An Analysis of “Mein Krieg My Private War”: Amateur Films by German WW2 Soldiers (1989/1990):

An Analysis of “Mein Krieg My Private War”: Amateur Films by German WW2 Soldiers (1989/1990):

Bringing Memories To Life:

“I think I still have my 8mm Siemens here in this wardrobe.”* The former German soldier, a narrow-faced old man now with unkempt tufts of white hair moves a heavy vacuum cleaner out of the way, and he sorts through the old closet, and pulls out a hefty old machine that looks like a miniature metallic jack-in-the-box. “Ah! So, it was the 16mm model, then! Look here!” He says, out of breath. The old man takes the big square camera and turns the crank on the side so that the lens is slowly exposed. “Hey, it still works!” he says excitedly. “I’ll be, look at that. Pretty hefty, ‘ey?”

As the man walks to a white room where a small table is sprawled with old black and white photos, the German seats himself in a big red armchair, his British translators sitting opposite him behind the lens of a camcorder so as to be transparent. “I am always amazed how these photos excite my senses...” He says, his voice falling from exasperation. “I still remember the smells of burning wood. The pictures...they sure bring memories to life, don’t they?”

He began slowly with a deep breath: “At first...we didn’t quite know where we were headed. Then, I saw this sign in some sort of Polish script or something as we headed further eastward from Berlin, and then I knew we were going to invade Russia. In the train, the next day our commandant said to us: "Boys, I'm not supposed to tell you, but 4:00 is attack time. We all had butterflies in our stomachs; we didn't know what to do." The face of the man then turns and laughs at an old film shown on a projector: German soldiers drinking beer around a campfire. One sticks his hand on the lens so as to hide.

"Aha! There I am! With a mustache, even! Look! And I was camera shy.

"Camera shy?" asks a translator.

"Camera shy!" he laughs.

ANIMALS TO MEN:

The next former soldier is a bald, tall man with glasses and an orange sweater. He sits in a dimly-lit room, possibly a darkroom, with a small round off-white table. The bookcases and shelves in the background suggest he has knowledge of his dark past. He begins nervously, speaking with a cracked voice. "My parents were of the opinion that anything that was considered good must be good for their son, too. And in these times... (falling voice, notably sweating...from clothes?) ...it was considered..."good" to be in the Hitler Youth; you see, not to be an outsider." Cut to black and white footage of a line of boys in Hitler Youth regalia; brown shirts, khaki shorts, and swastika armbands. They are carrying a big swastika flag on a pole and marching around a hilly meadow. "I think I was...14 years old, then? Yes, 14 years old."

He explains that his parents were very curious about what a young boy does in a Hitler Youth camp, and so they gave him a camera. But, he only took pictures of what interested him at the time. You then cut to photos of puss willows and a boy in a Hitler Youth uniform cleaning the front wheel of a bike.

"There was a certain regimentation to it all, you had a sense of purpose." He says. "You didn't walk around aimlessly. You marched." Footage shows boys raising the flag in a busy town center next to two Nazi troops. "I remember one day I was being very curious and troops came by me, and I looked at them, thinking "Aha! What's this, then? And a pedestrian grabbed me by the arm and barked: "STRETCH YOUR ARM OUT when the Führer's troops pass by! Then, I learned to stretch out my arm and stand at attention when they passed by from then on."

The old man then comments on some color footage of a teenage soldier smiling, standing at attention and marching, which he happily explains to be himself in basic training. Then, his voice becomes quiet as more footage of basic training is shown. Two men crawling on their stomachs in the snow. A man hopping up and down like a bunny. Men with bayonets stabbing a dummy. "Of course, when you were in basic training you had to be tough or the men would tease you and call you a softie. On the other hand, I did not want to lose my friends. So, I wanted to stay in the middle ground, you see." He says, while the footage runs.

"Did you, also?" Asks the male translator.

"Well..." The old intellectual hesitates slightly, pushing up his glasses. "Remember: I was 18; I was a different person!" He speaks fast and holds up a finger. Then, again at normal pace. "Now, I am 66. Back then, I had no way of knowing that their objective was to humiliate us, to break our will, to make us behave like animals, so that you were capable of carrying out ANY order without asking 'Is this right or is this wrong?' And that makes me an accomplice. Yes. As a soldier I was an accomplice." "

Did you participate in the firing squad units [Todeskopfeinheiten] or did you see any in Russia?" Asks the female translator. He jerks at his collar and takes a deep breath, relaxing as he rests his knuckles back on the table: "No. I never even saw a firing squad but I heard stories when I was a POW in Kiev. Of the atrocities that the members German army, me, my friends, and Germany had committed." His voice is strained (from tears?) and he continues, gesturing slowly and half-heartedly to swat away the memory. "At first we...we thought this was exaggerated, or Soviet propaganda; they did call us the "fascist hordes", and to us the Russians and the Jews were subhuman. [Untermenschen]." Cut to a scene of gallows with 5 Russians hanging, all marked with a gold JUDE [Jew] star on their chest. A sign reads: THESE JEWS AGGITATED THE GERMAN WEHRMACHT. [Hitler’s army] “But when I was in Kiev, I saw the Russians starving, wrapped in blankets...they didn’t seem like a threat; they were human. I saw photographs of the concentration camps, too.” Next, the German is huddled over filing cabinets marked with the names of cities and concentration camps. “These are my archives. I decided to publish them.” The German nods.

