Ninja Scroll (1993):

Ninja Scroll (1993):

Ninja Scroll is about Jubei, a ronin who just wants to be left alone after finding out his old friend Lord Genma, has become the Dark Shogun, leader of the Eight Devils of Kimon. All that changes after a government spy named Dakuwan poisons him with a ninja star, forcing him to go on a quest to defeat the Eight Devils to receive the antidote.

This is just good anime fun. Plenty of gore, sketchy content, and an anti-hero protagonist with a “devil-may-care” loner attitude. This is the anime that showed me what anime was all about. Back when the only other anime I'd caught on TV where Sailor Moon and DBZ, though I knew a little bit about Street Fighter and videogames.

Speaking of videogames, each fight here with a Devil is structured like a videogame boss fight, but there are no incessant power-ups like DBZ or Sailor Moon. Just each Devil with a specific power, and weakness. There's a rock guy, a guy with bees, an exploding lady, a blind samurai, a snake lady, a guy with an electric cord, and Genma among others. He simply has to find a weakness in each, and defeat them.

Along the way, Jubei meets up with Kagero, a Kuga clan ninja girl with poison in her body. She helps Jubei after being attacked by one of the Devils. She has a unique ability to poison whoever she “gives her body” to. So, that's an exciting use of her ability. She also has ninja abilities like magic blossoms she can summon.

Overall, Ninja Scroll is edgy, exciting, and fast-paced. Each fight is well-structured, bloody, and awesome. The visuals are great, and the hero is a smarmy anti-hero who isn't on your typical shonen power-up quest. He just wants peace, nothing phases him. He's a chill guy, which makes the battles more exciting. If you have a chance, check it out. It's a must-watch anime!

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023):

I saw the “Mario movie”. It was ok. I mean, I knew it was gonna just remind me of a giant easter egg hunt. But like, parts of the videogame "world" are just other Nintendo games, and Bowser is invading on a flying island. It reminded me of Ready Player One, but funny. But I understand why DK fans didn't like it, because the Kongs are jerks.

It's not that the Kongs don't matter though. It's really about Mario learning to be brave and discovering he's the hero, and yadda yadda. Standard kid's movie stuff. Princess is already brave, because girlboss feminism, but gets captured by Bowser anyway. Ultimately, I feel the same way about it as I do Ready Player One. It's cool, but afterwards there's a feeling of "Did I enjoy this, or was it all just dopamine from bright colors and references?"

Any favorite parts or memorable lines? Well, Bowser tries to hit on Peach, and keeps screwing up. That's pretty funny."I guess love can really make a turtle come out of his shell." One time, Mario says they don't drive on rainbows back in Brooklyn. Really, Jack Black is the part I liked best. I was really pleased with how much they leaned into the 1980s Super Mario Bros Super Show...the Brooklyn origins, the "real-world" commercial uses the Super Show Theme, and they get sucked down a pipe, just like in the show's old rap intro. Sadly, he doesn't “Do The Mario”.

I hear Nintendo wants to make this a Movie Universe. Like the Marvel movies. Which is fine. Anything successful these days becomes a Movie Universe, almost like a law. But, I think I'll need some time before I care about the next Nintendo movie. I'm just kind of dizzy from this one. Fun, but like a sugar rush. That said, I still kind of recommend it. It's a fun little ride. Give it a watch. Hunt down all the little easter eggs. Or just skip it, and go play Mario games.

Flying Phantom Ship (1969):

Flying Phantom Ship (1969):

“Hayato's peaceful life with his parents and his dog is brought to a dramatic, terrible end when a giant robot, said to be sent from a flying ghost ship, devastates the city, killing hundreds including Hayato's parents.”

It all begins with a fishing trip where Hayato's dad encounters the ghost ship captain in a haunted castle. The captain is actually there to scare his company's boss, who is in the castle, but they don't know that. So, after saving his dad's boss from the castle, a giant golem attacks Tokyo, claiming to be from the captain. Hayato's family dies in the attack, and he finds out they aren't his real parents. So, what began as a playful Scooby Doo mystery takes a hard turn into Japanese monster movie territory. Hayato tells his dog to get lost, and soon discovers that the boss (named Kuroshio.) was behind the golem attack, not the pirate captain, after he reveals his underground lair. Turns out, the attack is a ploy to promote Japanese industry and get everyone addicted to Boa Juice, Hayato's favorite soda pop.

