Pirates! Gold (1993 Sega Genesis):

Pirates! Gold (1993 Sega Genesis):

“The player can play as a pirate, privateer, or a pirate hunter. It features sword fighting, ocean-faring battles, and land battles as its three main arenas of action, connected by role-playing which allows the player to court the favor of local politicos, romance women, and recruit pirates in the local pub.”

-Wikipedia

Pirates! Gold is an amazing game. It's a pirate sim, complete with different ships, towns, treasures, quests, and abilities as you sail the Spanish Main in the 17th century. First you choose your “captain”. This is the player. You can choose what ability you have, you can change your name, (Sidney is the default name.) and your nationality: English, Dutch, Spanish, or French.

Your abilities are fencing, charm, gunnery, or navigation. You only choose one. Fencing makes your sword strength better. Charm lets you get married more easily. Gunnery makes your cannons more effective. Navigation can help you weather storms and not crash on reefs. (And that happens a lot.)

Well, once you've started, you can sail around and attack ships or towns, capturing and plundering, or you can hunt for treasure. You can gain letters of marque to fight on behalf of any of the 4 European nations. So, when you capture enemy ships or towns, you can do so in the name of England, or whoever. This is usually the way I play. It's just too fun.

But, you have to keep your crew happy and well-fed or else they can desert and mutiny. Things that make them happy are like successful attacks or appropriate ship size vs. crew size. (You can capture a large variety of ships, including Galleons, Frigates, Sloops, or Merchant Ships, among others.) Of course, finding treasure makes them happy. You can buy treasure maps at local taverns throughout the Caribbean, sometimes.

Press “C” in sailing mode to check out all your maps, and figure out wherever the heck you are in the Spanish Main. You can also pinpoint places on the Spanish Main map. Often, you'll run into other ships you can choose to engage in combat or sail away. Once in sea combat, you can try to sink enemy ships or capture them. You can also fence the enemy captain by crashing your ship into theirs and boarding.

Other than attacking towns and sinking or capturing ships, you can complete quests too. These include capturing another pirate, getting married, finding lost cities, robbing treasure fleets, finding treasure, or finding each one of the members of your captain's long-lost family. Completing each one of these effects your score at the end when you divide up all your gold. Every game is different.

Some endings are more spectacular than others. If you have a lot of gold, and complete a lot of missions, you can ultimately become a pirate governor or King's Advisor if you do really good. Others include Rich Banker, Rogue, Fleet Admiral or even Beggar or Pauper, if you do really bad. Since I don't do a lot of missions, I usually end up more on the bad side. But, it's more fun to me just to sail around and attack things, rather than figure out where such-and-such lost city is from unmarked maps.

My usually bad final scores aside, Pirates! Gold is an still an amazing game. It looks and sounds great. Frankly, I'm surprised it runs on a Genesis cartridge. If you have access to a virtual Sega Genesis (or Sega Megadrive as the Genesis is known in Europe.), or even a physical cartridge, give it a try today. You won't regret it! I can play this game all day still.

Broforce: Broforce Forever Update (2023):

Broforce: Broforce Forever Update (2023):

“The free update to the world's most patriotic video game is out now! New Bros! New Baddies! New Challenges! Play the entire campaign again. And again.”

Broforce added some new characters earlier last year. Let's talk about them. Broffy the Vampire Slayer is obviously Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her special is holy water which can resurrect her if she dies. It also kills demons. But, since I never got to the levels inside Hell, it's not very useful; she throws wooden stakes instead of shooting. The resurrection aspect is neat.

Seth Brodell is Seth Brondell from The Fly. He vomits acid for his attack. The acid is pretty powerful, and can even kill bigger enemies like the Bruiser in one shot. Plus, he can fly for a little bit with a double-jump. He can use teleportation for his special, which is nice to zip around and clear up challenging spots.

Speaking of challenging, Demolition Bro is another Sylvester Stallone character, from Demolition Man. He throws bombs, but not like the McGyver bro, where it automatically just works. No, you have to attack once to throw the bomb, then attack again to detonate it. Thank goodness he's got a standard melee attack. His special's pretty good though: a bomb that freezes everyone around him.

Bro Gummer is Burt Gummer from Tremors. He's got a big high-powered sniper rifle with a nice kick. Honestly, he feels a little overpowered. His special is sniper mode. It's like Brobrocop's special targeting attack, letting you select and take out several enemies. Except Bro Gummer's is way more powerful.