MEN TO ANIMALS:

“NIEMAND erwartete den Russlandfeldzug!” [NO ONE anticipated the Russian campaign] yells a round, tanned interviewee wearing a loose red tie and open grey business suit, throwing up his hands emphatically. He sits in a yellow armchair, his stance is slouched, comfortable and relaxed, but he speaks passionately of the journey to Russia: “The feeling was...the...the...well, the same feeling when you undertake a journey!” Now, they were soldiers he says. Now, they were doing something. What mattered to him was the journey though, and not the politics: “I was an instrument of the state! The word kill never occurred to us, that was not a topic.”

he says, waving his hands. “I had orders and I had to fulfill them!” He tells of being in Sevastopol, and sings a song in Russian he heard when he was with 90,000 (Russian) POWs. He shot films of his artillery unit shooting down a Russian fighter plane with their carbine rifles. He laughs: “You see, it was a hornet that stung us. And that was very unusual at that time, to shoot down a plane with rifles. But, it was the only thing we had. He could’ve killed maybe five of our men.” The shot centers on the dead pilot, with a blue sweater among the smoking wreckage. “There’s the pilot...gray-blue sweater. A bit still there.”

“One felt like one was a rabbit! Poking in and out of the trenches, and eating and celebrating! War heightens the senses, you know.” Footage of men in trenches, digging, then drinking beer, and eating hard bread. He continues, this time around a small miniature model of the Brandenburg Gate, positioning Napoleonic cavalry models to the right, left, and center. “You see, I didn’t want to destroy; that’s not me. I only wanted to observe. I didn’t want to see ruins.” He says.

Cut to him back in the armchair, behind a large bookcase. It is obvious the translator has asked a question about the trains. “Oh, the trains during the wartime are a great topic!” He smiles. “We were so covered in armor, and our backpacks and supplies that we could barely move. The further east we came, the more room there was on the train. But, there were a few who packed instruments and...and we danced, sang, and until…uh, Russia.”

Then, in the first battle, at Sevastopol, he saw the first dead person ever in his life. “There was a German soldier: wedding ring glistening in the sun, face red… and bloated…flies around his mouth…” Footage of wounded Russians standing in line, bandaged. “There is no war manual that says ‘What do I do with 90,000 prisoners!” He says, “I looked after some Russians and give them water, dressed their wounds. I am amazed at how determined these wolves were. Look! There’s a Russian pilot. 17 years young!” Close-up of a captured Russian pilot.

“You have a clear conscience of all of this? What about the pilot you shot?” “The pilot...yes… well, sure! Crystal-clear!” He smiles and clears his throat. “I could not tell you about all this so powerfully today if I DID…NOT…HAVE…A CRYSTAL…CLEAR…CONSCIENCE!” It is unclear to me whether this was meant to stop the questions, or if it was said slowly to reinforce his own affirmation.

SPARE ME THE ANSWER:

An older-looking German, his hair sparse, wearing a white business suit and tie with glasses. He is still notably blond as steers the wheel of a car. We arrive at a mall of some kind where he stands in front of a booth with a map on it. He begins his story: “I didn’t want to be in the army, I wanted to be a photographer. But, my parents said this job is not practical. You need discipline, and the army will prepare you for a job.” He was deployed to Vitebsk, Russia. His parents, as a farewell gift, gave him a camera. “It was amazing to me that we did it, but we attacked Vitebsk from the west. The Russians anticipated this. For hours, nothing happened. I climbed up a fir tree to watch, but nothing. I wanted action.” He goes on to explain that the battle began when they found out the population was living underground in earthen bunkers.

“And what did you do with the Russians you found?” Asks the male translator. “Oh…They were…” He exhales, removes his glasses, and touches his palm to his forehead. “Questioned. Rounded up. Shot.” “Did you hear the firing squads or see them, too?” The translators asks. “I saw them, too.” He says. “Did you participate in them, too?”

He turns stone-faced, whispering inaudibly...weeping softly. “Do I have to answer that? Spare me the answer, please.” His head in his hands. “I was glad to be doing what I wanted to do.” He is now standing, having collected himself and is apparently showing the translator a photoalbum either of dead Russians, or his comrades. He is frustrated and flips through the book fast and angrily. “See here? Gone-gone-gone-gone-gone-gone! Well, I’ll be…! A complete causality list! Colors you’ve never seen before. Only in Siberia at -55 C.”

The next shot is of the man at a department store in the aforementioned mall. He holds a large music box [Glockenspiel, toy clock] and says: “If you turn the crank this way, the soldiers march around the face of the clock. This toy is beloved of people of all ages. The parents buy them for the children, see?” He chuckles, pointing at the nutcracker- like soldiers, and showing of the cloudy panorama on which is painted a little girl in a pink dress. “But, the parents enjoy playing with it more than the children. And here’s how you turn it off.” He flips a pendulum switch at the top. The soldiers halt.

