Dungeons and Dragons: Chronicles of Mystara (2013):

Dungeons and Dragons: Chronicles of Mystara (2013):

“Dungeons and Dragons: Chronicles of Mystara is an enhanced re-release of Dungeons and Dragons: Tower of Doom and Dungeons and Dragons: Shadow over Mystara. Besides the obvious differences like gamepad support, leaderboards or internet multiplayer, the most important enhancement is the addition of house rules: after beating the game once, players can activate optional rules like items with infinite durability, the player character heals when killing an enemy or a time attack mode. After solving challenges like killing a certain number of enemies, the player unlocks bonus items like concept drawings. This version also introduces infinite continues and a few additional video modes which simulate things like scanlines or CRT monitors.”

- IMDB Summary

For what it is, Chronicles of Mystara is pretty good. It's a DnD-based beat-em-up. It combines two arcade games. Tower of Doom (1993) and Shadow Over Mystara (1996). There is no real character creation to speak of, only some pre-made characters. Tower of Doom only had Cleric, Fighter, Elf, and Dwarf. Shadow Over Mystara adds Thief and Magic-User (Who, for DnD, should be a given! But, it's a beat-em-up first. Maybe they couldn't decide what spells to put in.)

The Magic-User can use spells, which are basically clear-screen attacks. There's fireball. Acid Cloud, Ice Storm, Magic Missile, among others. Otherwise, it's a pretty basic beat-em-up arcade game with neat ways to use items that sort of resemble classic DnD. Because Elf / Dwarf are classes, and there are no real armor/weapon mechanics, it's sort of a weird mix of 1st Edition and 2nd Edition DnD.

Characters that don't have spells can use items like healing potions, arrows, hammers, burning oil flasks (which create fire walls, which you need for monsters weak against fire.) You need keys to unlock some chests. Sometimes, if your character is strong enough, you can break them open. You can also buy items in shops after some quests. The game also has special loot that can only be collected in-game, and Chronicles of Mystara tracks what items you've found.

Additionally, Chronicles of Mystara has challenges apart from its 2 main games. So, along with keeping track of your items, it can also track unique achievements unlocked. They start simple and get harder, in classic arcade fashion. Everything from play through a game to kill a specific monster 300+ times.

The monster designs are pretty cool. Some look straight out of the Monster Manual. You've got your basic goblins, harpies, kobolds, and gnolls. But, then you've got really specific monsters like Displacer Beasts, Ice Salamanders, and Owlbears, Dark Elves, etc. You need to keep oil on you if you don't have fire spells to defeat Ice Salamanders and trolls (who can only be killed by fire.)

All in all, it's a pretty good DnD-type experience, combining what's great about DnD fantasy with Capcom beat-em-up mechanics. Plus, you get two games in one. Sure, it's not going to replace pen-and-paper 5th or 6th Edition anytime soon. But, it's nice for a classic DnD fix, if you like beat-em-ups. And it's perfect for multi-player! I say check it out.

Connected Hearts: Visual Novel (2017)

Connected Hearts: Visual Novel (2017):

“Gary is caught in a strange dream and now he must overcome the adversities on his path or perish in the attempt. In this adventure you will meet 3 children in dream-like scenarios, next to a mysterious girl who talks about a promise.” - IMDB, “Connected Hearts: Visual Novel”

So, I played Connected Hearts: Visual Novel. I mistakenly thought it would be a romance visual novel, but instead it's a surreal fantasy adventure. That said, the story is pretty good for the adventure story that it is. There are 2 drawbacks immediately though. One is that it's obviously translated from Russian, and there are a lot of typos, and phrases that repeat. (Get ready to read “I swallow saliva...” a lot. I'm guessing they meant gulp, which they actually write once; much to my relief.) But, I guess in the end, the surrealism of the adventure drew me in.

It starts like a romance visual novel. A guy named Gary dreams of a girl, but then discovers that he can travel between dream worlds. He can't wake up. So, each dream world has a child that you're supposed to protect from a dream world monster. You teach them about growing up, facing their fears, embracing their talents, etc. So, it's pretty solid, storywise. Let's get to the plots.

There are 4 dream worlds. The Forest of Whispers (misspelled as Wishpers, but not a dealbreaker.) was the first one I entered. There are wolves there that insult you, and look scary. If you run from them, you'll discover the first child, Mary. She's alone and scared and her cabin is all she knows of the world. You tell her to be brave, and enter a maze where you just keep going in circles.

