Cards and Castles 2 (2023):

Cards and Castles 2 (2023):

“Collectible cards spring to life in this wacky Tactical CCG. Assemble a deck to challenge your friends and rivals, and engage in glorious CARD BATTLES! Will you choose fearsome dragons, or the deadly squirrels?”

This game is a collectible card game (CCG) that is all about using a cutesy and funny art-style for a war-based card game. It reminds me a little bit of Card Wars from Adventure Time. There are 6 factions. Vikings, Ninjas, Undead, Bestial, Thieves and Heroes. The Vikings can summon berserkers, land sharks, and war penguins, among others. The forces of Nature (Bestial) can summon Archers, Trees, and battle squirrels. It's all about being silly and weird.

But, the game isn't without strategy. I still haven't really built a good deck up yet. Sometimes you can build buildings that give cards more health or attack. Or if you're the Ninja or Thieves faction, you can set traps so that when your castle is attacked, it hurts the other player. The object of of the game is to destroy the other player's castle.

As with most of these deck-building games, there comes a point where it just comes down to luck of the draw and how powerful your cards are, but that's how they draw you in. You might be doing good one minute and then someone draws a card that destroys everything in your deck. That's just how these games go. A cutesy art-style can only mask so much grinding.

I'm not a fan of huge grinds in games, so I usually just stick with the Vikings so far, unless I'm completing a mission that calls for another faction. They can use Dwarven weapons and armor, and have good heroes, like some guy named Björn. Plus, they're the first faction you start with, so it's easier for me just to start there and build outward.

Look, I wish I could say I liked the game more, I'm not against the “Git Gud” philosophy, but there's too much grinding for my tastes. Single-Player Quests are ok, even a bit challenging. After a while, you're either too overpowered for Single-Player, or too under-powered for multiplayer. But, as I said, I still haven't really built up a good deck. I can't really recommend it, but if you don't mind the grind, check it out.

The Monster Squad (1987):

The Monster Squad (1987):

“A young group of monster fanatics attempt to save their hometown from Count Dracula and his monsters.”

5 kids team up take on 5 classic monsters! As a kid, I thought the funniest scene in this movie was a kid kicking Wolfman in the “nards”. But, now I think my favorite scene is when some kid's dad shows up, and just shoots Dracula's vampire bat form! They spend all that time building up the kids, and the Dad just shoots Dracula!

Now, on to the plot. Van Helsing tried to rid the world of monsters 100 years ago, but the opening crawl says “They blew it.” So, now the monsters are in the 1980s US, wreaking havoc. Luckily, a kid who loves horror movies lives next to a German guy who can read Van Helsing's old book that will banish the monsters.

Some good monsters here. You got Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, The Creature from The Black Lagoon, and The Mummy. The Mummy just unravels once a kid sticks his leg bandage to a stop sign with an arrow. Wolfman is just shot by a kid wearing a leather jacket, and of course Dracula is just shot by the kid's dad. Frankenstein teams up with the kids after befriending the little girl in the squad.

It's the little girl who reads the German magic spell. She's helped by the German guy. (Credited as “Scary German Guy”.) All in all, I liked this movie, and it was a pretty fun way to end spooky season. There's a lot of jokes that would probably be considered inappropriate for a kid's movie today, including a running gag where they have to ask one of the squad girls if she's a virgin.

But, if you turn your brain off, and remember it's “PG for the '80s”, it's a good time. I still couldn't help but wonder: If some of the monsters can just be shot, why did they need the magic? Oh, well. I guess that's the funniest part to me. It's free on YouTube. Give it a watch!

Kung Fury (2015):

Kung Fury (2015):

"In 1985, Kung Fury, the toughest martial artist cop in Miami, goes back in time to kill the worst criminal of all time - Kung Führer, a.k.a. Adolf Hitler."

In this action comedy set in the 1980s, a martial arts expert named Kung Fury/cop time travels to kill Hitler. He resurrected himself with kung fu and shot up a police station through a phone. With the help of his friend Hackerman (played by Swedish musician Mitch Murder), he hacks through time to stop Hitler from becoming a supreme kung fu expert.

But, first he travels to far back in time, and meets Thor. The Norse God and his Valkyries join the fight against the kung fu Nazis. This is a fun little tribute/parody to the scifi action films of the 1980s. Pure fun action. It's the ultimate Good vs Evil battle! It's not too long. Give it a watch when you have time.

KUNG POW!: ENTER THE FIST (2002):

KUNG POW!: ENTER THE FIST (2002):

"Writer-director Steve Oedekerk acquired the little known 1976 Hong Kong karate flick "Savage Killers," then seamlessly blended portions of the film with new material he has directed to create a wild, off-the-wall, comedy feature film."

