“Santa's sleigh is stuck in the sand on a Florida beach only days before Christmas Eve. A group of children try to help.”
Tell me something. When you watch a movie called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, do you expect to see Jack and The Beanstalk? No? Well, then, skip this movie, because that's what it is. Oh, sure. There's a good 20 mins of Santa getting stuck in Florida. But then, it's Jack and The Beanstalk for an hour, and then they wrap up with The Ice Cream Bunny saving Santa on a firetruck. What, is he gonna drive Santa to the airport?
Santa psychically calls for some children to help him. But, they all fail because they can't push the animals up to Santa's sleigh. Fearing the children are disheartened, Santa tells them all the story of Jack And The Beanstalk. Honestly, it's pretty basic stuff, with some musicals thrown in. If you were expecting a weird Christmas movie like I was, you'll be disappointed.
All the children sing terribly off-key even when dubbed over. Worse yet, they still include noises like Santa's workshop, and firetruck sirens over the kids' singing. The only good singer is the giant. He sings “Fee Fie Fo Fum” like an old opera singer. But then, the warbly low-budget 1970s audio ruins his spoken dialogue, which he always shouts at the top of his lungs. I get it, he's a giant, but spare me the microphone feedback.
In conclusion, skip this movie. Even if you just want a weird Christmas musical, this isn't it. It's Jack and The Beanstalk pretending to be a Christmas movie. It's like someone had a neat bunny costume, and wanted to put it in a movie, so they just crammed it into another movie. It's not even particularly weird. Just disappointing. It's free on Tubi, if you dare.
“Hibiki plummets into the sea but is saved by a girl with mysterious powers.”
Hibiki belongs to a parkour team in post-apocalyptic Tokyo after Tokyo becomes filled with bubbles and cut off from the rest of the world. His team is called the Blue Blazes, or BB. They battle other teams like the Under Takers, or The Mad Lobsters in this Capture The Flag parkour sport. One day, Hibiki falls into the ocean water while playing, and swears he sees a mermaid.
This mermaid is actually a feral girl who he names Uta, with a strange secret. She acts like a cat, and has a strange attraction to vortex patterns and The Little Mermaid fairytale. Stranger still, when she hums a tune, the bubbles react to her harmony. Later, she joins the parkour team and helps them defeat a technologically advanced team, The Under Takers, by using the bubbles as stepping stones.
The Under Takers want revenge, and so kidnap Makoto, one of the team members, and challenge BB to a death match. Just then, Uta starts to come apart literally. She's made of bubbles! The team and the morticians have to come find her as the world around them is ripped apart by a vortex of angry bubbles. And soon, Hibiki discovers Uta dissolving into seafoam, just like the mermaid in the story.
Bubble is a very peculiar anime. On one hand, it's a sports drama in post-apocalyptic Tokyo. On the other it's a romantic fairytale bursting at the seams with poetry about the transitory nature of existence, and how all things return back to their source: stars, water, plants, bodies, seashells. The vortex pattern is everywhere.
In particular, I liked that Bubble had good disability representation. Hibiki is shown as having some form of audio sensitivity. But, despite this, he can hear the song of the bubbles. In addition, his friend and mentor Shin has a prosthetic leg, which plays further into the theme of the body as transitory. But, does it add up to anything? Well, I suppose it depends if you like romance. If you do, I recommend this one. For me, personally, I say give it a watch on Netflix. If not for romance, then sci-fi sports action!
"While Team RWBY studies to become the greatest Huntresses the world of Remnant has ever known, they are faced with a horrifying threat."
Weiss gets possessed by a nightmare Grimm that threatens her dreamworld. After recapping little bits of RWBY Vol.1-2, the story then shifts to Team RWBY trying to save Weiss from this Grimm. It's good to see RWBY finally in anime form, but I don't think it covers enough new ground. It answers the question of why Weiss suddenly gets along with the rest of her team. I like some of the new clothes.
