SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

“Santa's sleigh is stuck in the sand on a Florida beach only days before Christmas Eve. A group of children try to help.”

Tell me something. When you watch a movie called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, do you expect to see Jack and The Beanstalk? No? Well, then, skip this movie, because that's what it is. Oh, sure. There's a good 20 mins of Santa getting stuck in Florida. But then, it's Jack and The Beanstalk for an hour, and then they wrap up with The Ice Cream Bunny saving Santa on a firetruck. What, is he gonna drive Santa to the airport?

Santa psychically calls for some children to help him. But, they all fail because they can't push the animals up to Santa's sleigh. Fearing the children are disheartened, Santa tells them all the story of Jack And The Beanstalk. Honestly, it's pretty basic stuff, with some musicals thrown in. If you were expecting a weird Christmas movie like I was, you'll be disappointed.

All the children sing terribly off-key even when dubbed over. Worse yet, they still include noises like Santa's workshop, and firetruck sirens over the kids' singing. The only good singer is the giant. He sings “Fee Fie Fo Fum” like an old opera singer. But then, the warbly low-budget 1970s audio ruins his spoken dialogue, which he always shouts at the top of his lungs. I get it, he's a giant, but spare me the microphone feedback.

In conclusion, skip this movie. Even if you just want a weird Christmas musical, this isn't it. It's Jack and The Beanstalk pretending to be a Christmas movie. It's like someone had a neat bunny costume, and wanted to put it in a movie, so they just crammed it into another movie. It's not even particularly weird. Just disappointing. It's free on Tubi, if you dare.

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth (1991):

Trancers II: The Return of Jack Deth (1991):

“6 years after a time cop returns home from battling future alien zombies, his settled life is turned upside down when a mad scientists creates more.”

Dr. Wardo is creating more “trancers”. (Psychically-controlled alien drug zombies.) Trancers is basically Blade Runner with zombie movie twist. Jack Deth returns to the 20th century investigating why trancers still exist after his first mission. (See here.) He discovers that his wife is alive, but she'll die when they go back to the 23rd century.

Meanwhile, he's living in the 1990s as a married man already, to make things more complicated. They explain again that some technology from the 23rd century allows for stuff to be time-travelled through as long as you've got ancestors “down the line”. In his case, Jack Deth befriended an old drunk baseball player, his ancestor, Hap Ashby. Deth's former police chief inhabits the body of a 15-year-old girl.

They find out that Dr. Wardo is brainwashing mental patients, and addicting them to a futuristic drug, SKROB78. Wardo is building a “trancer farm” just like Whistler, from the first mission. He does it with the help of the Green World cult, and hypnosis. All the while, Jack must save the people, take out Wardo, and possibly his own future wife. There's a good mix of comedy, horror, and action here for a B-Movie. I say check it out!

TERMINAL FORCE A.K.A GALAXIS (1995):

TERMINAL FORCE A.K.A GALAXIS (1995):

“A sacred crystal with god-like powers becomes the spoils in an epic battle between the good, the evil and the incompetent.”

Ok, this is a clear case of there are two different movies here sandwiched together. One is a Terminatoresque scifi plot with a space warrior traveling to Earth to protect a human. (Galaxis). Another is a crime movie based on a dopey adventurer trying to protect his treasure, and he busts some gang lords. Guess which one gets the main focus.

If you guessed the Terminator plot... no. They focus on the dopey (incompetent) adventurer named Jed Sanders. Brigette Nielsen is good in her role as Ladera. She's searching for the “fire crystal” before it falls into the hands of the space wizard Kyla. And protect Jed. She's good in the role, and clearly doing her best stiff Schwarzenegger impression. But, they don't give her enough to do. She doesn't even use her gun that much.

Turns out, the “fire crystal” is actually what Jed calls “The Treasure of the Incas”. They couldn't afford the movie Jed was supposed to be in, so instead we're given the backstory of Jed, by him talking to a guy in a bar. Later, Ladera shows up and beats up the gangsters that now want the treasure. Then, Jed is confronted by Kyla, who bodyswaps with Ladera via illusion and tries to seduce Jed into giving up the treasure.

So, Jed miraculously figures out how to fire Ladera's laser weapon, as the villain is bragging to her about his plan. That's it for the scifi plot. No, really. Kyla's just gone now. The rest of the movie is Jed trying to stop Victor's gangsters; with of course, his buff Amazon space warrior protecting him. One special thing about this movie is that future director Sam Raimi appears as “Nervous Police Officer.”