SEEING IS SEEING:

A full-lipped, round man in a neatly-cleaned business suit walks down a long hall, opens the white door, and enters a room with a large, crank-operated projector. He turns the crank, then faces the camera and speaks. “I saw many people taking photograph but very few were filming, probably because there were little film materials to be had. But, I made sure I had many sources. At the start, everything was available, there was Kodachrome film even, and my Kodachrome film...the last I had developed in ’42, and they kept their color very well...turned out great.” He then describes at length how the camera works and that it stayed in perfect condition, even in Moscow in the extreme cold. It is sounding as if he is personifying his camera, and attesting to his own physical endurance.

Color images of a swastika flag waving over a barracks transition to young men, firing rifles. Cut to the interviewee in a large leather armchair. Behind him is a bookcase. He now wears glasses. “That is a normal part of learning how to fit in to society.” He says of his basic training. “Naturally, when somebody fell out of line, there were consequences.” The next film shows a bombed-out high-rise building in Poland, the top completely blown off. “...we climbed to the top, got in, and filmed it. It was just interesting at the time. You can’t say: “You must evaluate this morally; as the majority of people say today.”

He explains his departure to Moscow, and not knowing originally where he was going. “Am I going to Persia? Turkey?” He muses, and then reveals that: “Everyone was hopeful that the destination was Moscow.” Color footage of an armored car, bearing a swastika flag, atop which a young man stands. Then, the camera focuses from the window of a jeep, and pans along the wreckage of another car: “The Russians would hide along the roads and try to flip the cars, crack them, or kill the driver,” He smiles, and explains matter-of-factly. “So that that didn’t happen, you spotted a hole, you threw a grenade in, and that took care of it.” “Were you scared of that?” asks the female translator. “No. It could’ve been anybody bombed out there. The jeep here took a direct hit. Well, that’s war.” Black and white footage goes on, showing a pile of dead bodies, and men being thrown into ditches. “Here I was in Moscow, all alone.” He says. “Why did you film the dead bodies?” asks the translator. He becomes a little defensive, and waves his hand as if to dismiss her. “That’s war.”

Toward the end of the interview he says that he has no regrets, only that he never saw the Western front, in wartime too, because “seeing is seeing” and the circumstances don’t matter.

Conclusion:

Mein Krieg: My Private War is about war. Consequently, it also follows the soldiers as they experience different stages of the war. Comradeship, joy, death, and horror. The reactions ranged from abstraction of humans as animals, or returning to a natural state so as to avoid human conscience, to the deconstruction of the animal propaganda to confront human conscience. Soldiers were represented as instruments, toys, or as just observing events over which they had no control.

The question must be asked: why then was it filmed? Obviously, all the men experienced death, but most stopped short of expressing any guilt directly, except for the man in Kiev, who joined the Hitler Youth at 14. Responses to death ranged from avoidance of acknowledgment. “I was amazed at how determined these wolves were.”, “Spare me the answer.”, and “That’s war.”

Rather than seeing the horrors of war as they were, they were regarded as interesting, but something you did not judge morally. Accordingly, the more soldiers identified with their enemies as humans, and their actions as humans rather than instruments or animals, feelings of grief and remorse increased. The abstraction of enemies is directly related to, in other words, being a good killer vs. being a good human. As we worry about the dying WWII population, we must not forget the stories of the Germans.

The Allied powers have reveled in the “glory” of its victory over Nazism far too long without considering the consequences of war itself. We think we are invulnerable, because we think we do not need two sides of the story. __________________________________________________________________

* My translation differs from the film version of Mein Krieg: My Private War, in order to preserve both the phenomenological happenings (such as stuttering) and the narrative-analytic continuity. Rather than cutting from story to story, I proceed soldier to soldier with no cut scenes. As such, the information is not presented in the order of the film. It is hoped that I could better represent their stories holistically and thematically in this way.

Bibliography:

Eder, Harriet. Kufer, Thomas. Mein Krieg. BBC Elstree, 1990.

FULL MOVIE - YOUTUBE:

Tron (1982):

Tron (1982):

“A computer hacker is abducted into the digital world and forced to participate in gladiatorial games where his only chance of escape is with the help of a heroic security program.”

Tron is a very interesting movie. It's about computer programmer, Kevin Flynn, who gets zapped into the computer world while programming his game, Space Paranoids. The Master Control from The Dillinger Corporation has grown tired of assimilating corporate data, and wants to add the data of people and nations to itself. So, it abducts Kevin and puts him inside the game room, which is designed like an old gladiatorial arena where deleted programs usually compete for freedom. Kevin is the first human to be zapped inside the computer.

Inside the computer is a very weird and surreal early 3D environment. The programs all wear neon outfits that are blue or red for good or evil. It almost reminds me a little of German Expressionism, in that abstract shapes and colors convey emotion inside a twisted reality. Once inside, Kevin becomes somewhat of a messiah figure. The programs look at the Users like gods. And the Master Control only wants to add to himself.

It tries to punish Kevin by making him compete in the games, but he goes off grid with his allies Tron, RAM, and Yori. Tron outruns some tanks sent after them. Because Kevin worked on the game, he can pilot some of the vehicles meant for other games too. Tron uploads this data to his disk, which all programs have, which they'll need to defeat the Master Control. They come to a pool where they can replenish their data like water after the chase, but RAM dies, or rather, “de-rezzes”.