Next up, we have Xebro, Warrior Princess (Xena: Warrior Princess.) She can attack with a sword like Brolander and Broheart. For her special, she throws her chakram. (Her steel boomerang thingy.) It kills everyone around her and returns to her. Also, as with the Mad Max Bro, you can collect multiples of their special attack items. So that's nice!

Desperabro is obviously Antonio Banderas's character from Desperado. He can make enemies dance, by playing the guitar if you stand still. His melee attack is his guitar. He shoots two shotguns. His special is to call in his buddies with a rocket launcher and a machine gun! He has a lot of ways he can be useful. I think he's my favorite of the new bunch.

Of course, Broforce is still fun to play. There were even some minor changes to classic characters like Bronoversial Soldier (Universal Soldier.) He now shoots rapid shots, and his special has been updated to not only a resurrection ability, but also now his special scares nearby enemies, which is helpful.

Well, I just wanted to talk about the new characters. Definitely, my least favorite of the new bunch is Demolition Bro. Which is unfortunate, because that's a great action movie. Regardless, it's still fun to blow everything up and run-and-gun everywhere. It's Broforce's thing. And that's why I can play Broforce: Forever...forever!

Broforce (2015):

Broforce is a pixelated run-and-gun that is an homage to American action movies. Each hero or "Bro" has their own weapons and special abilities. For example, Rambro (Rambo) can throw grenades, while Brommando (Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando) fires a rocket launcher with a special attack that fires three missiles. My favorite bro is probably the duo pair known as The Boondock Bros (Boondock Saints), because not only do they both have to be killed for you to lose a life, but their special ability is resurrection. That comes in handy because as you progress the game can get really hard.

You start off just blasting terrorists in the jungle, and rescuing Bros. The bro parody names are funny sometimes, but sometimes they don't even try. Bro Hard should be John BroClane for example. But, others are pretty funny like The Brofessional (The Professional) and Brobrocop (Robocop). Honestly, I just like blowing stuff up sometimes. Your goal is to get to the chopper at the end of each level. Except when you just have to kill a boss. Everything around you blows up or is destroyed when you shoot at it. Even that can be pretty fun.

The fun and humor of the game count for a lot. I never did get much farther than the later buzzsaw trap levels. But, the fast pace and ultra-masculine satirical humor of the game is enough to keep me trying. At the end of each level, you have to kill mini-Satan and raise the USA flag for the chopper to come. But, I see that on the last level, Satan turns into his final beast form and throws fireballs that take up the whole screen that you have to run from while shooting at him. Holy cow! Other levels include aliens and underground enemy bases.

You can also design your own levels in the level editor. Mix and match your enemies and power-ups! Create your own obstacles! Screw around and shoot everything. It's a good time.

Ultimately, I think Broforce has enough challenge and fun to make it infinitely replayable. Though some levels are definitely not my favorite, like the Rail Fortress boss. However, once you beat a level, it's always really satisfying to see everything blow up, and hear that victorious heavy metal guitar riff. Try playing Broforce anyway you can. It's a blast whether you're playing solo or with your bros!

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013):

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013):

“Brother/sister duo Hansel and Gretel are professional witch-hunters who help innocent villagers. One day they stumble upon a case that could hold the key to their past.”

Well, the word of the day is anachronism. This movie follows Hansel and Gretel as modern action heroes, who hunt down witches and somehow live in the 19th century fairytale world. One day, they stop the sheriff of Augsburg from executing a woman falsely accused of being a witch. They know because she doesn't look like one. Meanwhile, Hansel and Gretel set about trapping witches with audio recordings, and hunting them down with shotguns and machine guns.

Along the way, they find that one of the head witches, Muriel, has a secret plan to abduct children and become impervious to fire. Fire, in this world, is the only known way to kill a witch. Except when Hansel and Gretel are injured by Muriel's witches, they discover there are good witches who have access to healing and holy water. Including the woman they saved before, Adrianna. Hansel is saved by Adrianna and Gretel is saved by a troll named Edward.

Later, Muriel attacks the town itself to try to sacrifice children, and reveals the truth to Hansel and Gretel. Their mother was a good witch, and they abducted them because eating them would've made them invulnerable to good witch magic. So, Hansel and Gretel meet up with Adrianna, and storm the dark witch castle, armed with blessed machine gun crossbows, miniguns, shotguns, tripwires, and tasers. They attack right before the ritual can be performed, and mow them down with the blessed weapons.

Finally, Edward and Adrianna join the party, and the adventure draws to a close. I would recommend this movie if you have good snacks. It's definitely a popcorn flick, drawing heavily on the action-fairytale trope of the early 2010s like Jack The Giant Slayer, and Snow White and The Huntsman. But, it's free on Prime, so as long as you don't take it too seriously, it's a good time.