Overall, Ice Queendom is just OK. Basically, Team RWBY was defeated by Nightmare Weiss, and they figured out their dream versions can't defeat her, so they have to figure out what she wants and enter the dream again. They're bringing Team JNPR this time. I don't know how I feel about it. Like, obviously, 90% of animes are about power vs. friendship, and I'll always love the setup of RWBY, but 1.) I kinda feel like I've seen this all before, 2.) even if you're a new RWBY fan, it doesn't work without knowledge of the main series.
I don't feel like they created enough new stuff. And the dream world thing is such a cowardly way to say "We're not sure if this is canon yet." It's literally the "It was all a dream" trope. Good to see the RWBY gang as always, but not enough new. I suppose it's just as well, since RWBY started as a Final Fantasy 8 ripoff...which is fine by me. But, enough was different that the characters became their own. Ice Queendom is stuck somewhere in the middle.
It's ok for what it is, which is a recap of the main series for Japanese audiences without committing to canon. The visuals are pretty good. If you have good snacks, you can enjoy it. But, I can't help but feel I've seen it before. If you haven't, watch it. If you have, you can probably skip it. But, it does add nice little details to the beginning of the main series.
“Dorothy, saved from a psychiatric experiment by a mysterious girl, is somehow called back to Oz
when a vain witch and the Nome King destroy everything that makes the magical land beautiful.”
Return to Oz is some dark and crazy stuff. I almost forgot it was a Disney movie. Back on the farm, Dorothy finds a key to Oz. But, her parents still don't believe she ever went there. So, they commit her to a mental hospital, where she's going to be subjected to electroshock therapy. But, after a storm, she escapes with a friend and a chicken named Billina.
Some of the character design is really wacky and twisted. For example, everyone in Emerald City has been turned to stone, and Wheelers (humanoid punk monsters with wheels for limbs.) dominate the landscape. The Yellow Brick Road is destroyed. The whole movie has a desolate, strange, and uncanny feeling.
Characters Dorothy has as companions are Tik-tok, (a clockwork man.) Billina the chicken, Jack Pumpkinhead, and The Gump, who is a mounted deer head on a flying sofa. Mombi has taken over Oz. She can remove her head, and replace it with any head she takes, which is pretty creepy. On top of Mombi, there's another new enemy. He calls himself The Nome King.
The Nome King is made of stone and hates chickens, for reasons that aren't revealed til later. He claims all the jewels in Oz, so he turned Emerald City to stone. He also likes riddles and games. If Dorothy can pick which objects he turned her friends into, she can leave. But, of course, it isn't that easy. There's always a twist.
Overall, I liked all the weird enemies and companions. I think if I were a kid the movie would've freaked me out. But, I liked the weirdness of it all. Especially Tik-tok and The Nome King. It's rated PG, but that still kind of surprises me. If you're in the mood for a twisted fairytale, give it a watch on Disney+!
Green Snake a.k.a. White Snake 2: The Tribulations of Green Snake (2021):
“Verta the green snake-demon must find a way to escape from the modern Asuraville of mortals, in order to rescue her elder sister Blanca the White Snake from the demon-slaying monk Fahai.”
“Green Snake” as it was released in America on Netflix, is in fact a sequel to the animated “White Snake” (2019) movie from China. Let's treat it as it's own movie though. After a fight with the monk Fahai, White Snake is sucked into a kind of Buddhist purgatory. Green Snake goes after her. There, she finds that she's no longer in Tang dynasty China, but an amalgam of the modern world and spirit world called Asuraville.
She meets up with Simon and his party, who are hunting down demons led by Mr. Ox. They want to conquer Asuraville, whereas the others just want to return. Old Fox, a spirit with a fox on one side of her head acts as a guide, and explains how to leave Asuraville, by dropping their “tokens of desire” into a pool. Meanwhile, Green Snake might actually have met White Snake (Blanca), reincarnated as a man who's name is never revealed anyway.