Before he disappears, Kevin gains control of a glider called a Recognizer, which he can pilot like an arcade game with a joystick. Kevin brings Tron and Yori to an unfinished part of the game, but since he programmed it, he can get through. Meanwhile, Tron and Yori have to get through the control tower guard who resembles the User DuMont to talk to Kevin and join up with him.

They find the real DuMont being tortured by Master Control in a room full of red, tortured programs. Finally, Tron challenges the head slaver Captain Sark to the disk-throwing game, and slices his brain open. It's actually quite a grizzly scene, even in 80s CGI. Flynn challenges the Master Control and helps Tron, as a program, add all his data disk to Master Control, freeing the system. All the lights turn blue, and the programs are free.

Overall, Tron is pretty great. It's a little goofy in its use of computer terminology, but I like the strange operatic feel it all has. If programs were alive, they'd probably see us as messiahs. And I like the gladiatorial story this opens up to the viewer...even if it is a little cheesy, it does raise good points. Does Machine serve Man, or does Man serve Machine? It's high-concept sci-fi.

And in the end, the Machine (Tron and his friends.) is helping us, the Users. (Kevin Flynn.) Meanwhile, the 3D gives it a sort of mesmerizing dream-like quality, so it's never boring to watch. I'd say if you have time, give it a watch. It's free on Disney+!

The Black Cauldron (1985):

The Black Cauldron (1985):

“A young boy and a group of misfit friends embark on a quest to find a dark magic item of ultimate power before a diabolical tyrant can.”

In the land of Prydain, the fate of the world will be decided by a pig keeper! The Black Cauldron is about Taran, a young boy looking after a psychic pig. One day, Taran sees that the pig is acting strangely, and discovers that the evil horned king wants to use the fortune-telling animal to find an artifact that can summon undead warriors. Its name is the Black Cauldron.

Along the way, Taran discovers some friends: Gurgi (a Gollum-like creature who steals things.), a bard (Fflewddur), a fairy, and a princess (Eilonwy), who can use magic. He even finds a magic sword while confronted by the evil king's henchmen. Then, Gurgi bravely throws himself into the Black Cauldron to stop the emerging skeleton army. Later, as part of a bargain with witches, Taran trades the magic sword in order for Gurgi to return to life.

I enjoyed this movie a lot. I might be a bit biased because it reminded me of something like a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, and I like DnD. You've got your standard DnD party (Fighter, Healer, Magic User, Thief.) and they all are on a quest to stop an evil king. I love a good fantasy adventure. Plus, Gurgi really reminded me of Gollum, from Lord of The Rings.

So, I'd recommend this movie if you like both those things. Some neat little additions too, are the voice acting from the late greats Freddie Jones and Nigel Hawthorne! Definitely watch this one on Disney+, if you have time. It's a classic fantasy adventure!

The Rocker (2008):

The Rocker (2008):

“In the 1980s, a drummer is abandoned by his band just before they become rock superstars. Twenty years later, the drummer sees his second chance at stardom arise when he is asked to perform with his teenage nephew's high school rock band.”

Rainn Wilson plays a washed-up rocker who teaches some emo high school kids how to rock. He's kicked out of his band Vesuvius in the past. When they make it big, he gets bitter and resigns himself to an office job. A new success by his old band triggers his bitterness again. But, then he plays with his nephew's high school band at prom, and wants to drum again.

Afterwards, they get noticed on YouTube. But, it's because people are laughing at them. He doesn't care though. It's enough to get them noticed. And then, they start playing big shows again. Gradually, the band's success goes to their heads. The lead singer Curtis kicks out Fish. (Rainn Wilson.)

Meanwhile, Curtis realizes he made a mistake. Even though he was a crazy drummer who changed their looks and lyrics, they see the new drummer as a wet blanket. They invite Fish back and play in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Warming up for his old band.

Fish's old band all became sellouts and speak in faux British accents. The rest of the movie is basically him confronting his old fear of his successful bandmates. It feels like it starts to repeat a little. I recognize their was a period where every 00s teen movie tried to be an 80s movie. It feels a little weird that all that needed to happen was for an emo band to change it's look and sound entirely to hit it big. I know it's about standing up to The Man, but you're better off watching School of Rock for that.

All the movie needed to do was have the kids learn who they really are. But, then it repeats itself for their mentor. The first three acts are ok, even if a little cliché. But, that last act with Rainn Wilson suddenly losing his edge just falls flat. Overall, you can skip this one. Watch School of Rock.

Return to Oz (1985):

Return to Oz (1985):

“Dorothy, saved from a psychiatric experiment by a mysterious girl, is somehow called back to Oz when a vain witch and the Nome King destroy everything that makes the magical land beautiful.”

Return to Oz is some dark and crazy stuff. I almost forgot it was a Disney movie. Back on the farm, Dorothy finds a key to Oz. But, her parents still don't believe she ever went there. So, they commit her to a mental hospital, where she's going to be subjected to electroshock therapy. But, after a storm, she escapes with a friend and a chicken named Billina.

Some of the character design is really wacky and twisted. For example, everyone in Emerald City has been turned to stone, and Wheelers (humanoid punk monsters with wheels for limbs.) dominate the landscape. The Yellow Brick Road is destroyed. The whole movie has a desolate, strange, and uncanny feeling.