You soon discover the wolves don't actually do anything. They just insult you. So, you guide Mary to the exit, having conquered your fears. The next world is the Kingdom of the Sun, where strange robot-like inhabitants wear masks and live in fear of people from the “real world”. Their king, Henry, is a talented young boy who built the kingdom from his mind. You have to convince him reality is worth facing. You can't just isolate yourself inside your fantasy.

After that, you escape his robot guards, and return to the dream world hub. The next story I chose was Into the Deep. In this one, a young boy called Royer is trapped on a boat with vicious mermen. Some of the decisions you have to make here to survive, like not hiding from the monster, and “throwing” your lead pipe at a Merman (Did they mean swing?) are all pretty good for the “face your fear” theme. But, I think this one was my least favorite. The robots in The Kingdom of The Sun were the coolest.

Having done all that, you can then visit Alice's Castle. Alice is the girl Gary sees in a dream at the start of the game. Here, you find notes about “Director Heart”, and psychological test subjects all demonstrating a particular phobia. I can guess that Alice created the “dream worlds” to trap Director Hearts' children. Her phobia is chronophobia, and the entire game has been about maturing and confronting fear. So far so good, translation issues aside.

This last bit is where the game loses me. After you confront Alice, she asks you if you remember a promise you made to her. You say no. She says to remember the promise, you have to dream again. Then, the game repeats! I can easily guess, based on her choronophobia, that the promise was never to grow up, or to stay with her forever, or something like that. Something antithetical to the game's theme of maturity and bravery. Maybe I'll finish the game later, but I'm not playing through the same game again right now just to get the “real ending”.

All in all, Connected Hearts: Visual Novel is a strong fable-like story, with a good central message, and vivid imagination that helps it through some of its shortcomings. I still think the title misleads you into thinking it's a romance novel, and not a surreal adventure to save the Heart children. I'll finish it eventually, and I do recommend it, but right now I need a break. There's only so many times I can read Russian-to-English typos, and the novelty of the fantasy story has sort of worn off. That said, I do reccommend at least one playthrough.

The typos weren't the dealbreaker. I'll come back to it. I guess I just don't like games that repeat. It just strikes me as padding out the game. Particularly, when they are full of scenes I just played through. It's exhausting. For now, I need a break. But, It's free on Steam. Check it out!

King of The Dragons (1991 Arcade/1994 Super Nintendo):

King of The Dragons (1991 Arcade/1994 Super Nintendo):

“Set out on a great adventure in a fantastical world to defeat Gildiss, the mighty Red Dragon, and save the kingdom from darkness!” – Steam

King of The Dragons is a fantasy beat-em-up that came to Super Nintendo in 1994 (As I remember it!), ported from the 1991 arcade game. It was just like playing a good hack-and-slash DnD game. I still remember a lot of the bosses, characters, the level design, and the great music that made it all unique and part of my formative DnD experience, even though it wasn't directly related to the DnD games. I just want to talk about it.

You start off by selecting your character who's on a quest to slay a dragon. There's a fighter, a cleric, a wizard, a dwarf, and an elf. The elf has the best range. The dwarf has the least range. The cleric is okay, and the wizard is a gamble, since with every level his attack spell, and thus range, also changes. Your weapons level up after every boss fight, but for some reason...I guess for the added challenge, you can also not pick up new weapons and let them disappear.

The first boss fight is the Orc Chieftain. He's got two chain whips and you have to stay in the middle of him while taking out baddies in the forest. Then, the Minotaur who charges every so often after swinging a giant axe. Then, the wyvern, who you attack in the sky, so if you don't have good range, you're just doomed unless you're really good at jumping attacks, or have a lot of magic. The hydra is pretty sneaky with it's multiple heads shooting different things out. I could go on, but really, all of the bosses are are so good, and tough. I usually die right before the giant spider on my own.

Later on, there's a cyclops, a giant spider, a dragon knight, a dark wizard, and of course, King of The Dragons, Glidiss. Each boss has its own trick to beat, but it can still be pretty tricky, if you waste a lot of health getting to them. Heck, I still can't beat the game on my own. But, a lot of the enemy designs, and level designs like spooky giant spiders in the forest, the cyclops who throws rocks, or the shifty mermen still influence many DnD campaigns today.

The settings and music are phenomenal for the 16-bit era. I feel like, in any beat-em-up, since you'll be attacking and doing the same things a lot, the sound can make or break the experience, and boy, does King of The Dragons go all out from the first level onward. Even the character select screen music feels like an epic quest, the level up sound “Wooo!” let's you know you just became more powerful, the magic screen-clearing lightning attacks or frog orbs that turn all your enemies into frogs (BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!) or (RIBBIT, RIBBIT!) feel satisfying and strong.