ONE PUNCH MAN SEASON 1 (2015):

ONE PUNCH MAN SEASON 1 (2015):

“The story of Saitama, a hero that does it just for fun and can defeat his enemies with a single punch.”

One Punch Man is something I've wanted to talk about for a long time, because it's so good. It's a comedy shonen. Usually, shonen are just about POWER GUYS who want POWER because POWER is good, so they quest to get more POWER. Here, Saitama already has ultimate power and is just doing the hero thing for fun. That's what makes it very fun and relaxing to watch, despite its action-packed shonen backdrop.

Early on in his hero career, he trains so hard he becomes bald. That's his origin. After that, he can knock out enemies with one punch. He even makes some enemies with the heroes from the Hero Association who are jealous of him. These make all the fights in Season 1 hilarious. The villains and other heroes talk a big game, and then it's over in one punch.

But, he doesn't just make enemies. While fighting a giant mosquito lady, Saitama befriends a cyborg Genos, who's training to become a hero. Saitama takes him on as a disciple. Then, One Punch Man takes out the “House of Evolution”, Hammerhead's "Paradiser Gang", and some others like “Speed o' Sound Sonic", who is a ninja. Eventually, Genos convinces Saitama to join the Hero Association, so he can have fans. From there, he passes the physical exam with flying colors while completely forgetting the oral test!

After multiple heroes struggle to take out the “Sea King”, One Punch Man arrives leisurely. After he punches him out, some kids and heroes start to claim that Saitama is a phony, or a job poacher. From there, the anime becomes a weird alien invasion story. Their leader Ouroboros has a heavily armored spaceship, and about 5 “final forms” of armor. Of course, the only thing Saitama really fights is boredom. He just says “Ok.” after Ouroboro's villain monologue. But, he has to break out his “finisher”: Serious Punch!

Even after all that, Saitama finds that most the aliens are good. So, he keeps to his apartment and lets them hang around. The reason I like Season 1 is it tells a pretty chill, self-contained story which is pretty much the opposite of your average self-serious, meandering action shonen. That alone makes it funny. The next seasons are about the arrival of the Hero Hunter villain Garou, and a tournament arc, with the ending teasing the arrival of the Monster Association. These are good, and deliciously self-depreciating, but nothing really compares to that first season.

One Punch Man is always looking for a good fight, but can never find it. Despite this, he's never boasting or talking himself up. He battles boredom, and gets excited for simple things like clearance deals on food. That's pretty much the entire joke. Some people hate that kind of humor, but I loved it. I haven't seen a shonen quite like it. If you've got a chance, definitely watch it. It's one of my favorites, and free on Hulu.

Breathing Fire (1991):

Breathing Fire (1991):

“A Vietnam veteran with two kids leads a bank heist that ends up killing one of his war comrades, leaving him to protect the murdered man’s daughter.”

Never did I think a family comedy/martial arts movie would revolve around plastic pizza. Like, toy pizza. Anyway, some bank robbers put some keys to a vault containing Vietnam War gold inside pieces of plastic pizza. Meanwhile, some kids, Tony and Charlie, are training for a state karate tournament.

Well, Charlie's dad gets murdered by the mob after being mailed toy pizza. So, the kids go to live with their Uncle David. He teaches them martial arts, and they try to impress his murdered brother's daughter. Except wait, weren't they already in a karate tournament? None of the karate should be unfamiliar.

Meanwhile, they get made fun of at a dance club, and some mafia guys attack them, where they learn that Tony's dad was part of that mob, and one of his goons was the bully. Also, the dwarf bartenders attack them. I'm not joking! So, then they go to the bully's house, where he's EATING WITH HIS MOM and beat the snot out of him.

Then, he agrees to call the police on the mob. They find the mob boss Angelo, and beat him up, but then decide it's just easier to give him the toy pizza. But, they beat him up, so...they win? You just made it easier for the bad guys to get the gold. Honestly, it all comes back to a kid calling the police. The karate and the crime drama feel really disconnected. None of the karate scenes actually do anything to advance the plot. Also, don't be fooled by the poster: Bolo Yeung is not the main character.

Look, I know someone wanted to follow that Karate Kid money. But, none of the karate here (While fun to watch.) matters. We know they've already trained, but then Uncle David trains them again anyway. It's like they forget that part, just so that we can have more training scenes! They already won a karate tournament! And the pizza plot is just...strange. Who puts keys in toy pizza? I guess it was supposed to be funny.