Characters Dorothy has as companions are Tik-tok, (a clockwork man.) Billina the chicken, Jack Pumpkinhead, and The Gump, who is a mounted deer head on a flying sofa. Mombi has taken over Oz. She can remove her head, and replace it with any head she takes, which is pretty creepy. On top of Mombi, there's another new enemy. He calls himself The Nome King.

The Nome King is made of stone and hates chickens, for reasons that aren't revealed til later. He claims all the jewels in Oz, so he turned Emerald City to stone. He also likes riddles and games. If Dorothy can pick which objects he turned her friends into, she can leave. But, of course, it isn't that easy. There's always a twist.

Overall, I liked all the weird enemies and companions. I think if I were a kid the movie would've freaked me out. But, I liked the weirdness of it all. Especially Tik-tok and The Nome King. It's rated PG, but that still kind of surprises me. If you're in the mood for a twisted fairytale, give it a watch on Disney+!

The Final Countdown (1980):

The Final Countdown (1980):

“A modern aircraft carrier is thrown back in time to 1941 near Hawaii, just hours before the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.”

An aircraft carrier in 1980 gets caught up in a time storm, and ends up in 1941! With the Japanese about to attack, the crew now faces a conundrum. Do they attack, or let the attack happen to them? Well, first, the systems analyst (Warren Lasky, played by Martin Sheen.) is able to determine through records and radio frequencies that they are in 1941. Plus, Senator Samuel Chapman is also nearby on a yacht, so the time storm reality is confirmed. But, before they know who he is, they rescue him from Japanese planes. He was supposed to die in the attack!

Meanwhile, the Japanese pilot who attacked Chapman's yacht sneaks onboard the carrier and takes hostages, now armed with automatic rifles. Having already changed history, they have no choice but to defend themselves now. They communicate with the pilot in Japanese, and he gets scared and starts shooting. They take him out, and arrange for Chapman to be dropped off back at Pearl Harbor.

Chapman overhears this plan, and refuses to be dropped off. But, in order to preserve history, they tell him he won't be at Pearl Harbor. Chapman takes the helicopter crew hostage. Well, then Chapman's secretary falls in love with Wing Commander Owens, and agrees to be dropped off at a nearby island with him and her dog. Chapman kills himself accidentally by setting off a flare gun. Unknowningly, history is preserved.

But, not before Captain Yelland (Kirk Douglas.) gives the order to attack the Japanese planes, not knowing the course of history has just been saved. This opens the time portal back up, and they arrive back in 1980. Of course, who's waiting for Mr. Lasky back in DC, but Mr. Owens himself, his wife, and a miraculously 40+-year-old dog!

This was a great film. I was a bit surprised to find in buried on Tubi. It kind of reminded me of a very high-concept Star Trek episode or something. I haven't watched a good high-concept time travel sci-fi movie in a while. Definitely check it out if you can! I know I basically spoiled it, but half the fun is watching them figure out history and how they change courses. That's fun even if you know what's coming. Even the film synopsis is a huge spoiler!

Steel Dawn (1987):

Steel Dawn (1987):

“In a post-apocalyptic world, a warrior wandering through the desert comes upon a group of settlers who are being menaced by the leader of a murderous gang who's after the water they control.”

Patrick Swayze plays a nomad passing through looking for food and shelter in an apocalyptic wasteland. He finds a family, and then has to protect them from roving raiders as they make plans to irrigate the town with a freshwater source. It's pretty much sci-fi action Roadhouse (1989), except instead of protecting a bar, he's protecting a post-nuclear war town.

And not only is he pursued by would-be invaders, but also people from his past, as it's hinted at that the nomad used to be a soldier in the last great war. Kasha (his would-be hostess.) makes plans to irrigate the town with her water supply, but this is what brings back trouble from the nomad's past, an assassin named Sho.

Sho has some cool weapons, including swords and a signature knee-dagger. He also refuses to fight Swayze's nomad unfairly. (Which seems very sporting for a hired assassin.) Although I like Patrick Swayze, he constantly holds his sword the wrong way. It just bugged me. Also, he takes a liking to her kid, Jux, and builds a “wind-racer” with him (Sort of a sailed go-kart.) which eventually leads to one of the slowest chase scenes I've ever seen.

All in all, it's not Mad Max or Star Wars, but it is a fun little post-apocalyptic B-movie that's sure trying to be both. Some of the action scenes venture into comedy territory they look so bad. It is hard not to like Patrick Swayze in a rugged family man role though. If you have time, give it a watch on Tubi. But, don't take it too serious, and keep some snacks nearby!

Vicious Lips (1986):

Vicious Lips (1986):

“Sometime in the distant future, a fledgling band gets an opportunity for a breakthrough, if they can make it in time to a faraway planet to perform in a very popular club.”

So, Judy Jetson gets selected to replace a famous rockstar girl, Ace Lucas. She joins the band The Vicious Lips on their way to a big gig at The Radioactive Dream. Really, the whole movie plays like just an 80s music video, or rock opera. They keep setting it up like it'll be more, but it never really is.

They crash on a desert planet. Then, it turns out that there's an escaped ape-like alien on the spaceship. They keep acting like he should be scary and creepy, but then she smokes some “Martian herb”, and ends up on a planet called Passion Inc. where zombies chase her, and ask her if she wants to be a star.