Then, when they all gather their tokens, they battle with Mr. Ox again. He finally agrees to leave with them after removing the no-name man's face, for some reason. Then, they battle Fahai again. Green Snake is defeated over and over actually, but ends up in the modern world when she beats Fahai. Green Snake is confused. So was I.
I don't know that I liked this movie. I didn't hate it, but it had way too many side-quests. First it's about Fahai, then find Green Snake, fight demons, then find Green Snake again...it goes on for about 30 mins too long. Plus, I don't like that the action stops just so they can explain the tokens of desire midway through. By the time they got to the 2nd Fahai encounter, I was lost as to what the main story was. Was it to find White Snake, defeat the demons, or get home? Hadn't she done all that before anyway?
I don't really recommend this movie. The animation and battle scenes are good. But, there are just way too many subplots that divert the main story. Maybe it would've made more sense if it weren't presented as a standalone movie. But, in its present form on US Netflix, I have to say skip this one.
“Early 1700: Cartographer Jonathan Green (Jason Flemyng) from Viy (2014) is back to map the Russian Far East. He's forced on to China, where he confronts the Dragon Master et al. The iron masked Russian Czar escapes the Tower of London to a Russian ship.”
So, there's basically two films going on here. One is a basic supernatural wushu (historical Chinese fairytale.) and the other is the action movie between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan that American audiences were sold. Well, they fight for five minutes. They aren't even the main characters.
In this world, tea is actually the healing tears of a mystical dragon. An evil witch kidnaps and replaces the Russian czar with an imposter, while Johnathan Green is trying to map China. Are you following? Good. Of all people, Arnold plays a British guard. There are some funny moments, but ultimately it pivots to being just another wushu film, with some line about how the lead actress is Jackie Chan's daughter, the rightful empress who has to fight the witch, and reclaim the throne.
By itself, it's an alright movie. I just feel it's a bit bait-and-switch. It feels like two movies. Arnold and Jackie come back to end the film. Jackie explains to Arnold that the dragon is everywhere. Usually, I like wushu films for their effects. But, I think here they just ran out of money to show the dragon again. I would recommend this film. But, just bear in mind, it's a little convoluted.
“If you find yourself troubled by something mysterious or a problem that's had to solve, there's a place you can go where you always find help. You just need to look for it.”
- The Baron
What if I told you that Anne Hathaway was actually a catgirl before she became Catwoman? In The Cat Returns, Hathaway plays a schoolgirl named Haru, who is whisked away to The Cat Kingdom after she saves a cat who is actually The Cat Prince. Stan Girl gets lost in magical king while she’s in the Cat Kingdom, she finds out she’s becoming a cat, and is set to marry The Cat Prince!
There’s sort of a Standard Studio Ghibli plot. Girl gets lost in magical kingdom then reclaims her identity (Like Spirited Away, with cats!), and comes back to the real world. I have to say though, it’s beautiful, and the human-like cats make me laugh! I dunno, maybe I just like to laugh at really fat cats. Either way, it is magical, and a beauty to behold!
You see, like most Studio Ghibli films, the character designs and animation are where this film really shines. She is guided to the Cat Kingdom by a charming top-hatted cat from The Cat Bureau, The Baron (AKA: Baron Humpert von Gikkingen, played by Cary Elwes.) A statuette of a raven by the name of Toto also assists her, as well as a fat cat Muta. All the cats start walking in the cat world. But, as soon as she enters the cat world, the fat, mustachioed Cat King seems determined to marry her to The Prince. Let the cat chase begin!
In addition to being a wild cat chase, Haru has to escape from The Cat King and stop transforming into a cat. So, it’s kind of like Kafka mixed with LOLcats, visually inspired by Alice in Wonderland! It’s great fun, has fantastic designs, and even swordfights! Talk about adventure! All to stop being chased by cats! And just when she thought she was having fun!
There’s a good lesson here. Sometimes imagination is good, but if it runs wild, it can become scary! What starts off as a playful romp through the Cat Kingdom twists into Haru almost becoming a cat! But, as The Baron says, you can always ask for help! A fun movie, with plenty of surprises and enough eye candy to satisfy even the grumpiest of cats! (Or people!) If you have time, and like fantasy and anime, definitely give this one a watch!