Overall, I don't think this movie has good enough action to be a good action movie, or good enough comedy to be a good comedy. The plot makes very little sense, and could've easily been a crime drama instead of forcing it into a Karate Kid-type family movie narrative. Definitely skip this one. You aren't missing much. Unless you like pizza jokes, I guess?

Steel Dawn (1987):

Steel Dawn (1987):

“In a post-apocalyptic world, a warrior wandering through the desert comes upon a group of settlers who are being menaced by the leader of a murderous gang who's after the water they control.”

Patrick Swayze plays a nomad passing through looking for food and shelter in an apocalyptic wasteland. He finds a family, and then has to protect them from roving raiders as they make plans to irrigate the town with a freshwater source. It's pretty much sci-fi action Roadhouse (1989), except instead of protecting a bar, he's protecting a post-nuclear war town.

And not only is he pursued by would-be invaders, but also people from his past, as it's hinted at that the nomad used to be a soldier in the last great war. Kasha (his would-be hostess.) makes plans to irrigate the town with her water supply, but this is what brings back trouble from the nomad's past, an assassin named Sho.

Sho has some cool weapons, including swords and a signature knee-dagger. He also refuses to fight Swayze's nomad unfairly. (Which seems very sporting for a hired assassin.) Although I like Patrick Swayze, he constantly holds his sword the wrong way. It just bugged me. Also, he takes a liking to her kid, Jux, and builds a “wind-racer” with him (Sort of a sailed go-kart.) which eventually leads to one of the slowest chase scenes I've ever seen.

All in all, it's not Mad Max or Star Wars, but it is a fun little post-apocalyptic B-movie that's sure trying to be both. Some of the action scenes venture into comedy territory they look so bad. It is hard not to like Patrick Swayze in a rugged family man role though. If you have time, give it a watch on Tubi. But, don't take it too serious, and keep some snacks nearby!

Drive (2011):

Drive (2011):

“An action drama about a mysterious Hollywood stuntman and mechanic who moonlights as a getaway driver, and finds himself in trouble when he helps out his neighbor.”

Drive is about a stunt driver who secretly works as a getaway driver. However, he wants out, after a job to rob a pawn shop goes south. It threatens a family he cares about, which is the only peace in his life he has. The driving scenes are really calm and highlight the stabs of grotesque violence. It's almost artful in its deliberate mutilation such as headshots, bashed limbs, or heads.

Ryan Gosling does a good job playing a smooth criminal. He never really loses control, especially in the car. The car scenes are oddly peaceful. The most he'll ever be intense is when he's attacking, but other than that, he's collected. The synthwave soundtrack also adds to this serene feel, where you hear nothing but a soothing bassline until the action creeps in.

In the end, it's up to the driver to return his boss's stolen money, and save the people he cares about if he can. There's Shannon, (his stunt driving boss.) his maybe girlfriend Renie, and her son. Meanwhile, the unnamed driver has to fend off a mob boss's goons before he can return the money. If he can even get to him on time.

Speaking of time, if you have time, give this movie a watch. It's entrancing and almost hypnotic to watch. The soundtrack alone makes it a very cool experience. Were it not an action movie, it'd be relaxing. But, the action scenes are very well done too, they are very heavy, and give a sense of relief when the calm bits drag...then, it's full-throttle!

Green Snake a.k.a. White Snake 2: The Tribulations of Green Snake (2021):

Green Snake a.k.a. White Snake 2: The Tribulations of Green Snake (2021):

“Verta the green snake-demon must find a way to escape from the modern Asuraville of mortals, in order to rescue her elder sister Blanca the White Snake from the demon-slaying monk Fahai.”

“Green Snake” as it was released in America on Netflix, is in fact a sequel to the animated “White Snake” (2019) movie from China. Let's treat it as it's own movie though. After a fight with the monk Fahai, White Snake is sucked into a kind of Buddhist purgatory. Green Snake goes after her. There, she finds that she's no longer in Tang dynasty China, but an amalgam of the modern world and spirit world called Asuraville.

She meets up with Simon and his party, who are hunting down demons led by Mr. Ox. They want to conquer Asuraville, whereas the others just want to return. Old Fox, a spirit with a fox on one side of her head acts as a guide, and explains how to leave Asuraville, by dropping their “tokens of desire” into a pool. Meanwhile, Green Snake might actually have met White Snake (Blanca), reincarnated as a man who's name is never revealed anyway.

Then, when they all gather their tokens, they battle with Mr. Ox again. He finally agrees to leave with them after removing the no-name man's face, for some reason. Then, they battle Fahai again. Green Snake is defeated over and over actually, but ends up in the modern world when she beats Fahai. Green Snake is confused. So was I.