There are a few minor things I don't like about the game, but they're not deal-breakers. I still like it. I hate the slime enemies that capture you and drain your health. I hate the freeze spell that freezes you until you click really fast to get out of it. I hate the mimic treasure chests that bite you and you have to click really fast to get them off. Basically, I can never click fast enough to avoid them, and that always dooms me during a solo run. I do better as player two!

Despite all the annoying little enemies, it's still a great game, and its music, settings, and characters keep me coming back to it again and again to try to slay Glidiss. Taken together, all the good parts of the game make it an unforgettable experience of an epic DnD quest! Just make sure you pick the elf, in my opinion. Unless he's taken, then just pick the next best-ranged character. Check it out, if you can!

Cards and Castles 2 (2023):

Cards and Castles 2 (2023):

“Collectible cards spring to life in this wacky Tactical CCG. Assemble a deck to challenge your friends and rivals, and engage in glorious CARD BATTLES! Will you choose fearsome dragons, or the deadly squirrels?”

This game is a collectible card game (CCG) that is all about using a cutesy and funny art-style for a war-based card game. It reminds me a little bit of Card Wars from Adventure Time. There are 6 factions. Vikings, Ninjas, Undead, Bestial, Thieves and Heroes. The Vikings can summon berserkers, land sharks, and war penguins, among others. The forces of Nature (Bestial) can summon Archers, Trees, and battle squirrels. It's all about being silly and weird.

But, the game isn't without strategy. I still haven't really built a good deck up yet. Sometimes you can build buildings that give cards more health or attack. Or if you're the Ninja or Thieves faction, you can set traps so that when your castle is attacked, it hurts the other player. The object of of the game is to destroy the other player's castle.

As with most of these deck-building games, there comes a point where it just comes down to luck of the draw and how powerful your cards are, but that's how they draw you in. You might be doing good one minute and then someone draws a card that destroys everything in your deck. That's just how these games go. A cutesy art-style can only mask so much grinding.

I'm not a fan of huge grinds in games, so I usually just stick with the Vikings so far, unless I'm completing a mission that calls for another faction. They can use Dwarven weapons and armor, and have good heroes, like some guy named Björn. Plus, they're the first faction you start with, so it's easier for me just to start there and build outward.

Look, I wish I could say I liked the game more, I'm not against the “Git Gud” philosophy, but there's too much grinding for my tastes. Single-Player Quests are ok, even a bit challenging. After a while, you're either too overpowered for Single-Player, or too under-powered for multiplayer. But, as I said, I still haven't really built up a good deck. I can't really recommend it, but if you don't mind the grind, check it out.

Solo Leveling (2024):

Solo Leveling (2024):

“In a world of gifted hunters and monsters, a weak hunter Sung Jinwoo gains extraordinary powers through a mysterious program, leading him to become one of the strongest hunters and conquering even the strongest dungeons.”

Jinwoo is a 20 year old down-on-his-luck guy who suddenly finds himself in a world where RPG monsters invade Korea through a “gate”. The government learns how to use magic as energy, gold, classes, and skills, just like a game world and hires them as “hunters” to clear monster dungeons. Jinwoo joins a party with a high-ranked leader. Since Jinwoo is weak, he only has a cheap knife to start with.

One day, they end up trapped by giant god statues. But, Jinwoo is the only one who finds out that there is no boss fight. It's a puzzle. That lets him start again in the game world. After his party is defeated at various points in the puzzle, he wakes up again, and slowly learns the rules of the game world, including what gets points and how to get stronger.

Slowly, he begins to build his stats and strength, and learn where the monsters are, as well as their weakness. Now, he can bring up game screens and inventories to enhance his stats and abilities, as well as make weapons appear like swords. No more cheap knives. Jinwoo decides to focus on strength, and has a real-life muscular body as a result of spending his points on strength. However, to avoid attention, he still puts on a front of being very weak, so he can gain “levels” while adventuring solo.

Overall, it's a good mix of real-world and videogame mechanics. The monsters are interesting enough that it keeps me wondering what will happen next. It's hyper-violent, so it never gets boring. There's wolves, goblins, giant ants, snakes, and spiders. It's been fun to see Jinwoo's transformation from weakling to hero thanks to videogame-style Fighter specialization. It gives hope to gamers. (Not that I really am, these days.) Check it out!

Drifting Home (2022):

Drifting Home (2022):

“Follows two childhood friends who drift into a mysterious sea with an entire housing complex.”

Childhood friends check out an old apartment building they grew up in before it's scheduled to be demolished. They soon end up in a magical sea along with the demolished house, drifting on it like a boat with the rest of their sixth grade friends. The two main characters are Kosuke and Natsume, who grew up together with Kosuke's grandpa in the old apartment.