Where to begin!? Not only is this film weird, it's funny! Steve Oedekerk inserted himself into a kung fu flick and changed the plot to where he has a magical tongue, and fights his nemesis Master Pain aka Betty! "Beware his song about big butts...he beats you up when he plays it!" Hilarious. Watch any way you can.

Alien Opponent (2010):

Alien Opponent (2010):

"The owner of a small-town junkyard offers a cash reward to whomever can kill her uninvited, space-suited alien guest when its spacecraft crash-lands into her barn. Every wacko within 100 miles turns out, and before long, the junkyard is transformed into a war zone of man vs. man vs. machine vs. alien vs. God only knows what."

Goofy action-comedy with Roddy Piper as a supporting character: a foul-mouthed priest. This one is more a pastiche of trashy reality TV shows. Imagine if Predator was a comedy. I found it entertaining. As always, Roddy Piper elevates the film by his energy, and gets a few wrestling scenes in there. Otherwise, barely a movie. But, a good and weird amateur spoof.

Review of my book Treole Horka!:

“My name is Bruce. I was born in the 80s after a nuclear war. A time they call 20year. But, I call it butt-kickin’ time…or Justice Time.”

- Treole Horka!, book jacket

Armageddon week, Day 1: As stated before, Treole Horka! is my comedy about nuclear war and spoof on big 80s action stars, or the post-apocalyptic genre in general. I recommend you buy it if I publish it. It’s protagonist Bruce, has a monkey fused in his right shoulder (“The shoulder of justice!”) He’s a big beefy mutated rebel biker pitted against the evil Dr. Kirp who is served by an army, the B.A.D. I wanted to have Bruce use as many smooth one-liners as possible, invoking stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Campbell, so that it really drives home how cool he is. Along the way, he meets the forces of G.O.O.D.

A major theme is the epic battle between G.O.O.D. and B.A.D. Whereas Bruce is the go-to mutant biker who wanders the nuclear wasteland beating up “dweebs” Communists, and oppressive biker overlords, all while wearing his best punk outfit; G.O.O.D. is a cyborg army led by Commander T that stops threats to the nuclear wasteland, which are caused by B.A.D. and the evil genius Dr. Kirp. Commander T is always pumped, and calls himself “The Master of Pumptitude”. Thinking that’s
cool, Bruce follows them in their hunt for Dr. Kirp.

So, they hunt B.A.D. together. Bruce fights ninjas, bikers, cultists, mutants, the undead and giant mosquitoes among other things. And yes, he has a big gun. It’s just what you would want in a good action story! As Bruce bashes through 7-11 overlords, board game obsessed tough guys, and a trailer park with a Communist Cola vending machine, he pieces together where Kirp’s base is. I won’t give away the jokes, but if you read the sentence before, it’s some pretty absurd stuff, and still cracks me up. Bruce’s insults don’t even need to make sense to sound cool.

A major source of comedy is Bruce’s image. And the monkey. The whole monkey-in-the-shoulder thing kind of offsets Bruce’s tough guy image. “No one gets out that lucky after a nuclear war.” Also, Bruce’s “girlfriend” is the mutant Laboratory Octopus. She’s sexy, but has tentacles growing out of her head. They ooze slime and stuff. So, they are too mutant lovers with opposite sort of juxtaposed images. I really wish I could talk about the jokes, but you’ll have to read them!

As I’m good at doing, the whole story is written in a sort of faux-epic style. Contrary to what this blog conveys, I don’t always write like I’m writing a Communication thesis! Ha! Here’s a little taste from Bruce’s encounter with the dastardly Slasher Gang:

 “The Slasher Gang…” Bruce's voice roughened in deadly preparation for a snappy insult. “Not the sharpest knives in the box…”The Slasher Gang-- that bunch of rude-looking knife-nuts-- was perhaps best known for their love of sharp objects and bubble gum comic strips. Together, they formed a fearsome band of dagger-wielding degenerates under the iron rule of the infamous teen idol and criminal mastermind known only as “Razor.”

And that’s just one of Bruce’s fiendish foes to face! Bruce explores the vast nuclear wasteland and discovers such venues as a post-apocalyptic 7-11 (which is huge, and a valued resource!) a perfectly good Perkin’s Pancakes, and a bombed out pet store which arouses strange primal memories in a certain shoulder-monkey!

Will Bruce uncover Kirp’s base and discover the meaning behind the acronym B.A.D.? Will Commander T lead Bruce astray in the doomed nuclear wasteland? Will you ever find out how the heck a monkey ended up inside Bruce’s shoulder? Does Bruce do laundry? All these questions answered and more in Treole Horka!! (Special thanks to my twin, who edited it and got it bound.)

      (Bruce; photoshopped by Robert Bogl.)