Then, she wakes up, and it's all been a dream. Literally, one of the most cliched endings. The entire second act doesn't matter. They sing their ending number “Lunar Madness” and then roll credits. I feel like I have to go easy on this movie, since it is just a rock opera. They tease a bigger plot, but it's like Thriller. It's a vehicle for music videos.

Some of the sci-fi costumes, and songs are cool. If that's what you want, give it a watch. If you expect a full movie, you'll be disappointed. It's basically some music videos with dramatic interludes. As for me, I was disappointed. I say skip it. You're better off not knowing the 84 minute movie you watched was just a dream. Spoilers. Oh well.

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids (1989):

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids (1989):

"The scientist father of a teenage girl and boy accidentally shrinks his and two other neighborhood teens to the size of insects. Now the teens must fight diminutive dangers as the father searches for them."

So, Wayne Szalinsky has a machine that can shrink objects down to ¼ of an inch tall. Unfortunately, because of a baseball hitting it, it accidentally shrinks his kids and he throws them out with the trash. He can't see them. They're in the yard now, and with their size, it's a journey of over 10 miles.

Much of the fun here is size-related. They hitch a ride on a bee, they're attacked by lawnmowers, a scorpion, and a sprinkler. The most memorable seen for me is them almost being eaten in a bowl of cereal. Meanwhile, the kids have to make do and sleep in a Lego until they can return to normal size and start worrying about normal teen stuff, like a high school dance.

If you have a chance, watch it on Disney+. It's a fun ride. Some of the green screen effects haven't aged well. But, I like it! It's a larger-than-life sci-fi journey. I'm also a fan of practical effects. So, if you are too, I recommend this one. Give it a watch.

Flight of The Navigator (1986):

Flight of The Navigator (1986):

“In 1978, a boy travels 8 years into the future and has an adventure with an intelligent, wisecracking alien ship.”

David chases his brother through the woods in 1978, and wakes up 8 years later. His house is owned by someone else. Time has passed, but he hasn't aged. The scariest thing about this movie is that none of the NASA scientists who later take the kid explain what's going on.

The scientists want to examine all the star charts that the UFO put inside his brain. Meanwhile, no one explains this. He only has like one friend inside NASA, and she can barely explain to him what a music video is. He's never seen one before. After that, the alien voice in his head beckons him back to the UFO to complete his mission.

Once inside the UFO, the Trimaxian alien explains his mission to collect data on other lifeforms in space. The kid is “the navigator”, who must pilot the ship. Along the way, they teach each other how to laugh, dance, and listen to music. David calls the Trimaxian “Max”, and as they become friends and laugh, he sounds more like Pee Wee Herman.

After their adventure together, Max returns the kid to the '70s. As a souvenir, he lets him keep a little alien from its biological zoo. It's a genuinely good movie. If I saw it as a kid, I would've freaked out. But, the freaky parts help you appreciate the fun and wonder that comes later. Check it out if you can.

The Monster Squad (1987):

The Monster Squad (1987):

“A young group of monster fanatics attempt to save their hometown from Count Dracula and his monsters.”

5 kids team up take on 5 classic monsters! As a kid, I thought the funniest scene in this movie was a kid kicking Wolfman in the “nards”. But, now I think my favorite scene is when some kid's dad shows up, and just shoots Dracula's vampire bat form! They spend all that time building up the kids, and the Dad just shoots Dracula!

Now, on to the plot. Van Helsing tried to rid the world of monsters 100 years ago, but the opening crawl says “They blew it.” So, now the monsters are in the 1980s US, wreaking havoc. Luckily, a kid who loves horror movies lives next to a German guy who can read Van Helsing's old book that will banish the monsters.

Some good monsters here. You got Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, The Creature from The Black Lagoon, and The Mummy. The Mummy just unravels once a kid sticks his leg bandage to a stop sign with an arrow. Wolfman is just shot by a kid wearing a leather jacket, and of course Dracula is just shot by the kid's dad. Frankenstein teams up with the kids after befriending the little girl in the squad.

It's the little girl who reads the German magic spell. She's helped by the German guy. (Credited as “Scary German Guy”.) All in all, I liked this movie, and it was a pretty fun way to end spooky season. There's a lot of jokes that would probably be considered inappropriate for a kid's movie today, including a running gag where they have to ask one of the squad girls if she's a virgin.

But, if you turn your brain off, and remember it's “PG for the '80s”, it's a good time. I still couldn't help but wonder: If some of the monsters can just be shot, why did they need the magic? Oh, well. I guess that's the funniest part to me. It's free on YouTube. Give it a watch!

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

“Conan! What is best in life?”

“To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.”

This is a classic sword and sorcery flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's village is attacked, and then he becomes a slave, and then an arena fighter. He serves some time in armies, and then he meets a succubus who leads him to find Thulsa Doom, the snake cult leader responsible for his suffering. He finds a sword in a cave, and runs off to find him, and reclaim his kingdom.

Along the way, he meets friends like Valeria The Valkyrie, a wizard, and the archer Subotai. It's a pretty good adventure. Some of the action is pretty surreal. Conan is crucified at one point, and bites a vulture. Thulsa Doom turns into a snake. Good swordfights near the end. It even has some comedy. Like when Conan steals some robes to sneak into the snake cult, or plants his face in a bowl of mush.