We soon discover there's a stowaway in the floating apartment, Noppo who everyone thought was Natsume's imaginary friend. Yuzuru, a girl, is scared of Noppo and thinks he's a ghost at first. He says they've been friends for a long time. There's more truth to this than meets the eye.

It's not all just about the friends, but also returning home, and the drama between Natsume and Kosuke. Natsume blames himself for his grandpa's death, and so refuses to accept the parting gift from his grandpa, a camera. Meanwhile, it's revealed that Natsume had an abusive childhood, so she had to move into the apartment.

They raid other drifting apartments for snacks, food, and fresh clothes. Eventually, Natsume cuts her knee getting into a vending machine and they have to make get bandages from a floating drugstore. They also collide with an old floating carnival, where Yuzuru first developed her love of theme parks.

Kosuke accepts the camera and starts taking pictures of all the old buildings. Here's where it gets really magical. As it turns out, Kosuke spots “things” growing out of Noppo's arm. Plants! Noppo reveals that he's the ghost of the old apartment, and the magical sea is a graveyard for old buildings. If he doesn't join them, they can never return home.

I enjoyed this movie. It's a magical meditation on memories and the cycle of pain and joy, death and rebirth. (Samsara.) Once they let go of their grief, they experience joy, and return home magically. Kosuke takes pictures. Noppo can finally return home. If you have a chance watch it. It's a great anime drama on Netflix!

Slay The Spire (2019)

Slay The Spire (2019):

"It's a combination of roguelike-like gameplay with a deck-building card game. It requires players to develop a strategy for their deck on the fly based on the cards they can obtain from loot.”

Slay The Spire is basically a Souls-Like game with cards. You begin the game by selecting a class. Your class determines what skills and abilities (Cards) you have. There's The Ironclad. He's your Tank character with heavy attacks. There's The Silent. He's your Rogue (DPS: Damage-per-Second.) guy with quick attacks and good abilities. There's The Defect, your “Mage-Type”, with weak attack but heavy on spells and abilities.

The one class I haven't gotten yet is The Watcher. But, I assume it's a support-type character. The Monsters you face are fierce, and can do lot of damage usually, just like a Souls-Like. You'll need to balance your block and attack cards each turn. If you don't block, you're dead. If you can't attack, you're dead.

Some monsters can attack and exhaust your cards or steal your cards. Some mini-bosses have special abilities like reflecting attacks back at you or just dealing truckloads of damage. But, fear not. each level of the Spire is like a board, and each defeated monster drops loot. Not every space on the board is a monster encounter. You can have mystery encounter spaces, where something happens whether it's meeting a demon who curses you, but gives you abilities, or a gambling game that can get you new cards. (Or something like that.) Each such space is usually random.

You can also buy potions, cards, and abilities from merchant spaces if you land on them. My favorite spaces though, are campfire spaces. Here, you rest and heal, or upgrade your cards, making their effects more powerful. These are usually good before boss fights or mini-bosses. You can either rest, or upgrade. You cannot do both.

Overall, it's a good game. A tough game. You die a lot. But, it makes me want to replay each time to see if I can do better. I always want to get better cards or try a different class. “Git Gud”, as the gamers say. Give it a try. Check it out on Steam.

Delicious In Dungeon (2024):

Delicious In Dungeon (2024):

“Can sisters be reincarnated from dragon poop? Laios and his friends Marcille and Chilchuck delve into an endless dungeon in search of his fallen sister, fighting monsters, starvation, and corruption.”

Delicious in Dungeon is a kawaii (cute.) little fantasy/cooking anime about a party of adventurers trying to save their friend from the belly of a dragon while also learning about how to cook monsters. First, there's Laios, the fighter. Then, Marcille, the Elvish wizard girl, and then Chilchuck, the pick-lock. Along the way, they meet a master chef dwarf named Senshi who helps them cook and eat monsters.

Each episode is about what monster they cook and how. First, it's walking mushrooms and scorpions, then man-eating plants, then basilisk, among others. (A basilisk is like a chicken-dragon thing.) Then, they discover they can make BBQ from the oil in some of the fire traps in the dungeon. Yes, they are pretend monsters, but the food still looks good, and it's pretty funny.

A lot of the comedy comes from seeing the characters interact. Marcille is really funny, because she is a picky eater, and wants to use magic to solve everything. She's kind of a take-off on the haughty elf trope. She's always freaking out. She's usually the first to say whatever the dwarf has in mind to cook is disgusting.