I don't know that I liked this movie. I didn't hate it, but it had way too many side-quests. First it's about Fahai, then find Green Snake, fight demons, then find Green Snake again...it goes on for about 30 mins too long. Plus, I don't like that the action stops just so they can explain the tokens of desire midway through. By the time they got to the 2nd Fahai encounter, I was lost as to what the main story was. Was it to find White Snake, defeat the demons, or get home? Hadn't she done all that before anyway?

I don't really recommend this movie. The animation and battle scenes are good. But, there are just way too many subplots that divert the main story. Maybe it would've made more sense if it weren't presented as a standalone movie. But, in its present form on US Netflix, I have to say skip this one.

Robocop 2 (1990):

Robocop 2 (1990):

“RoboCop returns to protect the citizens of old Detroit but faces a deadly challenge when a rogue OCP member secretly creates a new, evil RoboCop 2.”

A new drug called Nuke is in the city, and Robocop has to take out the cult distributing it. The drug dealer turns out to be a kid, and he can't shoot him. When Robocop finally does track down the cult, he's dismembered and out-gunned. This leads to some silly scenes where they re-program Robocop to not be violent (Still not safe for kids!), police bad language, and smoking.

It's a pretty funny Robocop. A good mix of action-comedy. Meanwhile, scientists are creating a new Robocop program: Robocop 2. Unfortunately, the candidates are psychos and murders, not good citizens like Officer Alex Murphy. There's even a lot of debate over if he's company property, or an officer.

This is just good satire and action movie fun. Robocop unites the cops finally, but it's his human side that wins out. He's not just a company machine, and he has free will. It's a pretty fun watch, and ends with a pretty good shootout between Robocop and Robocop 2. Give it a watch, if you have time!

Read my review of Robocop 1 here: https://bit.ly/3A4alSn

Read my review of Robocop 3 here: https://bit.ly/3lULR7c

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021):

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021):

“With Spider-Man's identity now revealed, Peter asks Doctor Strange for help. When a spell goes wrong, dangerous foes from other worlds start to appear, forcing Peter to discover what it truly means to be Spider-Man.”

This one will probably have spoilers. I'm sorry. After being accused of killing Mysterio, Peter Parker wants the world to forget he's Spider-Man. So, he goes to Dr. Strange. Dr. Strange uses a spell that pulls from across the multiverse. Except Peter Parker keeps wanting to change it so that certain people remember him.

Doctor Strange warns him not to do that, because the spell will affect everyone. Anyway, they fight and Spider-Man wins. But, as a consequence, he pulls in every villain across every Spider-Man movie since 2002, starting with Doctor Octopus. Their fight is pretty good, except in the end, he doesn't remember who he is. Same with Green Goblin, Sandman, Electro, and Lizardman.

Each villain is fated to die by fighting Spider-Man. But, this Peter Parker wants to prove he's not a killer, so he tries to cure them in the wizard's dungeon. He accidentally gives each villain advanced technology after attempting to cure Doc Ock. Half the fun of the movie is seeing all the cameos, and the in-universe characters trade in-universe knowledge of Spider-Man.

The film deals with themes of redemption and fate. Can villains change for good? Which, for the most part, is no. But, I won't say anymore than that. Comic book movies have to keep getting made. Overall, a good movie! Funny in parts, especially when everyone is sharing what they know and don't know. Go see it, but you don't need me to tell you that!

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth (1991):

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth (1991):

“6 years after a time cop returns home from battling future alien zombies, his settled life is turned upside down when a mad scientists creates more.”

Dr. Wardo is creating more “trancers”. (Psychically-controlled alien drug zombies.) Trancers is basically Blade Runner with zombie movie twist. Jack Deth returns to the 20th century investigating why trancers still exist after his first mission. (See here.) He discovers that his wife is alive, but she'll die when they go back to the 23rd century.

Meanwhile, he's living in the 1990s as a married man already, to make things more complicated. They explain again that some technology from the 23rd century allows for stuff to be time-travelled through as long as you've got ancestors “down the line”. In his case, Jack Deth befriended an old drunk baseball player, his ancestor, Hap Ashby. Deth's former police chief inhabits the body of a 15-year-old girl.

They find out that Dr. Wardo is brainwashing mental patients, and addicting them to a futuristic drug, SKROB78. Wardo is building a “trancer farm” just like Whistler, from the first mission. He does it with the help of the Green World cult, and hypnosis. All the while, Jack must save the people, take out Wardo, and possibly his own future wife. There's a good mix of comedy, horror, and action here for a B-Movie. I say check it out!