The soda is actually produced by a sea monster Boa, who sends a giant crab monster to Tokyo and turns Kuroshio into soda for failing to disguise the attack. Meanwhile, Hayato joins the ghost ship captain, who is actually a defender of Japan. His ship is actually a robot ship, equipped with lasers and forcefields.

On the ship, Hayato vows to defeat Boa, and give up his favorite soda to defend the people. The pirate captain takes off his skull mask, and reveals himself as Hayato's real father. We're introduced to Tori, his daughter (and Hayato's sister.) who motivates him to find Boa. This movie wears a lot of different hats. On one hand, it's a mystery, then a monster movie, then an adventure.

As it turns into an undersea adventure, we see that Boa is a giant squid. His body is invulnerable to torpedo and laser attacks. Tori discovers by accidentally hitting an EMP pulse button during a crash that Boa is actually a robot, and they can defeat him with electromagnetism. The monster goes haywire, and buries itself after crashing into a cave wall. Hayato is congratulated back home by his new family, and becomes the new ghost ship captain.

So, is this all worth watching? Yes, but only because it's very short: 61 mins. It's exciting, but never really picks a tone. It's exciting, but I wish it were more focused. As it is, it's a good adventure flick. I'd say give it a watch anyway you can. It's worth it just to see all the craziness.

It wears a lot of the trends of 1960s Japan: Monster attacks, robots, environmentalist themes, family switcheroos...but it wears them all like a finely-tailored suit. Trivia: for its anti-capitalist themes this was the first ever Japanese anime shown in Russia (USSR), and the animation on the ship was done by Hayao Miyazaki.

Astro Boy (2004 series DVD set):

Astro Boy (2004 series DVD set):

I finished watching the 2004 DVD set for Astro Boy recently. It was good. Even though it's a reboot, it followed a lot of Osamu Tezuka's original Pinocchio-type themes from the 1960s series. At its heart, it's about a boy with the power to decide what he wants to do, and who his friends are, even if they appear mean at first. To be honest, I got bored around the 4th DVD when the adventures became more villain-of-the-week episodic, but once it returned to the evil father story from discs 1 and 2, then it was action-packed and really focused.

There are humans who hate robots and humans who wanna be robots, and humans who frame robots for crimes, and robot supremacists. But, Astro Boy fights for everyone. A little cheesy, but good cheese. The last disc is really action-packed too. Robots form their own independent nation, and Astro Boy fights to minimize the damage. Not quite like modern anime violent, but it's on par with something like Avatar: The Last Airbender.

For me, it was refreshing to see something from anime say in effect, that the rules of society are important, but we all have free will. Free will is not a common theme in modern anime, in my opinion. That was nice to see on top of Astro Boy's Good vs. Evil story, with Dr. O'Shay being good and Dr. Tenma being evil. Apart from Good vs. Evil, he learns from having friends, fighting villains (Robot or human.) and playing games (Rocketball and visiting the circus.) that being fair is important. Plus, he has cool powers like an arm cannon, rocket boots, finger lasers, and uh, he can...talk to trees? Anyway, give it a watch if you're itching for some good retro-future cheesiness.

Street Fighter: The Movie (1994):

Street Fighter: The Movie (1994):

If you know me, you know I love Street Fighter. I'm not here to talk about what makes the movie bad. There are plenty of articles on that. Plus, it still gave us Kylie Minogue as Cammy. Belgian action hero Jean-Claude Van Damme as the All-American Captain Guile at least works as a comedy. No, I'm going to be nice to the movie, (Merry Christmas!) and talk about the one thing that works about it: Raul Julia as M. Bison.

For a man dying of cancer at he was filming, it's amazing to me how he plays this role with such megalomania and exuberance. He gave us such classic lines such as: “For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But, for me, it was Tuesday.” (To Chun Li.) He even says he'll replace God and has grand delusions of world domination through a mutant army, in an underground base. It's impossible not to be sucked in by this villainous dictator's charm and melodramatic proclamations.