The leader of the party is Laios. He's a little weird. He wants to eat everything. He's oddly fixated on monsters, and eating monsters. He's even figured out how to eat living armor by cracking it open like lobster and cooking the creatures inside. Senshi helped. This means he's Senshi's best friend.

Senshi is the dwarf/master chef. He's there to cook all the monsters, and teach real cooking techniques. For example, drying out giant slimes before you eat them to make jelly, or taking the tails and venom from giant scorpions to make a nice hotpot. His dream is to cook a Red Dragon.

Chilchuck is a rogue character. He specializes in picking locks and disarming traps. He's a consummate professional. He doesn't know a lot about cooking, but step aside and let him do his job when you need traps disarmed or locks picked. Not a picky eater, but argues with Senshi if he gets in the way of his job.

Overall, it's a nice and funny anime with good-looking food. It may be fantasy, but it'll still make you hungry. The obsessive characters like Laios are basically there to remind you it's a little weird, but it is comical. It's fun to see what they'll cook up next and how. Can't wait 'til they cook that Red Dragon and save their companion! Give it a watch on Netflix!

Leave Mr. Bear Alone (2023):

Leave Mr. Bear Alone (2023):

“A Visual Novel about a bear that kinda just wants to be left alone.”

Leave Mr. Bear Alone is a funny visual novel designed by one guy. It's a short one. Reportedly, it's 500 words. The only way to win is to leave Mr. Bear alone. But, the catch is to read more of the story, you have to follow Mr. Bear. So, he gets more and more annoyed, until you lose.

You see, whenever you choose not to follow Mr. Bear, you win. But, the story ends. It'd probably be a good party game or prank game. It takes about 20 minutes. You can follow Mr. Bear through the lake, to his house, or throw a party in the woods for Mr. Bear...but he really wants you to leave him alone.

Give it a try. It's not too long. But, you're gonna lose a lot. Mr. Bear really wants to be alone. Don't follow him. He's gonna be mad. This is pretty funny. Mr. Bear will say things like “Oh, you just COULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE!” Make a party game of it, and see who can follow the longest. At least it's funny.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023):

I saw the “Mario movie”. It was ok. I mean, I knew it was gonna just remind me of a giant easter egg hunt. But like, parts of the videogame "world" are just other Nintendo games, and Bowser is invading on a flying island. It reminded me of Ready Player One, but funny. But I understand why DK fans didn't like it, because the Kongs are jerks.

It's not that the Kongs don't matter though. It's really about Mario learning to be brave and discovering he's the hero, and yadda yadda. Standard kid's movie stuff. Princess is already brave, because girlboss feminism, but gets captured by Bowser anyway. Ultimately, I feel the same way about it as I do Ready Player One. It's cool, but afterwards there's a feeling of "Did I enjoy this, or was it all just dopamine from bright colors and references?"

Any favorite parts or memorable lines? Well, Bowser tries to hit on Peach, and keeps screwing up. That's pretty funny."I guess love can really make a turtle come out of his shell." One time, Mario says they don't drive on rainbows back in Brooklyn. Really, Jack Black is the part I liked best. I was really pleased with how much they leaned into the 1980s Super Mario Bros Super Show...the Brooklyn origins, the "real-world" commercial uses the Super Show Theme, and they get sucked down a pipe, just like in the show's old rap intro. Sadly, he doesn't “Do The Mario”.

I hear Nintendo wants to make this a Movie Universe. Like the Marvel movies. Which is fine. Anything successful these days becomes a Movie Universe, almost like a law. But, I think I'll need some time before I care about the next Nintendo movie. I'm just kind of dizzy from this one. Fun, but like a sugar rush. That said, I still kind of recommend it. It's a fun little ride. Give it a watch. Hunt down all the little easter eggs. Or just skip it, and go play Mario games.

The Black Cauldron (1985):

The Black Cauldron (1985):

“A young boy and a group of misfit friends embark on a quest to find a dark magic item of ultimate power before a diabolical tyrant can.”

In the land of Prydain, the fate of the world will be decided by a pig keeper! The Black Cauldron is about Taran, a young boy looking after a psychic pig. One day, Taran sees that the pig is acting strangely, and discovers that the evil horned king wants to use the fortune-telling animal to find an artifact that can summon undead warriors. Its name is the Black Cauldron.

Along the way, Taran discovers some friends: Gurgi (a Gollum-like creature who steals things.), a bard (Fflewddur), a fairy, and a princess (Eilonwy), who can use magic. He even finds a magic sword while confronted by the evil king's henchmen. Then, Gurgi bravely throws himself into the Black Cauldron to stop the emerging skeleton army. Later, as part of a bargain with witches, Taran trades the magic sword in order for Gurgi to return to life.