JUDGE DREDD (1995):

JUDGE DREDD (1995):

“In a dystopian future, Joseph Dredd, the most famous Judge (a police officer with instant field judiciary powers), is convicted for a crime he did not commit and must face his murderous counterpart.”

I totally forgot Rob Schneider was in this as a geeky hacker. Anyway, in the future, people live in oppressive cramped Mega Cities ruled by ruthless law enforcement called “Judges”. After stopping a “block war” in an exciting opening scene that shows off Dredd's “multi-purpose ammunition” (missiles, rapid fire, flare gun, grenade etc.) the movie slows to a crawl as Dredd is accused of a crime using DNA evidence.

Later, Rob Schneider's character and Dredd get shot down in a prison plane. They're kidnapped by cannibal cyborg yokels. This is just good action movie fun. After that, they escape and one of the Judges that sentenced Dredd tells him he's a clone. And also he has a brother, who was his ex-partner. He's also got a reprogrammed war robot. Pretty cool.

Dredd's psychotic clone/brother Rico (who looks nothing like Dredd.) plotted a revolution against the Judges, so he sentenced him. Now, Rico is trying to start a new generation of Judges that obey him, and his DNA (except it's also Dredd's...so how's that work?) If you can turn your brain off, it's a good pew-pew action movie.

Honestly, some of the technobabble hasn't aged well. Dredd gets most things to work by hitting them. Also, I just don't see how Rico's plan was bad, since they established that Judges are ruthless and corrupt. Don't think too hard on it, and it's fun. You just can't help but giggle when Judge Dredd shouts about the “LAW!” Overall, I'd say watch it with some snacks, don't expect it to make sense, and you'll have a good time.

RED NOTICE (2021):

RED NOTICE (2021):

"An Interpol agent tracks the world's most wanted art thief."

Red Notice is free on Netflix, so I figured why not? It's a pretty good action-heist flick. There's a police officer John Hartley (Dwayne Johnson), a conman Nolan Booth (Ryan Reynolds) and a thief called The Bishop. (Gal Gadot). Each one is trying to get the golden eggs of Cleopatra. Pretty formulaic structure here though.

John Hartley is trying to catch The Bishop and sets up the action scenes. Gal Gadot comes in and sets up the sexy/heist scenes. She's always one step ahead. Ryan Reynolds is comic relief who makes fun of Dwayne Johnson's character as he's fooled through Russia, Spain, Egypt, and other exotic locales. He really enjoys seeing Agent Hartley in a bind, and makes it harder for him at every turn.

It's not a bad movie, it's just a little formulaic. Ryan Reynolds is in full wise-cracking mode. You want Gal Gadot? Well, you get Gal Gadot: Sweet talk, and krav maga. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is as game as ever to bonk some heads, and not afraid to laugh at himself. Plus, there's a few surprises in store. If you can stomach the setups, watch this one...there's a couple big twists. No spoilers!

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

“In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, a woman rebels against a tyrannical ruler in search for her homeland with the aid of a group of female prisoners, a psychotic worshiper, and a drifter named Max.”

Well, technically this is Mad Max 4. I love the Mad Max series. The Earth has been blown to a wasteland, and people have to overcome punks and warlords to survive. Honestly, this one isn't much different. Max has been captured by Immortan Joe's War Boys, and is being used as a “Blood Bag” strapped to the hood of a war car.

He's saved by Imperator Furiosa and her gang of warrior women. They're headed to a mythical “Green place” where the Earth can still grow. Furiosa and Max never really get along. But, that's just the world. Survival is everything, and they're all fighting not to be slaves.

Along the way they're pursued by Immortan Joe's commanders. The Bullet Farmer, The Doof Wagon, and of course the War Boys. They have their own car-based religion, and everything is based on the resources that Immortan Joe controls.

The car battles and chases are top-notch. Really, there's no point where this movie slows down. Everything is so strange and gruesome to look at, it really catches the eye. Whether it's the mask on Mad Max's face, or the flamethrower-guitar player on the Doof Wagon, or Furiosa's amputated arm, there's always amazing visuals, weapons, and stunts.

I'd recommend watching this one any way you can. It's high-speed, no mercy action! Mad Max is a good guy, but more in the anti-hero sense. Furiosa is the same, and gives it right back to Max (She calls him “Fool”.) But, they are still united in this adrenaline-driven war car world by their own need to fight for their freedom. If you wanna get the blood pumping, give it a watch!

