a hospital.

She can understand Chinese now, which isn't how the brain works at all, but, sci-fi. Turns out that while the drug is enhancing her body, it's also killing it, and evolving beyond the need for a body. All this is while the mafia and European authorities are after her. It's a race against time as Lucy guns down criminals and stops the authorities with her mind. Then, she has to fly to Paris, and meet Dr. Norman in 12 hours.

On the plane, she starts to transcend her physical body, and become little swirling, morphing bits, but with her powers, she remains corporeal. Once in Paris, she unlocks her final abilities, and builds a supercomputer to record her knowledge. Her last superpower is time travel, as time is the only thing connecting her to physical matter.

There's a lot to digest here in 89 minutes. we have time travel, psychic abilities, and even some evolutionary psychology, all wrapped in a fast-paced action movie. Scarlett Johansson's steely-eyed femme fatale presence does most of the dramatic heavy lifting as she evolves from ditzy tourist to omniscient god, and so does Morgan Freeman's authoritative voice.

I highly recommend this film. It's not really science, but it's great sci-fi action. It gives you some philosophy to think about, while also having stylish action. Watch it anyway you can! You at least won't be able to look away, since everything happens so fast.

Tank Girl (1995):

Tank Girl (1995):

"A girl is among the few survivors of a dystopian Earth. Riding a war tank, she fights against the tyranny of a mega-corporation that dominates the remaining potable water supply of the planet."

Bizarre apocalyptic sci-fi action-comedy film with Tank Girl trying to rescue her friend from a madman who hoards the world's water and drains it through their bodies. It has cartoony elements like dancing to fight off enemies, befriending goofy mutants, and her tank comes to her like a pet. Interspersed with comic book animation. Check it out if you can.

CADILLACS AND DINOSAURS (1993 ARCADE) ACCESSIBILITY REVIEW:

CADILLACS AND DINOSAURS (1993 ARCADE) ACCESSIBILITY REVIEW:

MESS O.: “HEY CREEP! GET AWAY FROM THAT DINO!”

VICE T.: “GET LOST OR LOSE TEETH! YOUR CARCASS WILL FATTEN UP THIS 

ROCK HOPPER BEFORE I SKIN IT!”

- Stage 1 Boss “Vice T.” Dialogue 

    Today, I played the most 90s thing I have ever seen. Why haven’t I ever seen this before!? Listen to this:  It’s a Final Fight ripoff based on a comic that became a Saturday morning cartoon. That is gnarly, dude! It’s about guys from an apocalyptic 2153 fighting dinosaur hunters the best way possible. By beating them up! And sometimes even their dinosaurs, because those are obviously bad dinos. The ones you are saving are good. Since 90s nostalgia is cool, and it’s the most recent thing I’ve played, I thought I’d share some of my experiences with this radical game.

Apparently, the game supports up to four players: Jack, (Your Cody Clone!) Hannah, (Obligatory female in orange suit.) Mustapha,( Tough Black Guy!) and Mess O., (Your Haggar Clone!) Now, it’s pretty much your standard beat-‘em-up sidescroller with scifi tough guys, fat guys, and people with whips (And dinos, of course!) to beat up as you find food and power-ups in conveniently-placed oil drums and containers. But, it’s main gimmick seems to be that this game has more guns than The Punisher arcade game. There are a lot. All over the place.

Unlike most beat-em-ups, you see, it uses an ammo system. Most beat-em-ups have you throw away your gun after a few uses, like a ranged weapon with 3 uses. (The Punisher, Final Fight, Streets of Rage, etc.) Not in this game! You can pick up ammo, and blast punks with your shotguns, or triceratopses with your uzis, ‘til you can’t reload. This is the first beat-em-up I’ve seen with such a reload system, and it is awesome.

By the way, on the flipside of awesome cheese, all 90s arcade beat-em-ups had frighteningly cheesy and potentially traumatic game over screens to get you to fork over another quarter. In this one, Vice T. shoots you in the face when the counter reaches 0, and says “ EAT LEAD -- BABY!” Terrifying cheesiness. But, in this emulation, simply pressing a button inserts a coin, thank goodness. So we can be spared the potential trauma of hearing: “EAT LEAD -- BABY!” in our nightmares!

I love the cheesiness. I love that the mission doesn’t make sense. Save good dinos, kill bad ones. Sure! And I love that everything is solved with a one-liner and a punch. I even love the bad dialogue. (Jack’s victory phrase is “You can’t touch this!”) Anyway, I did have a couple accessibility issues. Since this was an emulation, I couldn’t figure out how to do special attacks. I pressed all the buttons. But, since there was no instructions on how the emulation translates arcade buttons, I still haven’t figured it all out, but have done most the guesswork myself. Thankfully, beat-em-ups  are pretty straightforward and accessible. Just punch and move forward.