I enjoyed this movie a lot. I might be a bit biased because it reminded me of something like a Dungeons and Dragons campaign, and I like DnD. You've got your standard DnD party (Fighter, Healer, Magic User, Thief.) and they all are on a quest to stop an evil king. I love a good fantasy adventure. Plus, Gurgi really reminded me of Gollum, from Lord of The Rings.

So, I'd recommend this movie if you like both those things. Some neat little additions too, are the voice acting from the late greats Freddie Jones and Nigel Hawthorne! Definitely watch this one on Disney+, if you have time. It's a classic fantasy adventure!

Robin Hood (1973):

Robin Hood (1973):

“The story of the legendary British outlaw is portrayed with the characters as humanoid animals.”

Well, I never thought I'd be reviewing this classic. So, here I go! It's the tale of Robin Hood, as seen through the animal kingdom. Robin Hood is a fox, Little John's a bear, and the whole thing is told by a rooster. Prince John is a power-hungry maneless lion, bent on taxing the poor, and living a rich lifestyle.

But, Robin Hood robs from the rich and gives to the poor. We first see this when he and Little John disguise themselves as female fortune tellers, but Prince John lets them in, because: “Female bandits? What next?” Then, when the rabbit Skippy has a birthday party, Robin Hood stops by and gives him his hat and bow. Well, he gets into some trouble as he shoots an arrow in Prince John's court.

Maid Marian checks on Skippy, and from this, the haughty Prince John and Sir Hiss get the idea to lure Robin Hood out with an archery contest (But, not before getting robbed again!), and then by kidnapping Friar Tuck! Robin Hood enters the contest disguised as a giant stork, fake beak and all. Clever!

After winning the tournament and Maid Marian, Robin Hood is found out, Friar Tuck is captured by the wolf Sheriff of Nottingham, and all looks to be lost until Robin Hood and Skippy's friends organize a jailbreak. (In disguise of course, this time as the dumb vulture guard Nutsy.) He fights the Sheriff and then disposes of Prince John for the actual king, Richard The Lion-Hearted. In this version, of course, he's an actual lion. Maid Marion and Robin Hood get married, and it all makes for a good lighthearted kid's movie.

A few notes before I recommend this one. There's some reused animation that's from the Jungle Book (1967). Most notably, during the dance number. The whole thing is (Oodalalee!) after all, a musical. But, other than that, the voice acting is good (Sir Hiss the snake and Prince John sure ham it up together.), the hand-drawn animation is nice, and I found it fun to re-visit, years later. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid, and I thought it holds up. Give it a watch on Disney+!

Return to Oz (1985):

Return to Oz (1985):

“Dorothy, saved from a psychiatric experiment by a mysterious girl, is somehow called back to Oz when a vain witch and the Nome King destroy everything that makes the magical land beautiful.”

Return to Oz is some dark and crazy stuff. I almost forgot it was a Disney movie. Back on the farm, Dorothy finds a key to Oz. But, her parents still don't believe she ever went there. So, they commit her to a mental hospital, where she's going to be subjected to electroshock therapy. But, after a storm, she escapes with a friend and a chicken named Billina.

Some of the character design is really wacky and twisted. For example, everyone in Emerald City has been turned to stone, and Wheelers (humanoid punk monsters with wheels for limbs.) dominate the landscape. The Yellow Brick Road is destroyed. The whole movie has a desolate, strange, and uncanny feeling.

Characters Dorothy has as companions are Tik-tok, (a clockwork man.) Billina the chicken, Jack Pumpkinhead, and The Gump, who is a mounted deer head on a flying sofa. Mombi has taken over Oz. She can remove her head, and replace it with any head she takes, which is pretty creepy. On top of Mombi, there's another new enemy. He calls himself The Nome King.

The Nome King is made of stone and hates chickens, for reasons that aren't revealed til later. He claims all the jewels in Oz, so he turned Emerald City to stone. He also likes riddles and games. If Dorothy can pick which objects he turned her friends into, she can leave. But, of course, it isn't that easy. There's always a twist.

Overall, I liked all the weird enemies and companions. I think if I were a kid the movie would've freaked me out. But, I liked the weirdness of it all. Especially Tik-tok and The Nome King. It's rated PG, but that still kind of surprises me. If you're in the mood for a twisted fairytale, give it a watch on Disney+!

Raya And The Last Dragon (2021):

Raya And The Last Dragon (2021):

“In a realm known as Kumandra, a re-imagined Earth inhabited by an ancient civilization, a warrior named Raya is determined to find the last dragon.”