It's free on Tubi, and there are some interesting ideas in it, but I say skip it. It's just too obviously two short films stuck awkwardly together. They don't give the actors enough time or action to establish their characters. What you're left with is vaguely watchable, but it doesn't have enough crime to be a good crime movie, and abandons its sci-fi plot to focus on another bland character.

ROBOCOP (1987):

ROBOCOP (1987):

“In a dystopic and crime-ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg haunted by submerged memories.”

When officer Alex Murphy gets his limbs blown off by drug dealers, OCP (Omni Consumer Products) rebuilds him in a robotic body. He takes his revenge against the criminals of Delta City a.k.a. Detroit. OCP buys the police force and attempts to persuade the public to let it take over the city. But, something is very wrong about this plan, and Robocop is on the case.

Murphy begins to rediscover his humanity after his righteous rampage, and catchy one-liners. (“Your move, creep.”) He soon discovers the drug dealers might not be all they appear to be, as he accesses more of his OCP directives. His directives are: 1.) Serve The Public Trust, 2.) Protect The Innocent, 3.) Uphold The Law, and a 4th forbidden directive.

Wonderful action, good mystery, and a theme of what it means to be human and use technology. This film is an absolute classic. I'd recommend it to anyone who isn't squeamish. It is ultra-violent. But, I feel like the violence here serves a greater purpose. Definitely give it a watch if you can. It's free on Tubi!

If PG-13 is more your style, check out my post on Robocop 3 here: https://bit.ly/3lULR7c.

War of The God Monsters (1985):

WAR OF THE GOD MONSTERS (1985):

“A young reporter is writing a story about the theories of scientist who believes dinosaurs still exist. When monsters suddenly appear and cause destruction, the doctor and journalist must find a way to save the world.”

A scientist, Dr. Kim, is convinced that prehistoric monsters exist and are coming to punish mankind for their sins. A lot of the film is just a woman reporter showing up at the doctor's house to try to get a look at his research. Then, his daughter has a “dream” that monsters attack, Then, they actually do!

There's some good puppet work here, and a good variety of monsters. There's a triceratops monster that makes monkey noises! A fire-breathing robot dragon with laser claws! A flying chicken-headed godzilla thing! A giant starfish bat! Then, there's a horned monitor lizard, and finally, an Eastern dragon that swims.

In one of the strangest climaxes I've ever seen...the monsters just kind of...go away? They fight, stuff blows up, then the military comes in while the main family hides. The daughter says things like she's sorry, and finally the father says he was correct in his theories. It's not exactly the best writing.

That said, all that makes sense when you find out that this is actually two movies stuck together. It's footage from an original Korean movie, stuck together with scenes from Ultraman. Several shots are reused or flipped around. It's not a bad movie, if you can stomach an hour of a Korean family drama. The second half of the movie, monsters attack and stuff blows up. Watch it on Tubi, if you like B-Movie monster action.

TURBO KID (2015):

TURBO KID (2015):

"In a post-apocalyptic wasteland in 1997, a comic book fan adopts the persona of his favourite hero to save his enthusiastic friend and fight a tyrannical overlord.”

I wanted to like Turbo Kid a lot more than I did. It's a deliberate parody/homage to apocalyptic sci-fi of the 1980s like Mad Max. With water being scarce and sucked out of humans by an evil corporation, it's even got heavy shades of Tank Girl. The problem is that none of the characters feel developed, despite a great 1980s atmosphere.

The main character, The Kid, feels bland and unmotivated. They give you an origin story right in the middle of the movie after he meets the big villain Zeus. There they explain that Zeus killed The Kid's mother. They should have led with that, and had it fuel his character, instead of introducing us to him as a shy comic book geek obsessed with Turbo Rider comics.

The only interesting character here is Apple. She wants to be Turbo Kid's friend, and teaches him how to fight and be a friend. They begin to care for each other. She's the heart of this movie. Literally, if they didn't have Apple, I would have no reason to care for this movie, because the main character is such a depressed geek loner.

That's the problem with this movie. It tries so hard to make you identify with Turbo Kid, that it forgets what kind of 1980s homage it's trying to be. Sweet romance scenes are immediately followed by splatterhouse gore. Action moments that should feel big, are only sold short because the same beats keep happening. Without spoiling, I'll say scenes with any heart are robbed of importance because they keep mishandling Apple: 4 times.