Highly recommended for fantasy adventure lovers. Just keep in mind it's not PG-13. Worth a watch though to see Arnold tear through some bad guys before he was Terminator. This also means that when Conan speaks, it's usually a manly growl or an epic line! (See above quote!) Well, what are you waiting for? Go watch it however you can!

Lily C.A.T. (1987):

Lily C.A.T. (1987):

“The expendable crew of a corporate space vessel must stop a murderous shape-shifting alien organism that somehow got on board.”

“The corpses have disappeared, leaving everything - even their underwear – behind!” Dular says, after his crew members have been eaten by an alien virus. I mean, it is a good mystery, but probably ruined by early anime dubbing. All the dialogue sounds so choppy and fast as they struggle to sync their lip movements. Other than that, it's pretty much John Carpenter's The Thing mixed with the futuristic setting of Ridley Scott's Alien.

See, there's a cat brought on board by Nancy. Quickly, everyone around the cat dies, and there are reports of an alien virus getting through the air ducts. What's discovered later is that the virus was carried by the cat because humans are “expendable”. So, the Syncam Corporation (who owns the ship.) is probably just evil. Why else kill an experienced crew with a Computerized Animal-shaped Technological robot? (Cat, get it?)

Anyway, you should probably skip this one. But, but I did find it enjoyable in terms of action. The mystery is given away in the title. The choppy English dubbing is way too distracting, and the plot doesn't actually make much sense, other than they're trying to mix Alien and The Thing. Just enjoy the crew getting picked apart by the alien/C.A.T.

The 1980s were an ambitious time for Japanese anime, especially as it expanded overseas and took on American influences. It is at least enjoyable if you turn your brain off, and accept it as a relic of its own time. There are interesting ideas sci-fi discussed such as cryogenics, relativity, and how the crew only ages 1 year every 20 Earth years. But, these details never pan out to anything, and only a few members survive as it rushes to horrific ending.

ROBOCOP (1987):

ROBOCOP (1987):

“In a dystopic and crime-ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg haunted by submerged memories.”

When officer Alex Murphy gets his limbs blown off by drug dealers, OCP (Omni Consumer Products) rebuilds him in a robotic body. He takes his revenge against the criminals of Delta City a.k.a. Detroit. OCP buys the police force and attempts to persuade the public to let it take over the city. But, something is very wrong about this plan, and Robocop is on the case.

Murphy begins to rediscover his humanity after his righteous rampage, and catchy one-liners. (“Your move, creep.”) He soon discovers the drug dealers might not be all they appear to be, as he accesses more of his OCP directives. His directives are: 1.) Serve The Public Trust, 2.) Protect The Innocent, 3.) Uphold The Law, and a 4th forbidden directive.

Wonderful action, good mystery, and a theme of what it means to be human and use technology. This film is an absolute classic. I'd recommend it to anyone who isn't squeamish. It is ultra-violent. But, I feel like the violence here serves a greater purpose. Definitely give it a watch if you can. It's free on Tubi!

If PG-13 is more your style, check out my post on Robocop 3 here: https://bit.ly/3lULR7c.

War of The God Monsters (1985):

WAR OF THE GOD MONSTERS (1985):

“A young reporter is writing a story about the theories of scientist who believes dinosaurs still exist. When monsters suddenly appear and cause destruction, the doctor and journalist must find a way to save the world.”

A scientist, Dr. Kim, is convinced that prehistoric monsters exist and are coming to punish mankind for their sins. A lot of the film is just a woman reporter showing up at the doctor's house to try to get a look at his research. Then, his daughter has a “dream” that monsters attack, Then, they actually do!

There's some good puppet work here, and a good variety of monsters. There's a triceratops monster that makes monkey noises! A fire-breathing robot dragon with laser claws! A flying chicken-headed godzilla thing! A giant starfish bat! Then, there's a horned monitor lizard, and finally, an Eastern dragon that swims.

In one of the strangest climaxes I've ever seen...the monsters just kind of...go away? They fight, stuff blows up, then the military comes in while the main family hides. The daughter says things like she's sorry, and finally the father says he was correct in his theories. It's not exactly the best writing.

That said, all that makes sense when you find out that this is actually two movies stuck together. It's footage from an original Korean movie, stuck together with scenes from Ultraman. Several shots are reused or flipped around. It's not a bad movie, if you can stomach an hour of a Korean family drama. The second half of the movie, monsters attack and stuff blows up. Watch it on Tubi, if you like B-Movie monster action.

THE KARATE KID (1984):

THE KARATE KID (1984):

“A martial arts master agrees to teach karate to a bullied teenager.”

So, I guess because of the success of Cobra Kai, Netflix re-released The Karate Kid movies. I haven't watched it since I was a youngster...and I'm pretty sure that was a rental. So, I thought...what the heck? Let's see if this holds up. I liked Cobra Kai, and like karate movies.

But, the first thing I noticed about the movie was, it's mostly a family movie. Which is ok, but it means the karate doesn't start until Miyagi defends Daniel. Miyagi's scenes are really good, and his “training” (a.k.a. doing chores.) Daniel for the tournament mostly demonstrates the philosophy of karate vs. punches and kicks. Something which is lost in the Cobra Kai series later, but the show makes fun of anyway.