Raya re-discovers a dragon (Sisu, The Water Dragon.) when she lets a “friend” borrow and break her Guardian gem, which unleashes a great evil on the kingdoms of Kumandra. Each kingdom is named after a part of the Dragons. Tail, Spine, Heart, and Talon. She travels the apocalyptic landscape on a giant aramadillo hoping to convince the kingdoms to unite their gem pieces and face the evil smoke monsters, the Druun.

The animation is pretty good. Sword fights and chases replace the usual Disney song and dance numbers, so that's nice. But, other than that, it's a pretty forgettable, by-the-numbers Disney story set in another culture. She meets representatives from each of the tribes, and her former friend Naamari. The last person who has to learn to trust is Raya herself.

All in all, this is the epitome of a better watch with snacks. The sprawling landscapes, characters, and sword fights are good. But, I feel like it could have been better if the plot weren't built around a drawn-out Disney moral, and everything else is go to Point A and Point B. It felt like there was more to the story and characters than find the MacGuffin. But, I guess it's just not my demographic.

Young kids should like it. I appreciate that they did something different from a Disney musical. It's a pretty good fantasy adventure. I enjoyed it. But, I definitely needed snacks to keep my attention. It just felt like it could've been more, but was good for what it was. If you have time, watch it with some good snacks!

Cryptozoo (2021):

Cryptozoo (2021):

“Cryptozookeepers try to capture a Baku, a dream-eating hybrid creature of legend, and start wondering if they should display these beasts or keep them hidden and unknown.”

Well, I guess it helps to know what you're getting into before you watch a movie. I expected this movie to be bizarre, but I didn't expect it to open with two naked hippies getting viciously attacked by a unicorn with South Park-levels of gore. It's a wild movie! Free on Hulu.

From the hippies, we go to our main protagonist Lauren, a cryptid hunter. It's the 1960s, and she's globe-hopping to save mystical creatures. They save Russian storm birds, a satyr, a medusa, and a guy with a face in his chest (voiced by Michael Cera.), to build a zoo for cryptids...Cryptozoo!

One day, she discovers that the Baku (dream-eater) who helped her with nightmares as a kid, and inspired her quest to become a crypto-zoologist, is being held by the US military. So, she gathers her cryptid friends and quests to save her from them. Thus, the movie turns into a sort of mystical spy epic, with tons of gore as the animals and soldiers are both killed/or captured.

I'm not necessarily against violence in movies, I just think I wasn't prepared to watch an officer get eaten by a South American megaworm. Or goblins get shot, or a hippie to be impaled by a unicorn. The general message seems to be that nature wants animals to be free, not used as weapons or entertainment. The animation is psychedelic and 1960s-inspired, so at least it's never boring. Watch it with some snacks, and you'll have fun.

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991):

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991):

“Dar is a warrior who can talk to the beasts. He is forced to travel to Earth to stop his evil brother from stealing an atomic bomb and turning their native land from a desert into, well - a desert.”

This one is a bit different! The evil wizard Arklon travels through time to 1991. There, with the help of Lyranna, he hopes to get a neutron bomb from a testing facility in L.A. Lyranna pronounces it “Ellay” like it's part of their mystical world. The rest is an action-comedy as Dar The Beastmaster fights through shopping malls to the testing facility to stop Arklon.

Dar is guided through the 1990s with the help of Jackie Trent. It's good satire. People just keep mistaking Arklon for a really eccentric rich person. It's not the serious action high fantasy of the original. But, it is good for a few laughs. Dar still has his beasts: the tiger Ru, the ferrets Podo and Kodo, and the eagle Sharak.

At one point, Jackie asks Dar which ferret is Kodo and which is Podo. He responds simply “Yes.” It doesn't really matter! Marc Singer as always is great as Dar trying to take down his evil wizard brother. If you go into it with the mindset that it's a comedy, I recommend it! But, if you want the serious Beastmaster films, skip it. I like that they tried something different.

OUTLANDER (2008):

OUTLANDER (2008):

“During the reign of the Vikings, Kainan, a man from a far-off world, crash lands on Earth, bringing with him an alien predator known as the Moorwen.”

This is a movie about a space marine who crashes into medieval Norway, carrying an alien who can shoot lasers and impale people with its tentacles that everyone mistakes for a dragon. The marine, Kainan, loses his gun and vows to track down the alien. With Iron Age tech, he reasons it's easier to trap it.

But now, he is trapped in Norse politics. At first, they think he's a spy for the Franks. John Hurt, who plays the Viking chieftain listens to his story. They don't believe him at first, but after hunting the beast with him, they believe it's more than a bear. Kainan parties with the Vikings, and becomes friends with Freya, the king's daughter.