Before anyone asks…I haven’t read the comics, or seen the cartoon (Yet!) But, I thought the game was mind-blowingly RADICAL. If you want to revisit the 90s, or just have fun beating up bad guys with the power of one-liners and 90s catchphrases, this game is for you. Guns and dinosaurs! What more do you want? Check it out!

FINAL GRADE: A

ACCESSIBILITY GRADE: A-  (Straight-forward beat-em-up with minimal tricky controls. Punch and move forward if all else fails.)

FORGIVENESS FACTOR: A+ (Unlimited continues if you‘re playing an emulation!)

CONTROLS: A (Pretty straightforward for a beat-em-up. But, some guesswork. Figure out how to punch, and you‘re good to beat up punks and evil dinos! Rock on!)

Review of my book Treole Horka!:

“My name is Bruce. I was born in the 80s after a nuclear war. A time they call 20year. But, I call it butt-kickin’ time…or Justice Time.”

- Treole Horka!, book jacket

Armageddon week, Day 1: As stated before, Treole Horka! is my comedy about nuclear war and spoof on big 80s action stars, or the post-apocalyptic genre in general. I recommend you buy it if I publish it. It’s protagonist Bruce, has a monkey fused in his right shoulder (“The shoulder of justice!”) He’s a big beefy mutated rebel biker pitted against the evil Dr. Kirp who is served by an army, the B.A.D. I wanted to have Bruce use as many smooth one-liners as possible, invoking stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Campbell, so that it really drives home how cool he is. Along the way, he meets the forces of G.O.O.D.

A major theme is the epic battle between G.O.O.D. and B.A.D. Whereas Bruce is the go-to mutant biker who wanders the nuclear wasteland beating up “dweebs” Communists, and oppressive biker overlords, all while wearing his best punk outfit; G.O.O.D. is a cyborg army led by Commander T that stops threats to the nuclear wasteland, which are caused by B.A.D. and the evil genius Dr. Kirp. Commander T is always pumped, and calls himself “The Master of Pumptitude”. Thinking that’s
cool, Bruce follows them in their hunt for Dr. Kirp.

So, they hunt B.A.D. together. Bruce fights ninjas, bikers, cultists, mutants, the undead and giant mosquitoes among other things. And yes, he has a big gun. It’s just what you would want in a good action story! As Bruce bashes through 7-11 overlords, board game obsessed tough guys, and a trailer park with a Communist Cola vending machine, he pieces together where Kirp’s base is. I won’t give away the jokes, but if you read the sentence before, it’s some pretty absurd stuff, and still cracks me up. Bruce’s insults don’t even need to make sense to sound cool.

A major source of comedy is Bruce’s image. And the monkey. The whole monkey-in-the-shoulder thing kind of offsets Bruce’s tough guy image. “No one gets out that lucky after a nuclear war.” Also, Bruce’s “girlfriend” is the mutant Laboratory Octopus. She’s sexy, but has tentacles growing out of her head. They ooze slime and stuff. So, they are too mutant lovers with opposite sort of juxtaposed images. I really wish I could talk about the jokes, but you’ll have to read them!

As I’m good at doing, the whole story is written in a sort of faux-epic style. Contrary to what this blog conveys, I don’t always write like I’m writing a Communication thesis! Ha! Here’s a little taste from Bruce’s encounter with the dastardly Slasher Gang:

 “The Slasher Gang…” Bruce's voice roughened in deadly preparation for a snappy insult. “Not the sharpest knives in the box…”The Slasher Gang-- that bunch of rude-looking knife-nuts-- was perhaps best known for their love of sharp objects and bubble gum comic strips. Together, they formed a fearsome band of dagger-wielding degenerates under the iron rule of the infamous teen idol and criminal mastermind known only as “Razor.”

And that’s just one of Bruce’s fiendish foes to face! Bruce explores the vast nuclear wasteland and discovers such venues as a post-apocalyptic 7-11 (which is huge, and a valued resource!) a perfectly good Perkin’s Pancakes, and a bombed out pet store which arouses strange primal memories in a certain shoulder-monkey!

Will Bruce uncover Kirp’s base and discover the meaning behind the acronym B.A.D.? Will Commander T lead Bruce astray in the doomed nuclear wasteland? Will you ever find out how the heck a monkey ended up inside Bruce’s shoulder? Does Bruce do laundry? All these questions answered and more in Treole Horka!! (Special thanks to my twin, who edited it and got it bound.)

      (Bruce; photoshopped by Robert Bogl.)