Johnny Lawrence on the other hand, has good punches and kicks. We don't really see him train with Kreese; Johnny only leads a dojo session once. But we know Cobra Kai's philosophy (“Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!”) and that makes him a bully. He tries to control his girlfriend, and get his gang to beat up Daniel. It's Miyagi who decides the the karate tournament is the best way to win Cobra Kai's respect.

If Daniel wins at the tournament, then he won't have to fight, because he'll have earned respect. So, we enter the tournament. A couple things. Daniel enters the tournament as a black belt, because Miyagi says he is. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't happen today. Second, you have to love the 1980s ending to this movie. Daniel wins after the power ballad. Roll credits.

All in all, it is a great movie. But, I definitely see it differently as an adult than as a kid. Which I guess is the point. It's a family movie. It really made me think about how necessary the sequels were, and the Cobra Kai series. As a kid, I just thought “Wow, karate!” As an adult, I just thought “Wow, Kreese and Miyagi are pretty messed up.”

I mean, sure Johnny's a bully, but he's a kid. He's just acting cool. Kreese is crazy. Miyagi, as kind as he is, has no problem bending rules for Daniel and struggles with implied alcoholism and PTSD. Pat Morita was a great actor, and he really added a lot of heart to this movie, I won't argue that. But it does make me realize how flawed even he was, which is I guess why the Cobra Kai series works.

So, would I recommend watching it? It depends how much you like family movies. It was good to watch with fresh eyes again. But as it is, I think Cobra Kai gives you enough clips to catch up, and is more emotionally complex. Basically, Cobra Kai is for adults, but Karate Kid is great...if you're a kid.

THE TERMINATOR (1984):

THE TERMINATOR (1984):

“A human soldier is sent from 2029 to 1984 to stop an almost indestructible cyborg killing machine, sent from the same year, which has been programmed to execute a young woman whose unborn son is the key to humanity's future salvation.”

The Terminator is one of the greatest sci-fi action films of all time, mostly thanks to Arnold Schwarzenegger as the killer robot. Kyle Reese is sent to protect Sarah Connor from his rampage. And the cyborg doesn't spare anybody. He shoots up punks, anyone named Sarah Connor, cops, and even tracks Sarah down to a hotel where she thinks she can be safe. But, she's not, because the Terminator will never stop until she's gone.

Time travel shenanigans ensue though here. You see, if Kyle Reese wasn't sent back from 2029, then the leader of his resistance wouldn't be born. It doesn't really work out. But, oh well, the action is good. Plus, it gave us the greatest sequel of all time, Terminator 2: Judgment Day. The cyborg comes back to protect John Connor, who will lead the resistance against the robots.

If there's one thing that dates this film, it's not just the robot puppets, it's the fear of machines and computers. I wonder if a film like Terminator would be as effective today. But, Arnold Schwarzenegger makes such a good monster killing machine that it's hard to look away. Definitely watch it, but for the great action scenes. Everything else is kind of stuck in time. But, I like that.

Willow (1988):

WILLOW (1988):

"A young farmer is chosen to undertake a perilous journey in order to protect a special baby from an evil queen."

This 1988 fantasy adventure classic follows a dwarf (Nelwyn) who must take a human (dakini) baby into a dark castle and defeat the evil queen Bavmorda using magic. It's a great adventure story with great special effects and characters. Willow has to learn to have faith in himself to become a great sorcerer. And his companions have to learn to fight for things bigger than themselves.

It is both unusual and familiar at the same time. Familiar in that it's a 1980s Campbellian hero quest, with shades of Tolkien, Conan The Barbarian, and Star Wars. Unusual in that the way they used effects and world-building to show shapeshifting and different monsters and characters, is completely unique and mostly practical.

Yes, it is good vs. evil. Faith vs. doubt. If you're into edgy, this isn't it. Some of the monsters might be scary to kids, but that's about it. It may be a simple hero's journey, but I find fantasy like that very captivating. Plus, Val Kilmer's great. He plays Madmartigan, the warrior. A lot of people remember Val Kilmer as Batman. To me, he's Madmartigan. Anyway, a good fantasy flick with some unique twists. Check it out!

The Dark Crystal (1982):

The Dark Crystal (1982):

"On another planet in the distant past, a Gelfling embarks on a quest to find the missing shard of a magical crystal, and to restore order to his world."

Definitely worth a watch, if you like fantasy-adventure. It has a dark feeling to it, with some weird creature designs. Excellent puppet work from Jim Henson and co.! Plus, the bad guys (Skeksis) are really evil, and suck the souls out of Gelflings. Stakes that high make for a good adventure. Give it a watch!

Mac and Me (1988):

Mac and Me (1988):

"An alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy."

Here is a strange flick! While it's blatantly a McDonalds tie-in with Mac. the alien as a faux-E.T., there's a lot of weirdness going on here. The aliens discover they can drink Coca-Cola through their fingers, and the police shoot at them, further injuring Eric. (The wheelchair-bound boy.)

Then, they go to McDonald's and all dance together! Everything's fine! The day is saved by McDonald's and Coca-Cola! It's free on PlutoTV. It's good for a laugh, but don't expect E.T.!