Anyway, I’ll give it 4/5, but maybe I’m just really soft on Studio Ghibli! They have a way of infusing even the characters mundane life with such life and detail, that I was drawn in immediately! Of course, Haru’s mundane school life serves to highlight the strangeness of seeing walking-talking cats! And puts you in her shoes, confused amid a fantastical world full of cat-astrophe! Okay, I couldn’t resist! Great comedy, good story, great animation… it’s nearly purrfect! (Last cat joke, I promise!) Highly recommended!
White Snake: “Before I saw you I meditated for a thousand years, but those thousand years are worth less than a moment with you.”
The Sorcerer And The White Snake (2013) Review:
Since I started this blog, it’s taken on a much more international flavor. I like it. So, today’s review comes from a movie done in Hong Kong in Mandarin. A demon falls in love with a human and wants to meet him and make his life better. Jet Li plays a martial arts-type Buddha Monk who tells her that such love is forbidden because they are from different realms. And Jet Li means business. In the opening scene he fights and traps an ice harpy for seducing people.
But, these demons aren’t all like demons we find so often in Western culture who are inherently evil and seduce people. White Snake is more like Cinderella. She just can’t let her love see her as she truly is, which is a giant white snake. Her love is the herbalist Xu Xian, and she makes his medicine far more powerful. It arouses the suspicion of Master Fahai. (Jet Li!) He knows she’s a demon, but since she is benevolent, he gives her a warning. But, like all fairy tales, the warning is only the beginning. Even though she really loves Xu Xian, the monk shows up and forces her to reveal herself by magic, and of course, fighting. It’s like Cinderella meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…and is as visually impressive!
Like most fairy tales, it features cute animals that talk. (I like the turtle. He…talks…slowly…) One such animal is a mouse who tells Xu Xian of an herb so that she can come back to him. But, he is captured by monks, and his memory erased…this makes White Snake angry and she and her demon buddies (Including another snake-woman!) attack the temple to free him. This leads the monk to question if what he’s done is right as the temple is destroyed by an epic kung fu battle with White Snake summoning a tidal wave to smash the temple! The monks erasing Xu Xian’s mind are beset by little rats. Great scene.
So, anyway, despite being a fairy tale romance, it’s an action movie too! It was pretty good. Although it never really does lose the fairy tale tone…which I guess is all right, because it is a fairy tale…however it does seem wildly out of place when an epic battle suddenly erupts and there’s…talking mice around, and well…Xu Xian’s wife is a thousand year old Snake Demon fighting off monks for his affection! But, that’s the power of love, I guess!
Mainly, I like the film’s fantasy portrayal of the demon world. They’re just like nature spirits, I suppose. And I always enjoy learning the fairy tales of other cultures…so I might be a little more biased on my rating in this one. I could’ve used a little more Jet Li. Apparently, the other actors didn’t have as much training as him, so it leads to a lot of jumping around and using big special effects to end the fights. Which is fine, and flashy! But, I wanted to see a bit more martial arts. I wonder if the original fairy tale had martial arts in it?
Anyway, it’s a good love story/action movie which shows the lengths people will go to for love. And what they’ll do to stop it when they’re convinced the love is wrong! But, ultimately, the monk decides that he’s caused too much suffering, and lets White Snake see Xu Xian one last time! For a rating, I’ll give it something in the range of B+. Certainly it’s artfully done. Even though it is a little weird to see talking mice and Cinderella with kung fu monks. But, different is good! It was nice to look at, even in the slow-moving romantic parts.
Basically, if you need a cross between kung fu and the fantasy/action magic of Lord of the Rings, with Jet Li as a Gandalf figure, here’s your ticket! Also, if you specifically want that, you must have very unique interests! But seriously, see this movie. It’s got a little bit of everything with a kung fu movie flavor. Note: I know the movie is from 2011, but the USA DVD was released in 2013!
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