Promising Young Woman (2020):

Promising Young Woman (2020):

“A young woman, traumatized by a tragic event in her past, seeks out vengeance against those who crossed her path.”

This is a pretty good revenge flick! What an emotional roller coaster. Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, a barista/hitwoman who spends her time killing scumbag guys who try to take advantage of drunk women. Her best friend was abused and killed at a drinking party. One day, while working at her coffee shop, she meets Ryan, who's a friend of Al Munroe, the guy that killed her friend Nina. She starts what appears to be a cutesy journal, but it's a hit-list of the people she needs to take down to get revenge.

Meanwhile, Cassie goes on a few dates with Ryan. She begins falling for him right as she's on the trail of Al's friend Madison. After trapping her with a drunk guy and giving him her hotel key, she finds out the party Al will be at for his wedding, and moves to strike. But, it turns out that Ryan has a disturbing old video on his phone that might be further evidence, and endanger their relationship.

This movie has a lot of twists and good action. But, it's also really funny. The humor is ironic, and it's a really deep mystery until the end. Because it's recent, I won't give spoilers. Each one of the deaths is satisfying, even when unexpected. A few people reform after meeting Cassie, but the ones that try to get away, you don't feel sorry for.

It's on HBO. If you have time, I recommend it. It's a well-paced revenge comedy with a few dark laughs thrown in. Each victim is fun to watch. Cassie's signature move is to act drunk, and then spring on the victim. So, that's always fun to watch. Yeah, if you have time, give it a watch. It's got plenty of surprises.

The Monster Squad (1987):

The Monster Squad (1987):

“A young group of monster fanatics attempt to save their hometown from Count Dracula and his monsters.”

5 kids team up take on 5 classic monsters! As a kid, I thought the funniest scene in this movie was a kid kicking Wolfman in the “nards”. But, now I think my favorite scene is when some kid's dad shows up, and just shoots Dracula's vampire bat form! They spend all that time building up the kids, and the Dad just shoots Dracula!

Now, on to the plot. Van Helsing tried to rid the world of monsters 100 years ago, but the opening crawl says “They blew it.” So, now the monsters are in the 1980s US, wreaking havoc. Luckily, a kid who loves horror movies lives next to a German guy who can read Van Helsing's old book that will banish the monsters.

Some good monsters here. You got Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman, The Creature from The Black Lagoon, and The Mummy. The Mummy just unravels once a kid sticks his leg bandage to a stop sign with an arrow. Wolfman is just shot by a kid wearing a leather jacket, and of course Dracula is just shot by the kid's dad. Frankenstein teams up with the kids after befriending the little girl in the squad.

It's the little girl who reads the German magic spell. She's helped by the German guy. (Credited as “Scary German Guy”.) All in all, I liked this movie, and it was a pretty fun way to end spooky season. There's a lot of jokes that would probably be considered inappropriate for a kid's movie today, including a running gag where they have to ask one of the squad girls if she's a virgin.

But, if you turn your brain off, and remember it's “PG for the '80s”, it's a good time. I still couldn't help but wonder: If some of the monsters can just be shot, why did they need the magic? Oh, well. I guess that's the funniest part to me. It's free on YouTube. Give it a watch!

Lucy (2014):

Lucy (2014):

“A woman, accidentally caught in a dark deal, turns the tables on her captors and transforms into a merciless warrior evolved beyond human logic.”

I've wanted to talk about this movie for a long time. It's very good, even if its thesis rests on the 10% brain myth. That's just an excuse to give Lucy superpowers, have her talk about evolution, and philosophy. It's a very French action film, in that it introduces meaning-of-life-questions into a shoot-em-up. But, let's get to talking about it.

Average Lucy is going about her day as a tourist when she's kidnapped by Chinese gangsters and forced to ingest CPH4, a new drug. Meanwhile, Morgan Freeman plays Dr. Norman, who's giving a speech on evolution and the brain. While Lucy is expanding her brain, she finds that she can move objects, and heroically escapes her kidnappers, and gets to a hospital.

She can understand Chinese now, which isn't how the brain works at all, but, sci-fi. Turns out that while the drug is enhancing her body, it's also killing it, and evolving beyond the need for a body. All this is while the mafia and European authorities are after her. It's a race against time as Lucy guns down criminals and stops the authorities with her mind. Then, she has to fly to Paris, and meet Dr. Norman in 12 hours.

On the plane, she starts to transcend her physical body, and become little swirling, morphing bits, but with her powers, she remains corporeal. Once in Paris, she unlocks her final abilities, and builds a supercomputer to record her knowledge. Her last superpower is time travel, as time is the only thing connecting her to physical matter.