I feel like he was the one actor who understood that the movie is a comedy. It's an action-comedy, of course. But, ultimately, at the time, videogame movies were still thought of as for kids. And that's who Raul Julia was doing it for! (Specifically, his kids.) So, even though Guile has weird lines, and almost nothing else about the movie works, we still have Raul Julia playing Bison as a madman fully aware that he's in a videogame! That alone should bring anyone joy. Give it a watch as a comedy, and see if it makes you smile!

So what's your favorite M. Bison line? I think mine is the "it was Tuesday." line. That was just great. But, he has such gravitas, every line is great. Let me know your favorite Street Fighter line in the comments. It's not a good movie, but it's not bad as a comedy. Merry Christmas, everyone.

SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

“Santa's sleigh is stuck in the sand on a Florida beach only days before Christmas Eve. A group of children try to help.”

Tell me something. When you watch a movie called Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, do you expect to see Jack and The Beanstalk? No? Well, then, skip this movie, because that's what it is. Oh, sure. There's a good 20 mins of Santa getting stuck in Florida. But then, it's Jack and The Beanstalk for an hour, and then they wrap up with The Ice Cream Bunny saving Santa on a firetruck. What, is he gonna drive Santa to the airport?

Santa psychically calls for some children to help him. But, they all fail because they can't push the animals up to Santa's sleigh. Fearing the children are disheartened, Santa tells them all the story of Jack And The Beanstalk. Honestly, it's pretty basic stuff, with some musicals thrown in. If you were expecting a weird Christmas movie like I was, you'll be disappointed.

All the children sing terribly off-key even when dubbed over. Worse yet, they still include noises like Santa's workshop, and firetruck sirens over the kids' singing. The only good singer is the giant. He sings “Fee Fie Fo Fum” like an old opera singer. But then, the warbly low-budget 1970s audio ruins his spoken dialogue, which he always shouts at the top of his lungs. I get it, he's a giant, but spare me the microphone feedback.

In conclusion, skip this movie. Even if you just want a weird Christmas musical, this isn't it. It's Jack and The Beanstalk pretending to be a Christmas movie. It's like someone had a neat bunny costume, and wanted to put it in a movie, so they just crammed it into another movie. It's not even particularly weird. Just disappointing. It's free on Tubi, if you dare.

Broforce (2015):

Broforce is a pixelated run-and-gun that is an homage to American action movies. Each hero or "Bro" has their own weapons and special abilities. For example, Rambro (Rambo) can throw grenades, while Brommando (Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando) fires a rocket launcher with a special attack that fires three missiles. My favorite bro is probably the duo pair known as The Boondock Bros (Boondock Saints), because not only do they both have to be killed for you to lose a life, but their special ability is resurrection. That comes in handy because as you progress the game can get really hard.

You start off just blasting terrorists in the jungle, and rescuing Bros. The bro parody names are funny sometimes, but sometimes they don't even try. Bro Hard should be John BroClane for example. But, others are pretty funny like The Brofessional (The Professional) and Brobrocop (Robocop). Honestly, I just like blowing stuff up sometimes. Your goal is to get to the chopper at the end of each level. Except when you just have to kill a boss. Everything around you blows up or is destroyed when you shoot at it. Even that can be pretty fun.

The fun and humor of the game count for a lot. I never did get much farther than the later buzzsaw trap levels. But, the fast pace and ultra-masculine satirical humor of the game is enough to keep me trying. At the end of each level, you have to kill mini-Satan and raise the USA flag for the chopper to come. But, I see that on the last level, Satan turns into his final beast form and throws fireballs that take up the whole screen that you have to run from while shooting at him. Holy cow! Other levels include aliens and underground enemy bases.

You can also design your own levels in the level editor. Mix and match your enemies and power-ups! Create your own obstacles! Screw around and shoot everything. It's a good time.

Ultimately, I think Broforce has enough challenge and fun to make it infinitely replayable. Though some levels are definitely not my favorite, like the Rail Fortress boss. However, once you beat a level, it's always really satisfying to see everything blow up, and hear that victorious heavy metal guitar riff. Try playing Broforce anyway you can. It's a blast whether you're playing solo or with your bros!