It'd maybe be different if Turbo Kid led with its apocalyptic revenge story. As it is, the movie tries to sell you on the idea that he's a comic book nerd who incidentally finds a laser-shooting glove. I get it, but the one who really carries the movie is Apple. She makes him go out, and make friends and adventure, instead of living life as a lone scavenger...and he never really grows out of that, except for when they show his origin story in the middle of the movie.

I love homage movies to the 1980s. The sets are cool, and invoke the time period. But, the action is too mixed, and I didn't really connect with any characters besides Apple, because she is the only one who values friendship, heart, and battle skills. The only thing Turbo Kid has is a laser glove, and a comic book obsession...which might be cool if that's what you like, but it doesn't drive the plot.

As much as I wanted to like the atmosphere, I just couldn't get over how mixed the movie was in message and tone. Is it a horror movie? A coming-of-age flick? An apocalyptic action movie? An adventure? Beyond saying “Here's an alternate 1980s!” the film doesn't really seem to care what it is, or what happens in it. It's free on Tubi, but I have to say skip this one.

DEATH RACE 2050 (2017):

DEATH RACE 2050 (2017):

"Five long decades after Death Race 2000 (1975), in the overpopulated United Corporations of America, the annual Death Race is about to begin. This time, Frankenstein is up against no-nonsense challengers. How many points will he score?"

This is more or less a soft reboot of Death Race 2000 with a new cast of racers. It keeps the original overpopulation/game show setup. The new racers are Jed Perfectus, a genetically-engineered racer, Minerva, who is a rapper, an AI named Abe, and stepping in for the Nazi gimmick of the original (Matilda The Hun in 1975.) we have Tammy The Terrorist.

It's pretty much the same film. The good news is, if you liked the old one, you'll like this. However, for some reason, some of the characters just don't stick out for me. The rapper is a one-note joke. As is Dr. Creamer/ABE (the ole “Girl has sex with robots joke”.) It's a schlocky B-Movie action comedy. Jed Perfectus is no substitute for young Sylvester Stallone.

I recommend it for being a modern take on the classic movie. Malcolm McDowell is in it as The President. Give it a watch if you have time. Turn your brain off and enjoy the stylized game show hyper-violence. A good tribute, but the original was still better.

The Killer Robots! Crash and Burn (2016):

The Killer Robots! Crash and Burn (2016):

“Robot mercenaries are sent on a mission to activate a machine that will bring about a new age of enlightenment.”

This movie is about 4 robot arena fighters who will be freed if they upload a punchcard freeing all other robots from the control of the vicious Lord Mot. One thing I will say about this movie, it doesn't have the best special effects. Most are basic green screen and puppet work. Most the robots are just guys in silver facepaint.

If you can get used to the low-budget look, it's pretty fun. They've got robots blowing up all over the place, and saving the universe. At one point, it just cuts to a live-action man playing guitar with a chicken. It's definitely odd. But, if you're in the mood for cheesy sci-fi, grab some snacks and watch it. Free on Tubi.

Mantera (2012):

Mantera (2012):

"About a boy, Azman, who stumbles upon a nano-tech glove which can transform his motorbike into body armor."

A clueless nerd from Malaysia trains with an ancient organization after he's accidentally mailed cyborg technology. It's ok. Some of the CGI is jerky and unusual. It kind of looks like an early 00s FMV videogame that doesn't make me nostalgic. The good guys are the Alliance of Light, giving them the unfortunate acronym AOL. I mean, it's like Last Starfighter combined with half-baked Transformers. It's free on Tubi, but you can skip it.

Lawnmower Man (1992):

Lawnmower Man (1992):

"A simple man is turned into a genius through the application of computer science."

An intellectually disabled man has his intelligence boosted through VR technology. He soon takes revenge against those who bullied him. He gains telekinesis and telepathy. Eventually, he plots world domination through the computer world.

It sort of takes a hard turn turns scifi horror when Jobe gains his powers. VR looks dated now, but the ideas are still relevant. Like how much bullying someone can take, and how the tables are turned when Jobe has power. I liked it. Check it out. It's free on Tubi.

Stroszek (1977):

Stroszek (1977):

"In Berlin, an alcoholic man, recently released from prison, joins his elderly friend and a prostitute in a determined dream to leave Germany and seek a better life in Wisconsin."

Stroszek is part morality tale and part absurdist comedy. It's tragedy lies in that we want these misfit characters to succeed. But, after an agent confiscates his pet chicken, Stroszek and his band of misfits confront the darkness of the criminal underworld and American life. A Werner Herzog classic! If you can stomach the suffering and madness that is his trademark, give it a watch. It's actually darkly humorous. Free on Tubi.