There's a lot to digest here in 89 minutes. we have time travel, psychic abilities, and even some evolutionary psychology, all wrapped in a fast-paced action movie. Scarlett Johansson's steely-eyed femme fatale presence does most of the dramatic heavy lifting as she evolves from ditzy tourist to omniscient god, and so does Morgan Freeman's authoritative voice.

I highly recommend this film. It's not really science, but it's great sci-fi action. It gives you some philosophy to think about, while also having stylish action. Watch it anyway you can! You at least won't be able to look away, since everything happens so fast.

VIRTUOSITY (1995):

VIRTUOSITY (1995):

“When a virtual reality simulation created using the personalities of multiple serial killers manages to escape into the real world, an ex-cop is tasked with stopping its reign of terror.”

Virtuosity is free on YouTube for now, so I figured, what the heck? Might as well watch it. I'd like to mention a few things for wider cultural context first. I think in scifi (ostensibly what this blog is about, along with cultural issues.) you have more leeway with what can look dated, because it's more about imagination. That said, it's a very good cyberpunk crime thriller.

Denzel Washington plays Parker Barnes, the only cop who's gotten close to taking down Sid 6.7, an amalgam program of the worst killers, meant to train cops. One day, Sid tells his programmer that he wants out. The programmer tricks another researcher into constructing him an android body, and bringing the villain to life.

Now, Parker chases him through pretty much a landscape of 90s media culture. A techno club (where Sid takes hostages.), a store, a UFC ring, and a TV station. During the chase and shootout, we learn that one of Sid's personalities is the terrorist Michael Grimes, who killed his wife and daughter. Using this, Barnes tracks him down to the TV station.

Sid constructs a “Death TV” game show and takes hostages. Barnes realizes since Sid is a VR training program, he only enjoys playing the game with his favorite opponent. So, he accepts his showdown challenge. Meanwhile, a programmer's daughter is being held hostage with a bomb, just like when his wife and daughter were killed.

After Sid and Barnes fight, the policeman takes out Sid's program, and makes him believe he actually won, sticking him back inside VR. He diffuses the bomb. Cops run over Sid's program with a car. One thing I will say is, I like how the programs look. They're like little orbs. Both Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington add an air of drama to the action.

That is to say, I enjoyed the performances by both Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. Denzel is usually always a good action hero. Russell Crowe is intense and wacky in this early role. Lastly, I think its amazing what they could do with 90s CGI; essentially screensaver graphics. It's cool to imagine a world where VR and digital technology could immediately become physical.

I'd recommend the movie because it explores cool scifi ideas, stars two talented actors, and is free on YouTube. I can see influences of William Gibson and the Neuromancer trilogy in the writing. (I don't think Idoru was written yet, but it dealt heavily with VR. Seriously, check out those books.) In the end, I think it was an awesome crime movie from a time when we didn't yet know what the Internet would become. Check it out.

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008):

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008):

“Frank Castle, known as the Punisher, ruthlessly demolishes organized crime, but it starts an even bigger war.”

Punisher goes against Jigsaw after he kills his don. Jigsaw was Billy The Beaut, and after Punisher shot up the place, his face ended up in a glass grinder and he becomes Jigsaw. He recruits his old criminal buddies, including “Loony Bin Jim” to take down Punisher. Meanwhile, Frank Castle himself expands his weaponry, finds more friends (Micro and Carlos.), and finds a family to protect.

I dunno. The gunfights were pretty good. Especially in the beginning. It won an award for best stunts in 2010! It's just that in terms of comic book movies, almost anything Batman pre-Dark Knight trilogy looks prehistoric. The whole plot point of Jigsaw being granted immunity because he has information on a terrorist attack seemed a little dated. It is nice though, to see lower stakes in a comic book movie after years of interconnected plots and cosmic enemies.

I will say for as gritty as this was, it wasn't without a sense of humor. Jigsaw in particular looks like he's having a blast. He sort of reminds me of Jack Nicholson Joker. A little more loud and goofy than modern villains. He'll get right up in your face and laugh at the good guys. Although, Punisher being the character he is, he's just sort of unmoved, and just stoically shoots, especially when he blows up the parkour gang boss with a rocket launcher...he's not impressed.

Overall, I'd say the movie was ok, but it reminds me of just a basic mob movie. If you removed the Marvel Comics element, it'd be indistinguishable from any action movie of the decade. Iron Man was just getting into gear though, so you can't really blame it at this time. Things like parkour and Homeland Security immunity unfortunately date it instantly. I'd say skip it, unless you're already a Punisher fan.