Now, this is where he gets mixed up. Freya is due to marry Wulfric, who Freya says is a tyrant. Thus, Freya entrusts Kainan, not him, with the king's sword. All the while building this “dragon trap”, he has to fend off enemies that Wulfric has made too. They suspect his tribe attacked, when it was the alien. But, Wulfric is too quick to think with his sword.

Thinking with his mind and heart, Kainan tries to trap the beast and bring the people together. This is justice for having brought the monster into their world. I really enjoyed this mix of hard sci-fi and mythical fantasy. It's free on Youtube movies. If you have time, give it a watch!

Cruella (2021):

Cruella (2021):

“A live-action prequel feature film following a young Cruella de Vil.”

When your villainess is a puppy-skinning madwoman, I say lean into it. But here, she's just a fashionista/thief navigating 1970s London's gala scene. She even has dog companions. This is a pretty good movie, but as a whole it feels really messy, and takes entirely too long to get to the fancy costume battles.

It's a heist movie/comedy/prequel/reboot, but you don't really watch for the plot. You watch for the costumes: the leather outfit, the red dress, the classic Dalmatian get-up, even a garbage truck dress... All very flashy, and eye-catching. I realize they're going for a franchise though. Emma Stone alone could make it work, but just barely.

You see, in this version, it's a revenge plot against her boss who was kinda mean to her in the fashion business. Also, because her boss (The Baroness) is an evil(er?) Disney villainess, she killed her mother. But, I guess in the long run, it only matters that she was kinda mean to Estella (later Cruella.) while she was working her way up the fashion ladder to steal from her.

Acting kinda mean is just how Disney shows class issues. She's poor until she discovers the magical world of fashion. Then, she becomes Cruella, and magically outperforms her mean old boss with the help of friendship, and a boss attitude. It's just that nobody wants to watch mopey Cruella. People wanna see more of her getting justice! I can watch Emma Stone just about anytime, but I really thought the “mean boss” origin was a bit of a reach.

That said, I still do recommend the movie, because I like the 1970s style and soundtrack. I just prefer the old origin story as opposed to the new one that drags on for so long before the action. Watch it with snacks, and enjoy the fancy costumes, though. Then, it's pretty good. If you can stomach the mopey parts. I like the old evil puppy-skinning Cruella, but this one could grow on me, if they make the next movie a little more evil.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982):

“Conan! What is best in life?”

“To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.”

This is a classic sword and sorcery flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Conan's village is attacked, and then he becomes a slave, and then an arena fighter. He serves some time in armies, and then he meets a succubus who leads him to find Thulsa Doom, the snake cult leader responsible for his suffering. He finds a sword in a cave, and runs off to find him, and reclaim his kingdom.

Along the way, he meets friends like Valeria The Valkyrie, a wizard, and the archer Subotai. It's a pretty good adventure. Some of the action is pretty surreal. Conan is crucified at one point, and bites a vulture. Thulsa Doom turns into a snake. Good swordfights near the end. It even has some comedy. Like when Conan steals some robes to sneak into the snake cult, or plants his face in a bowl of mush.

Highly recommended for fantasy adventure lovers. Just keep in mind it's not PG-13. Worth a watch though to see Arnold tear through some bad guys before he was Terminator. This also means that when Conan speaks, it's usually a manly growl or an epic line! (See above quote!) Well, what are you waiting for? Go watch it however you can!

Iron Mask (2020):

Iron Mask (2020):

“Early 1700: Cartographer Jonathan Green (Jason Flemyng) from Viy (2014) is back to map the Russian Far East. He's forced on to China, where he confronts the Dragon Master et al. The iron masked Russian Czar escapes the Tower of London to a Russian ship.”

So, there's basically two films going on here. One is a basic supernatural wushu (historical Chinese fairytale.) and the other is the action movie between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan that American audiences were sold. Well, they fight for five minutes. They aren't even the main characters.

In this world, tea is actually the healing tears of a mystical dragon. An evil witch kidnaps and replaces the Russian czar with an imposter, while Johnathan Green is trying to map China. Are you following? Good. Of all people, Arnold plays a British guard. There are some funny moments, but ultimately it pivots to being just another wushu film, with some line about how the lead actress is Jackie Chan's daughter, the rightful empress who has to fight the witch, and reclaim the throne.

By itself, it's an alright movie. I just feel it's a bit bait-and-switch. It feels like two movies. Arnold and Jackie come back to end the film. Jackie explains to Arnold that the dragon is everywhere. Usually, I like wushu films for their effects. But, I think here they just ran out of money to show the dragon again. I would recommend this film. But, just bear in mind, it's a little convoluted.