Night Hunter (1996):

Night Hunter (1996):

"Vampire hunter Jack Cutter must fulfill his destiny and destroy the last of the bloodsucking creatures of the night before an unholy disaster strikes."

Jack Cutter is the last in long line of vampire hunters. After killing a few vampires in one L.A. restaurant, he is chased both by police and by other vampires. Free on Tubi!

Yamasong: March of the Hollows (2017):

Yamasong: March of the Hollows (2017):

"An automated girl and tortoise warrior journey with a band of outlaws on an incredible quest. Their one hope is to find a legendary relic to defeat a sinister mechanized army and save the creatures of their world."

Nani the automated girl's heart beats so fast that it causes the prison moon housing the Hollows (robots) to plummet into planet Yamasong. Now, it's up to Nani and her friends to stop the Hollows from turning everyone into a soulless robot.

Great puppet work here from Brian Henson. An all-star voice cast! A crazy alien planet! My only complaint is that thematically, it's like The Dark Crystal, with souls being sucked out by an evil army, so if you didn't like that, you won't like this. Otherwise, check it out! Free on Tubi!

Redline (2009):

Redline (2009):

"A story about the most popular racing event in the galaxy, the Redline, and the various racers who compete in it."

Sweet JP competes in the famous interplanetary Redline race with the help of his trusty alien mechanic Frisbee. However, the government of Planet Roboworld vows to destroy all the racers in the name of “peace”. It's like anime meets Death Race 2000. I enjoyed the weird characters and souped-up cars. Definitely worth a watch. Free on Tubi!

Death Race 2000 (1975):

Death Race 2000 (1975):

"In a dystopian future, a cross country automobile race requires contestants to run down innocent pedestrians to gain points that are tallied based on each kill's brutality."

After economic collapse, the United States government is restructured into a totalitarian regime under martial law. To pacify the population, the government has created the Transcontinental Road Race, where a group of drivers race across the country in their high-powered cars and which is infamous for violence, gore, and innocent pedestrians being struck and killed for bonus points.

Free on Tubi. It's got David Carradine as the top racer Frankenstein, and young Sylvester Stallone plays Machine Gun Joe! Give it a watch!

The Point (1971):

The Point (1971):

"A father tells his son a bedtime story about young Oblio (Mike Lookinland), who believes that having no point in the fantastical kingdom of pointed heads and things, still has a point."

Weird musical-ish adventure movie with Ringo as Narrator. A boy on a quest to find himself. He has no point on his head, but everyone else has a point. Check it out if you can! Free on Tubi. Groovy!

Sci-Fi Fighters (1996):

Sci-Fi Fighters (1996):

"Boston, 2009. A police detective (Roddy Piper) searches for Adrian Dunn, his ex-partner (Billy Drago) who murdered his wife. Dunn has escaped from prison on the moon and returned to Earth with an alien virus."

I love this movie. Roddy Piper makes a great Blade Runner-ish noir detective tough guy with some AMAZING dramatic chops. Apart from They Live, this was the film that convinced me that "Holy crap. Piper can ACT!" This movie began my love of Roddy Piper films, even though it's totally just a low-budget Blade Runner, with some Alien in there. Anyway, just thought I'd put it out there because a lot of people don't know about it. Check it out. Free on Tubi.

This Girl is Badass (2011):

This Girl is Badass (2011):

"A bike messenger (JeeJa Yanin) becomes caught between competing mob bosses. She confronts the gangs in a battle of bullets, face kicks and punches."

Pretty good movie from Thailand. Insane stuntwork and improv'd weapons. Free on Tubi. Watch it!

Trancers (1984 -)

Trancers (1984):

"A trooper (Tim Thomerson) leaves 2247 Angel City for 1985 Los Angeles to stop a zombie mystic (Michael Stefani) out to change history."

A good cheesy sci-fi series that's something like Blade Runner meets Quantum Leap. Pure B-Movie fun as Jack Deth tries to adapt to the 80s, and solve his case. Won't stop using weird slang. Part of the comedy is the modern people being oblivious to zombies a.k.a. "squids". Each movie has diminishing returns however.

Trancers 1-3 are good. The rest just feel like standard sword-and-shield fantasy, like someone mixed up two scripts. Pretty weird sci-fi concepts executed as action-comedy. These are all available on Tubi. Take a look!